Golden Handcuffs and Jaded Prisms

Lately, I’ve been having these fleeting thoughts about what if I caught covid and didn’t make it. I know the world wouldn’t change much overall. My biggest fear is leaving kiddo behind even though I know my mom and siblings would also miss me. In a way, it’s like I’m living for them. Things just seem so hopeless sometimes. Like not worth living for. I am afraid of self erasing, so I won’t do it myself.

I have no purpose. I’m barely making any money. I owe hella money in student loans and I have no idea how to pay it off. It feels like a damned weight on my neck. It seems that i always have just enough to pay the bills. No plans, not because I think they are unimportant, but I just have no Idea what I want out of life. I don’t know what I want so how am I supposed to pursue it. My personality is blah. I really can’t blame STBXW for wanting to leave. I still think it’s fucked up and hurtful that she cheated, but I don’t blame her for wanting to leave me.

Life just feels like a treadmill of running in the same place and getting nowhere fast. It’s like I don’t have anything to look forward to. I’m just here.

While I am grateful in many many ways……I recognize that I live better than 98% of the population in history before me. I live better than kings and queens did before the 20th century. I live in middle class US in 2021….. clean running water, a soft bed, hot showers, 24 hour access to almost any food that I can imagine, a car to take me long distances, 24/7 internet connectivity, no wars or constant threats of violence, overt racism seems to be a thing of the past, I can afford a night or two on the town on occasion, a decent paying job, a gig job on the side where I can get paid immediately if necessary, access to healthcare and medicine, access to 10000’s of movies and more video games than i could ever play, access to damn near any book I’d want to read or have read to me in my bluetooth headphones. I can be warm in winter and cool in the summer with the press of a button. I have my health and am in the best shape of my life. My son lives with me under the same roof. Everyone that I really love has pretty good health right now. How can I really complain about anything? Relatively speaking, it seems that I am living a pretty good life.

But despite all of this, I feel like a fucking loser at times.

I do lack ambition, but again, I don’t know what I want. Nothing seems important. I’m tired of looking at redpill content because a woman is the last thing that i need to worry about. I can’t afford one even if I did trust one anyway. And what’s the point anyway, even if my fortune was to change, I’d know she was only with me for the money. And they all seem to be harping on …. find your purpose, get rich, and then you can fuck all the women you want. They try to make it seem like women aren’t important, but the purpose of finding a purpose is so you can make money, not worry about women, so that you can attract women….

I just recently learned that a woman’s love is conditional….so there is that…making it about as useful as a spoon for a pizza slice. Ironically, even less reason to give a fuck about financial ‘success’ in order to get/keep her.

Then i look at how all these other people seem to be making all this money….they own multiple investment properties, nice houses, luxury cars, can afford nice trips and international vacations, have purpose drive and ambition. Everyone seems so superficial, but it seems that this materialism and superficiality is what drives the notion of ‘black excellence’. It’s like if you aren’t trying be a boss and make boss moves, you’re useless. If you aren’t striving for MORE and ok with mediocrity, then you’re a loser. (i will say that the outcome of today’s mediocrity is definetely better than yesterday’s excellence)…. still though, I understand that I lack in this area.

Then it also seems that a lot of people happen to stumble into ‘greatness’. I don’t think that I’m any less capable nor intelligent many people who do ‘big’ things. For some reason, it seems like they were just destined to do what they were doing. They happened to be in the right place at the right time to learn that particular skill or make that investment, or take that job which required they learn this skill that helped them move up the ladder. I know people who make way more money than me that don’t appear to be any harder working or smarter than me. I also know people who make less money than me who appear to be brighter and more capable. Some people were strategic about it, but many weren’t. It really seems like a crapshoot at times.

While I don’t frown upon the success of those that I deem as ‘less capable/intelligent/hard working’ for their success. It does irk me how so many tend to look down on people who make less money. It makes people who dick ride them because of their financial success seem superficial and stupid to me. In our community, we have this notion that people with a lot money, no matter how they got it, are somehow superior in every way. Beyond reproof even. And it’s easy to fall for this delusion.

Is this what they call self loathing? Perhaps I am tempting death by imagining me not being here anymore. But I think I’m ready to go.

Being barely over broke and having a ‘less than stellar’ personality and having no purpose is not a good way to live. I’ve hit the 40 mark and still there is no good. I feel useless. Too jaded to believe in love. Too much responsibility to run away and start over. I can’t stop. It really feels like I’m running full speed on a treadmill that won’t stop. The only way off is to fall and bust my ass.

I say that one of the fastest routes to hell is to start comparing yourself to others. Perhaps I need to start taking my own advice.

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