I keep listening to stories about infidelity on youtube/reddit posts. I know it seems unhealthy, but listening to so many stories really help me to understand the nature of these types of situations. I don’t know if it’s because the algorithm keeps feeding stories about husbands getting cheating on or if that is the majority of what’s happening, but it’s like I am seeing a very familiar pattern. They are quite similar to my story.
Usually, the husband is blindsided. He thinks that the marriage is fine. He usually says that he didn’t see any major issues. He usually loves her and is dedicated to the family. It seems that he knows the marriage isn’t perfect, but doesn’t think that his wife would cheat on him nor things are that bad. He thinks that his wife is his best friend. He is a dedicated family guy….many times working and helping around the house. These guys seem kind, considerate, loving, and providers.
From their accounts, their wives end up either getting a new job, reconnects with an old friend on social media, or hooks up with a person at their current job. The men that connect with them can be either single or in a marriage. The ‘relationship’ starts off emotional at first, then gradually become more and more intimate. Once consumation has begun, the wife begins a downward spiral of lies, deceit, and betrayal. They lie, gaslight, and blame their husbands for their unhappiness, as if to try and justify their behavior. The more the do it, the more unapologetic and unrepentant they become. The new guy becomes the center of their world. Family, morals, and values all go out of the window. Many times, she’ll even put the children on the back burner. It’s as if she either doesn’t care anymore or doesn’t realize the how morally wrong her actions are. She becomes like a new person. She then further blames the husband and completely and utterly disregards the wrong she’s doing….as if she truly believes that she’s doing nothing wrong.
Once the affair is discovered, she is upset that he husband calls her out. She becomes more defiant, more sneaky…..sometimes even pretending to end the affiar, only to take it further underground. Most of the time they are unrepentant over the pain they caused their husbands. Most aren’t upset that they destroyed the trust, family, or friendship….but are upset that either the affair partner lied about how he really felt, wouldn’t leave his family, or simply broke it off once it got discovered.
The last part is the kick in the teeth for me. It seems to me that many husbands are waiting for their wives to be repentant over what they did. Unfortunately for them, the vast majority aren’t. Even if the husband tries to stick around, it seems that she won’t take accountability for what she did. It’s like she doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation. Without repentance, there can be no forgiveness. But these women seem to still be ‘stuck on the fence’ in many cases. In my opinion, and based on these stories, she most likely will cheat again. It’s best to let it go. These women have no qualms with lying to counselors, family members, her husband again or whomever in order to preserve / maintain their affairs. It’s truly a lost cause 90+% of the time. The scariest part in all of this is that they now see the husband as the enemy. Of course he’s going to feel a certain way about her cheating….however in her mind, (in order to justify their behavior), he becomes the villain. He is obstacle between her and the happiness they feel they deserve. Any imperfections the husband has become greatly magnified. As the bible says….”love covers a multitude of sins.”…..yet these sins become blasphemous once the love is gone. The husband putting his foot down and not standing for the disrespect or in many cases, him snooping based on her suspicious behavior becomes offensive and further pushes how disrespectful she becomes. They double down on their ‘justification’. Now he’s too controlling. It’s as if her being caught in a lie is worse than her actually lying. Many refer to this destructive cycle as the ‘affair fog.’
Many seem to fail to see that starting a ‘new’ intimate relationship, while denying their husbands closeness and intimacy, is rapidly causing her to lose interest in fixing their marriages. It’s like they fail to see that the discord and confusion that they are causing with their actions makes interactions with their husbands worse. And by comparison, the freedom and ease they feel with their affair partners is due to the fact that they aren’t hiding things from them and that they are actually more open and friendly towards them. It’s like they really don’t understand that the husband’s bad mood is because she was caught in a lie or was acting suspicious. They take no accountability as to how their hurtful and disrespectful behavior is negatively affecting their home life. This failure to acknowledge their wrong behavior further reinforces their waywardness. They’ll use excuses and say that they were ‘unhappy’ or they ‘grew apart’. It’s pathetic and disgusting.
I really sympathize for these men. It’s really sad. These women don’t deserve these guys. They don’t deserve the love and dedication that these guys give them. Many times, these guys didn’t deserve this. They lose their homes and families due to no fault of their own. The kids don’t deserve to lose their families over some wayward loser of a wife and some immoral douchebag who could give a fuck about the well being of the children in the relationship.
Unfortunately, many men (just like me), were raised to give his wife this level of love, compassion, and forgiveness. Often times it’s for the family, but it’s also a testament to how deeply they loved these women.
