Love and dating is just too got damned confusing these days. I’m having difficulty adjusting to the nuances in the roles, expectations, and duties of the modern relationship.
One one hand, it seems that a lot people want traditionalism. In this, the gender roles are clearly defined as men being the primary earner/breadwinner and the woman pretty much stays at home and does the housework and raise the kids. In this paradigm, the man is the head of the house. He provides the house and the woman is responsible for making it a home. Domestic duties are all done by the woman. The man is the work horse and also responsible for taking care of the ‘manly’ jobs such as landscaping, car maintenance, fixing stuff around the house. He is also responsible for the budgeting and finances. The buck stops at him and no major decisions can be made without his approval. The woman’s role is to set the tone and mood for the house. Again, she basically raises the kids, cooks, cleans. This is basically traditionalism. Men are men and women are women. Men aren’t emotional, but stoic…..Women are emotional and can’t make good decisions unless she is stable and under a controlled environment. This was birthed out of our classic patriarchal system. It has been heavily influenced by judeo christian values. I don’t know if this was out of necessity due to women not having as many rights….or if this is just the way nature intended it…..it’s sort of a chicken egg scenario…..it seems to have worked for hundreds if not thousands of years.
Recently though, women have been given unprescedented rights it seems. They seem to be (as far as competency goes) just as capable of men insofar as non physical work. Times aren’t as hard.
In a sense, men actually built the world (as far as laying down the physical infrastucture and relatively stable institutions) and now women can live without the stresses of having to “go out and build it.” In other words, men provided the house and now women are building the home. Today women are really stepping it up insofar as getting educated, becoming doctors, lawyers, elected officials and so forth. In fact, especially in Atlanta, women really seem to be outpacing the men by leaps and bounds. They really seem focused and are acheiving some pretty amazing things. Meanwhile, it does seem like men are getting left behind. We still lead in areas of providing physical labor and security….i.e. construction work, military, policing and so forth. But now it’s more like support roles in maintaining the infrastructure that we built.
Now that women have the ability to step up their game on an individual level…..the question is what do we do with the traditional gender roles. In truth, women don’t need men per say. But neither do men need women…..outside child birthing and rearing. We both can earn a living, do domestic work, and support ourselves as individuals. Men still want things to be traditional where we are the head of the house….yet many women seem to be conflicted on this.
For example, I’ve heard many women say that if men aren’t the primary breadwinners of the house, then she has a hard time respecting him as the head of the house. This lack of respect ultimately leads to lack of attraction…..and this is why i personally think that men who aren’t the financial leaders of the home stand a great chance of losing their home and family unit over time. These women, especially if the income gap is significant, tend to emasculate their men….and many times think that the grass is greener and that they deserve ‘better.’ This is a helluva catch 22 for women if they can’t help but to lose attraction over time for this fact. They could get married and have a stable home, but who wants to stay in a situation with a person you don’t respect and aren’t attracted to. But is this truly a woman’s nature or is it something that was programmed into them. There is definitely some cognitive dissonance going on here. It’s not helped at all if there are relatively fewer men on her financial level as she climbs the ladder of financial success. Is it possible for her to overcome the notion that she isn’t ‘settling’ for a guy if she makes more money than him. Is it possible for us as men to overcome this ‘insecurity’ by getting with a woman who makes more than us. Again, I wonder if this is due to our programming set by previous cultural expectations of past generations….or is this a natural thing encoded into our dna.
Being raised in a home where my mother always brought in more income than my dad, I lean to thinking that his is programming. I recently found out that my mother seems to be quite rare in terms of her thinking about this. She had no problem with making more money, yet allowing my father to lead. In her mind, she was contributing to the HOUSEHOLD. My father worked more manual labor jobs type of jobs and simply made less than her. It’s arguable to say who worked harder as she was a school teacher and he had various jobs from landscaping, to being a maintenance man, to being a factory worker, to finally becoming a truancy officer in the school systems. But in our household it wasn’t uncommon to see my dad cooking, cleaning, washing clothes and other domestic duties. The only thing that wasn’t split was that he usually did the landscaping and made sure the cars were maintained.
This generational thing seems to have played out with my siblings. My younger sisters make more money than their men and I made less money than STBXW. All the men in the generation work, share in domestic duties, but the leadership seems a lot more utilitarian…. as in, decisions are usually made based on the practicality of the situation at hand. I don’t know who the ‘buck’ stops at…. but I’m not privy to many of those details. It does get a bit hazy.
The fact that I subscribe to this model is another reason I consider myself more beta than alpha. It seems that the Alpha male lays down the law and says it’s “my way or the highway”. Let the youtubers tell it, Alpha males don’t compromise. They take care of everything financially and in return can and should expect complete submission from their wives. One major difference between me (and my male “in laws”) is that my dad was way more demanding than we are. This did cause a lot of conflict between my parents at times, but i think the conflict would have been there regardless of income given my mother’s temprament. She’s fair and loving, yet firm and will stand up for herself.
