Strength

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

-Prayer of Serenity

Even though I’ve pretty much determined that STBXW is a lost cause, the fact that she’s out here cheating vexes my spirit for some reason. She’s practically begging the new supply to leave his girl to get with her. Yeah, i snooped through her phone, sue me. She even went so far as to ask one of the other guys she flirts with if his girl (she sent a picture of her) was attractive. On a side note, the guy asked who the girl was and she said it was a random girl on the internet. The fact that she sent two pictures of the girl should have tipped off that this was personal, but who knows. The guy pretty much said that the girl was ok looking, not his type, but when it comes to choosing a girl, looks aren’t as important as some women think they are. I wholeheartedly agree with that. STBXW may be a little better looking physically, her character is ugly. Can she not see this in herself? Then again, how can people who lack self reflection ever truly know what they look like on the inside.

This is pretty pathetic imo. First of all, her new supply isn’t much of a looker himself, unless he’s just not all that photogenic. Looks are subjective though, so I can’t say much on that front. Secondly, the guy and the girl has a kid together and have been “together” for a while. Why is she even entertaining the idea of trying to steal him. Third, this isn’t the first time she did this as her first affair partner was living with one of his children’s mothers and she had no problems sneaking about with him….even picking him up and dropping him off from their shared home. 4th, why in the hell isn’t she divorcing me. I’ve been active in trying to get a noncontested divorce….going so far as printing out the paperwork and sitting down with her to go over the details. Why is she so noncooperative in assisting me. You’d think she’d be as enthusiastic as I am about it. 5th he told her that he wasn’t interested in a relationship with her. 6th he’s not the only person she’s texting talking about she wants to have sex with them. 7th her texts are usually very explicit where she initiates the sex conversations. 8th why in the hell is she always sending pics of our kid to these dudes. 9th they don’t send pics of their kids to her. 10 they know that she’s still married….. with her aggressiveness towards trying to hook up, then they probably know that she’s not a victim in all of this. Of course they’ll smash if sex is on the table. I think they’re normal guys though and even though they’ll entertain sex, I really can’t see them taking her on seriously as ‘wifey’….but then again, you never know. But knowing what I know about her, I honestly don’t care and sometimes I do wish one would take her on. Maybe then she’d finally be more cooperative insofar as getting this divorce. She’d be their problem.

Yes, I know that snooping into her personal life is probably a bit toxic on my behalf. Perhaps this is a case of what i don’t know won’t hurt me. But she lies so much that I really need to know what’s going on. I do fear that time may cause me to forget her transgressions and even though reconciliation isn’t on the table for now. Her demeanor makes her pretty easy to get along with, so I while I think those guys are wrong for cheating with a married woman, I can understand how they might see her as a decent person. If I ever thought that she had a change of heart (which she sometimes suggests), I’m afraid that I might be tempted to consider it. Doubtful, but still, call it preventative maintenance. In the unlikely event i did consider it, I could easily test her by asking her questions about the truth since I know way more than she thinks that I do. I still test her at times, just to see if she’s lying and if I didn’t know better, I’d think she was telling the truth. So yeah, I know that snooping is wrong, but in this case, i believe it is a necessary evil since she does have me trapped and remains dishonest.

I still don’t know how she could maintain a level of self respect knowing that she’s married and is doing the things that she is doing. These guys aren’t really expressing interest in her like that….based on the texts anyway. What makes matters even worse is that she knows that these men have girlfriends/wives and she has no problems with trying to steal them away.

What in the hell is going on with her mind? Has she no shame or self respect for herself? I guarantee that publicly, if she had a friend who told her about a desperate married chick trying to get her man, she’d condemn her for it. Especially if the main girl was a decent/good girl to him.