My experience and these stories have taught me that no matter how much you love such a person…no matter how much you do /did for them….no matter how sweet you think your life situation is, there is no loyalty with them. Attraction is king (not just physical) and they are willing to throw it ALL away because a guy makes them feel a certain way. Adding insult to injury, they are willing to betray, backstab, lie, and destroy you (even if you’ve done nothing wrong) in order to get their new object of affection. They will say and do anything, including lie to and destroy their own children’s homes for their own sake. They will lie and convince themselves that they are unhappy in order to justify their actions. Logic and reasoning goes completely out of the window. Morals and principles are tossed to the side. And they will never take accountability for their actions. They will either justify or deny their atrocious behavior. Despite doing all the things they know they are wrong, the cognitive dissonance they experience is quite amazing. They still think that they are good people and are deserving of some happily ever after….in spite of walking all over / destroying/ lying/ humiliating/bullying/ and hurting those who depend on them the most.
Even though karma may or may not be real, we have been conditioned by this society from kids to believe that bad people don’t deserve good things. Yet somehow, in their delusional state of mind, they feel that their actions aren’t THAT bad. It’s really scary to know that people can really change like this no matter how long you’ve known them. That family isn’t enough. That being a decent person isn’t enough. That being a good husband just isn’t enough.
Mainstream society really needs to wake up and expose these types of women. It’s a growing epidemic and maybe movies, shows, and public testimonies about these types of women can grant the public awareness to see that it’s not always the men’s faults. Maybe these women would be able to see the damage and havoc they cause if they choose this path if this was something talked about more.
Despite all of the women complaining about how hard it is to find a good man…..or how men destroy/abandon their families. Despite them growing up watching the lifetime and tyler perry movies about an unscupulous cheater who lies and mentally abuses their spouses…..and hating the villain in those movies…..they become those villains in their own life stories and somehow fail to recognize it….or either stop caring that they are.
One difference in my opinion between men and women is that Women seem to simply have poor choices in men from the jump. They might know that the guy has a reputation, many kids, many baby mothers, be in the streets, or have position where he is constantly bombarded with women. They may know that he’s a ladies man and has a history of being unfaithful. Yet they go in, thinking that they aren’t affected by his charm, while not understanding that part of the charm is getting women to fall in love. They fall in love and then act surprised when he treats her just like the other women despite her giving him her best. I don’t know, but it just seems really really stupid to me. I can see having fun with a person if you’re attracted to them, but trusting with your entire mind heart and soul is a whole different thing. Yet they do it…. as if they have no clue that was about to also happen to them. Are they really this stupid and arrogant to think that they have the secret ‘sauce’ to change this guy?
It’s the male equivalent of falling in love with a stripper or prostitute. Like dude, yeah, she’s fun, she can have decent personality….but do you really think that she’s going to be faithful to you in the long run. Do you really think you can wife her and that this is going to turn out ok for you. Are you really falling in love with a ho? I don’t know, some dudes might do this, but I personally have 0 sympathy if they do and get caught up. Like it’s common fucking sense.
On the other hand though, many of these wives start off as ‘good’ girls. There usually aren’t like blatant red flags out there. They seem sweet innocent and loyal. They say and do all the right things. They have the conversations. They seem like good wife material. But it’s like something happens in a marriage where a flip switches and they change up on you. In this case, it’s easy to be fooled since part of a relationship is trusting a person. But before you give that level of trust, you want to know their history….as it’s a pretty good predictor of what’s to come. If she was a hoe or prostitute, you already know that there are certain boundaries she’s willing to cross.
You’d think that women would think the same way when they meet a guy who has a ton of kids and women and have a reputation for cheating. Shouldn’t the unusual ‘charm’ be a clue. I mean I’m always pretty cautious around charismatic / funny people. I may give them a chance, but I always keep my eyes open because I know they are good at influencing people.
Either way, this is why I think that you can’t fall in love with most women out here….even if they come across as ‘nice/good’ girls. They seem to lack the ability to understand what ‘loyalty’ and ‘family’ is all about. For most of them it really is about the feel goods. I think that you have to always have to have the ability to walk away from any situation….even if she is talking a good game. She might actually mean what she says in the moment (you can never really know), but even if she does, there seems to be a switch that she can turn into a unempathetic, ungrateful, unrepentant, selfish person. You may not have anything to do with it. They truly transform into an entirely different person. I don’t know how many guys I’ve heard say “this isn’t the woman I married.”
God forbid you actually fell in love with her and created a family with her and that flip switches. The thing is, that you can never know….because from the stories I’ve heard, these women come from all walks of life. They/ nor sociiety in genral will hold them accountable for this insatiable/self destructive/ family splitting behavior. Society tells them that ‘happiness’ should always be their first priority.