Deeper Radical Acceptance

I still haven’t confronted STBXW about the contents of her phone. I’m not mad. It’s actually kind of entertaining to ask her questions, spin truths as hypotheticals, and ask her take on possible scenarios. Just to see her lie. I explain how cheaters operate. I explain how they often lie, gaslight, and pretend they are no longer having affairs. I’ve even asked if she did any of those things as people who cheat tend to operate from the same playbook. As usual, there are just more denials and lies.

It’s somewhat scary to see how easily people can just lie and it not bother them. Even with me knowing this, I checked the phone again and it showed just last week where her new AP was like, “why didn’t you delete the texts if you knew he had access to your phone.” In her mind, she thinks I just saw his name on the recents screen. She maintains the lie that she no longer talks to him and says that iphones just do that. To be petty, I was almost tempted to send him screenshots of the texts between the other guys….but tbh, it’s his problem as he knows she’s married…..and since he’s wanting to help keep it a secret, it shows that he isn’t just some sap being lied to at about me.

I’ve come to accept that this is just how the minds of some people work. They’re texts are reminscent of her first AP….where he also was cheating on his girl with her. This new guy is cheating on his girl with her as well. It’s sick and disgusting. It’s not surprising as both of them belong to professions where cheaters are very common. Law enforcement and nursing.

It was her idea to take kiddo to church this weekend for Easter Services. I shouldn’t have gone. On the way in, she tried to hold my arm to escort her into the church which I pulled away. I mean come on dude. Though I am starting to understand that cheaters/narcs are just who the fuck they are….I still don’t get how they can sleep at night.

I gotta endure this until I can get this divorce. I still can’t afford it, i already owe hella student loan money and she’s not being helpful with the noncontested divorce process.

But TBH outside of her infidelity, lying, and gaslighting attempts, she’s ok. She’s not an unsufferable person to deal with. She’s pretty easy going, helps with the bills, seems to care for kiddo, and pays for things. She doesn’t argue much and doesn’t harrass me about what I be doing.

Even though I’m not sure how karma works or even if it’s a real thing, I take come comfort in knowing that she’s not just like that because of me. That any guy who would be foolish enough to trust her would ultimately and most likely get cheated on. She isn’t consciences. She lacks integrity, empathy, and morals regardless of what type of situation she’d be in. If this wasn’t the case, then she would actually feel bad about doing what she does. Any good woman/wife worth marrying would not have operated the way that she did/does. Self respect and empathy would have just come naturally to her. It’s not something you can teach. It’s either in you or not. I don’t think this is a phase, it is who she is and she’s probably always been and unless some come to Jesus moment happens, she’ll always be that way.

That said, she is who she is. And though I judge her based upon my personal set of standards about integrity and truth. It’s only because she’s married to me and it looks like i’m going out bad.

Personally, I cannot let it bother me that a zebra has stripes or a leopard has spots so to speak. It is what it is. I picked bad, and it’s making me look bad, but it’s out of my hands. There is nothing I can do short of leaving. No pick me dances here. No trying to change her. She either cannot change or truly sees nothing wrong with what she’s doing. There is nothing I can do to change that. But it’s assuring to know that I didn’t fuck up in the sense of making her do these things. I didn’t force her hand AT ALL. Her choices and actions were and are entirely up to her to own or not.

The enforcement of personal boundaries is all i can do at this point. I refuse to sleep in the same bed with her. No cuddles though she wanted to last night. I was tempted as she was naked. Shit man, Idk why I am so weak for sex. I’m glad I didn’t because if she rejected me for sex, it would have made me angry based on the principle.

I asked her how would it make me look cuddling next to her, doing all of this stuff I do for her, laying next to her… only to have her leave and give sex and oral to a guy who isn’t doing any of that. She may not respect me, I got way more self respect than that. = Of course she lied and denied very convincingly saying that she doesn’t deal with him anymore…..but I got evidence. I wasn’t even mad, I just responded with “yah ok”. and proceeded to sleep on the couch. I know who she is now. I don’t think she even thinks about those things the way I do, but that goes back to her lack of empathy and awareness.

If I’m honest, I do want to fuck her (no love making)…but really it’s just to get back at him. Ideally she’d give me oral and go back and kiss him in the mouth. I’m not putting my lips anywhere near hers. Sleeping with her could prove detrimental to my healing….so IDK if it’s a great idea. Plus, she doesn’t strike me as the type who would use protection. So possibly detrimental to my health. Given all the dudes she’s having sex with/ potentially having sex with. Based on their dispositions it seems that they are bottom scrapers who will sleep with anyone and not worry about protection either.

None of that sharing drinks, staws, utensils, dipping sauce or anything. I’m careful to make sure kiddo doesn’t share anything with her either.

If she was only a baby mama, I’d be much better mentally. Divorcing her probably would ironically make me seem like a threat to them as they might worry if she was sleeping with me. It seems more believable that she isn’t sleeping with her husband when she visits, but it seems less believable if I was just her cool “baby daddy.”

My story is showing how marrying the wrong person can fuck you up in so many ways. Be careful out there.

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