While it does bother me to know that she’s out here playing ‘desperate housewife’ as if I’m some abuser…..it makes me think that I am too much of a simp. Perhaps I am too weak. All I do is complain and try to lecture her. Yeah, I’ve done my thing on the side too in response to her treatment of me, but I haven’t left yet. She has me trapped and she knows it. She’s still using kiddo as a human shield so to speak. She knows that if I pull the trigger, he’s standing in the line of fire.

How did I marry such a wretched and immoral woman? She had me fooled for sure. But if any of these guys knwoing that is is married takes her seriously, then he got it coming. At least they had some warning.

I gotta get out of this. I don’t want her back at all knowing this. She is completely and 100% not a woman I would want to deal with. I am ashamed to be associated with her in this capacity. Kiddo was 8 years old when this started. He’ll be 13 this year. 5 years and many men later, I’m still here and that is shameful on my behalf. As much as I am talking shit about her, this shoudn’t have lasted for so long. My only saving grace is that I think that the ages between 4 and 12 are crucial during child’s mental development. I couldn’t blindside him with divorce as he (as did i) think that we had a pretty happy home. He only knew mommy and daddy. He loved/loves both of us….our family. He loved his home as much as I did. I didn’t want him to feel the pain that I felt. I made the decision for both of us to stay and my only regret is the dignity I willfully lost trying to protect him. I am a protector. I’d die for that kid. But as a young man, he has to learn that change is inevitable and sometimes pain comes along with it. He’s always been smart, yet he was protected from “that life.” We had a loving house hold, we didn’t argue much, we did things as a family, we tried to teach him morals and values. He has matured a lot since being that little 8 year old boy.

Though it won’t be easy, I think that he is old enough for it not to affect him psychologically as bad as it once would have when he was younger….even if the truth has to come out. She’s had 5 years to get her shit together. My youngest sibling was still in high school when she started and she graduates college in a few weeks. Enough has been enough. Since she won’t grant me an amicable divorce, I cannot afford a lawyer, I’m going to have to take it into my own hands and hope for the best. Even if I lose custody of kiddo, it will be worth it to gain my freedom and peace back. Should we worst occur and she get full custody, then I’m confident that the lessons I’ve taught him will keep him in line. I’ll always be there for him either way.

Even if she finds “happiness” with someone else. I KNOW her lack of character and integrity. Her lack of empathy. Her desperation. Her lying. Her inability to see how she disrespects herself. She’s going out bad and taking us all out with her. I cannot allow this generational curse to continue and if I truly love kiddo, I must stand up and do something. Even if it does hurt him in the short term. I’ve already hurt him and myself so much by staying. I’m setting the example of rug sweeping by being a damned doormat all in the name of keeping the peace.

I’m not worried about losing a good woman as a good women wouldn’t / couldn’t put herself into these positions. A good woman would have tried to fix her marriage instead of cheat. A decent woman would have at least left or if she did cheat once, she would have stopped or divorced. She would have taken ownership of destroying her home and hurting her husband. And at least understood that the best thing to do would be take responsibility for her decisions. A good/decent woman would/could not be willing to immorally hurt others, break up her own household, and other households for sex and attention. Despite outside appearances, this woman is wicked in the inside. Something is missing in her head and in her heart. She may hide it well to many. But woe be the tithes to any man who gives his heart to her.

She is the unreasonable one in all of this. I am actually following her lead by not standing up for myself. Toxicity has been introduced and either way this is going to end up messy. This is not my fault as I’ve bent over backwards trying to keep things cordial. She’s taken my kindness, love, and patience for weakness for too long. I will no longer stand by and be humiliated by her lack of empathy, self respect, and lack of respect for our family. I have a son who I must lead. This also goes to leading by example. Though I’m not perfect and have handled this badly so far, I have to fight for our honor and dignity. I fought and struggled to detach emotionally a while ago, but now is the time to take action. That battle has been won, but this war is still isn’t done until I can legitimately say that she is my ex wife.

The fight continues!!!

I cannot change her, but I can change our proximity. God grant me the strength to change the things I can change.

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