Overcoming the bitterness

Was hanging out with stbxw this weekend on some last minute, “I’m coming for my birthday this weekend.”

Some people feel like I shouldn’t hang out with her. I understand where they are coming from. They are afraid that she might ‘decide’ to reel me back in. And/Or perhaps I might somehow still want to be with her. But either way, both boil down to the fact that they think I could be vulnerable.

TBH, there is more temptation than I suspected….at least for sex. I mean I flirt with the idea. Fortunately for me, she doesn’t initiate…but it also lets me know that she isn’t really feeling me like that.

I mean, for her forego sex or at LEAST at not attempt it…..means that she just ain’t feeling me like that. I know what it feels like to be ‘wanted’ sexually. But it also shows me that maybe, we’re sexually incompatible….at least as far as how much we want sex. After the honeymoon phase was over, I wanted it more often than she did. Our first major blow up was over that.

By that time though, she already had a fling or two with a so called ‘riend’ and was at least ‘talking’ to her affair partner. Idk, but maybe the decline in sex indicated the loss of her sexual attraction to me. Plus someone else was able to seduce her. 2x even.

Morals aside….I could see how losing attraction for your spouse could possibly happen.

I never tried to intentionally ‘win’ her tho. I thought we just connected. I didn’t know that I needed to ‘be a certain way’…. I figured we ‘connected’ and in that process grew to ‘LOVE’ one another like for real. Especially after a family, kids, ups, downs, and I felt that I really TRIED to treat her well. My intentions and ACTIONS were on point as far as treating her “right”.

I never cheated, always worked and contributed money into the household. Most/If not all FR of my check. I helped with the household work….MORE OFTEN than she did even….I was involved with raising our kid. I asked her if she was ok. I was a true friend to her. A listening ear. I forgave things without keeping score of my disappointments. I wan’t exactly a doormat about it, but I didn’t ‘hate’ her or anything. Even miscommunications didn’t BLOW up like that.

I Truly LOVED HER. So perhaps I couldn’t even SEE her. “Love covers a multitude of sins” as in says in the scriptures. Perhaps it’s more literal than we think.

I accepted how she didn’t really seem to “think deeply” about issues. We never had any philosphical disuccsions. My sex drive was higher than hers after a while. She didn’t seem as ‘invested’ as far as being cooperative. She seemed to be more concerned with the surface level “stuff” more than the substance of it. As a metaphor….prefering a “house” over a “home”.

She bought into the GLAM behind BUZZ words like “black excellence” ,”power couple”,”generational wealth” and so forth….but seemed not as focused on the reality of what it takes to get there. Like work and quite a bit of luck. She is misaligned and seems to have bought in with the thinking of the “masses”…..

As of now, she seems to lack the concept of ‘family’, ‘loyalty’, and ‘honor’. Like ‘respect’ seems t\o come from a place of fear rather than love, duty, or obligation. She isn’t a TEAM player, but it’s all about “HER” and “Her happiness.”…. no matter what it takes to get it….and her lack of ‘intelligence’ is whatmakes Me think is the root of all of this.

and it comes back her her ‘attraction’….maybe with her love is based on attraction … thus attraction comes first….then the love later. But with me it’s the opposite….the more I love you, the more I am attacted to you. At least as far as ‘wifey’ goes. Her love is based on lust.

I dig loyalty, understanding, support, honesty, reciprocity. The rest is superficial.

I accepted the bullshit from her even though I felt she didn’t provide those things. I did it because….Love covers a multitude of sins….

That said, while I do still love her. Any attempt at reconciliation would be superficial at best. I really can’t trust her and she’s shown me no sort of real repentance. It’s like she knows she fucked up in how she handled everything….but it’s like she doesn’t UNDERSTAND WHY.

She doesn’t ‘feel’ it. And maybe it’s just not ‘in her’ like that to feel the ‘WHY’…. i think she’s a covert narc tbh….but she literally cannot see it.

I mean I love her, but she just isn’t the right woman as ‘wifey’ for me. I didn’t see it because I did love her, but she never really was right for me. Narcs to tend to ‘lovebomb’ you as she once did to me. I didn’t even know what that was at the time.

I fell in love and gave my power away. And though she knows what it is….she was made that way…..staying angry is like BEING angry with a pet tiger for almost killing you some random day though u thought you were ‘friends’.

She just like it literraly did what they are programmed to do. Just like I did, in a way. I love for real. She’s a narc like for real.

I just don’t know if ALL WOMEN are like that. Redpill makes me think that perhaps they are. But tbh, I didn’t VET her like I do other women. I never wanted to be marrid until I met her. But she was first one that I got that I …REALLY… wanted….and she happened to look just like one of the ones I really WANTED but got away.

It should have been a RED FLAG that our conversations weren’t nearly as deep. I just let her in without realizing she didn’t belong there. Out of lust or perhaps desire for the Original. So now I suffer.

Women don’t seem to understand that I can love you….but I can’t wife you unless ‘it’ is there. It’s nothing personal….I don’t even expect to find ‘it’….but a man does get lonely…and I’m not waiting around for ‘it’ and NOT have sex.

‘IT’ has nothing to do with her as a ‘person’. Yet, I’d like to hope that my morals would overrule ‘IT’…. so i can’t get married or be in a relationship.

I’m not her “IT”….and tbh, my “IT” would rcciprocate willingly and automatically. She’d have to be as I did … push me to make her cheat… cheat on me to try to get over me…. cheat bcuzve made it clear that I don’t respect her… cheat bcuz I really don’t want her like that.

MY STBXW.

She wants out…She really couldn’t love me like that….AND perhaps she’s the type of woman who can’t. It automatically makes her not wifey material. Even though I respect the maritial bond…..she felt a certain way enough to BREAK it….without trying to fix it first.

AND THAT IS JUST WHO SHE IS….

S

l

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