I believe in the utilitarian model but I’m not so demanding. Perhaps this was my biggest problem in the downfall of my marriage. I didn’t lead in a way that demonstrated my domination over my STBXW. I held on to my principles and didn’t let her walk all over me…. yet I wasn’t as firm in some of my decisions. I usually sought for some sort of compromise. I didn’t stand on my principles as far as taking the lessons from my mother. STBXW was always a bit sketchy about letting me in on exactly how much money she was bringing in. Her notion was that we split the bills 50/50…..and what remained was her money and what I had left was mine. I let it slide because in a way, i was a bit insecure about the fact that she made more than me. I was a lot more blue pilled and didn’t want to make it a big deal.
I felt that a better model would have been that we split the bills based on our income percentages. In other words if she brought in 70% of the income, then she paid 70% of the bills. Even though this may seem ‘unfair’ to the person making the most income….this is how I would have have done it if I made the most money. Besides, in my mind, all of the money we brought in was OURS anyway, but it would have been distributed more evenly. The way it worked out, she still would have had more money than me at the end of day.
Me not standing on this principle and allow her to ‘lead’ in this made it so that I had less disposable income which led to me not being able to ‘afford’ to pay a larger share in family vacations or being able to buy nicer gifts for her. Because I didn’t spend as much perhaps she didn’t feel the need to use her money to get nicer things for me. The lack of transparency in our incomes also made it more difficult for me to know things like how much house we could actually afford or what kind of cars we should purchase. I thought she was quite selfish when it came to her money….yet i have to take full responsibility in not standing up for what I thought was a better way. In the end, one of her biggest complaints was that we dind’t take enough trips and that she shouldn’t have to foot most of the bill if we did.
This is probably just one example of many. And it does make me wonder if the utilitarian model really can work. Maybe this was an anomaly but her being the financial breadwinner did give her more leverage in making that decision. I still like the utilitarian model. Sometimes I do think that some women are more competent than some men in some arenas. Maybe I fucked up with that particular decision, but if I ever do decide to get married again….i’ll definitely have to do better in taking more responsibilty/ having the harder conversations, going into potential conflicts, and standing up for what I believe in. With that though, it’s going to take a woman who really can actually consider, respect, and trust me even if I do make less money than her. And the lesson here is that it is on me to demand that respect.
Maybe the truth of the matter is, despite women claiming they want utilitarian type relationships, they want to be dominated by their men. They are actually attracted on a primal level though cerebrally, they don’t like it. This is why they cheat on/leave nice guys, but stay with the alpha chad/tyrone types. Despite complaining about them.
A certain level of selfishness is required for this. Nice guys care too much, and while on paper, women like the idea…..something within them can’t help but be attracted to men who seek to dominate over them. Maybe this is why they end up (often times) brutally leaving their ‘nice guy’ husbands for men who are more demanding and less agreeable towards them. Ironically the vast majority of women reading this would probably disagree with that.
Their lack of self reflection in this area is the real reason why men should not take advice from women when it comes to dating. If what women said they wanted were actually what they wanted, then we’d have a lot more intact relationships out here.
But yet most of them have found themselves in situations with men they describe as assholes. And leaving the nice guys for some lame reason.
Alphas get left because they have to leave, but not necessarily because they wanted to. It’s like quitting drugs. One part of them really wants to stay. However in the case of the ‘nice’ guy, they leave because they are no longer attracted to him….. And many have no problem with tossing his feelings into the trash in the process.
Both alphas and betas have problems with keeping women, but for different reasons. The alpha’s woman leaves because she cannot deal with his demands and selfishness. She has to stay away from him or otherwise fall into the trap of her own attraction. However, She leaves the beta because she loses attraction for him. The alpha due to his personal affinity for cheating, lying, scheming or whatever has no problems with replacing her….. The beta generally truly loves her for her.
It’s a helluva conundrum. Either get with the good guy who treats her well but she isn’t as attracted to …. Or be with the guy she’s attracted to, but get hurt because of his insensitivity to her. Most choose both. As the saying goes, alphas fuck and betas buck. The betas end up paying(bucks) and doing everything for her while she sneaks off with the alphas (to fuck).
For me, unless I can ‘alpha up’, my best strategy is to realize that my time with her is going to be limited. I see it as that I only have a certain amount of time before she loses attraction, so I have fight the urge to get too attached. Always having one foot out of the door and seriously be ready to walk once I start seeing the writing on the wall. There is no point in trying to fix it once attraction is gone. Been there done that and it’s fruitless endeavor.
So during the honeymoon/infatuation phase, get all i can out of her as this is the time where they’ll generally be faithful. But again, never put my heart into it as sooner or later she’s going to get ‘bored’ aka lose attraction. This is why I tell women who tell me that I’d be a good catch that I’m not. They don’t understand it. I’ve given up trying to explain this to them because they never agree nor even consider what I’m saying despite the mountain of evidence out there or from a bit of self reflection.
Fortunately for me, despite being pretty average across the board, I look good enough on ‘paper’ and I have decent conversation skills. I don’t have any major deficiencies. I’m good enough superficially. I know what to say. I know enough not to oversimp for her and enough ‘aloofness’ mixed with self awareness in order to gauge how much to give and take. I’m not too nice, but not too much of an asshole. I feel that I don’t have to an incel. But I can only hide by beta tendencies for so long before I start liking her too much. For guys like me, the longer I’m with a woman who likes me, the more beautiful she becomes to me. However I’ve heard many self described ‘alphas’ say the opposite.
I don’t have the luxury of falling in love with a woman unless I want my heart crushed due to this underlying deficiency within myself.