I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably not worthy of anyone’s love. I mean I’m not entitled to it. It’s theirs to give and take as they please. It’s a bit of a grave realization. But an aha moment. Romantic relationships are all just superficial at best.

I believe that you’re entitled to what you earn financially, but you can’t really earn love. It has to be freely given. And just because you give it, a person isn’t required to give it back to you. But even in the case of entitlement, life is sometimes unfair and history has shown that people aren’t always recompensated for what they are owed.

I think that our modern society does a pretty decent job a compensating people for what they are entitled to financially if they put the work in. It’s not a perfect system, but in general, the courts can and usually will enforce contractual financial obligations.

There are no real checks and balances when it comes to matters of the heart though. Unfortunately, if you don’t realize this, you’re in deep ish when you start going out here expecting that people will ‘act right’ in accordance to some noble ideas of justice when it comes to love. Who is going to reinforce it? karma? God? It all seems pie in the sky as quite often, well intentioned people get the shit end of the stick with no payback for those who exploit their weakness.

It seems to me that lust and attraction are the only leverage you have in this game. If you can get people to fall in love, that’s power. But falling in love is foolish and dangerous. Even if you manage to find a situation where “in love” is reciprocated, there are no guarantees. Lust and emotions are fleeting and there is no justice out here.

I fear falling so bad. Yet, it seems that I may be prone to it for some reason. Perhaps i’m a co-dependent. Maybe low self esteem. Possibly fear of being alone. Yet it feels so good to think that I have someone in love with me. Dangerous because should they take it away, it feels that a part of me goes missing. I really have no business in relationships. I love too much….but it isn’t love. It’s a chemical dependency on a person’s admiration and desire to want me. I must be damaged. But am I realistic or toxic for not wanting a person to have THAT kind of power over me. People these days are all about self, just saying.

There seems to be much selfishness in love. At least in a conventional sense. I become possessive out of fear of them leaving. Yet i want to give them a choice. What the fuck is the matter with me?

Why am I craving something that I know will most likely end up destroying me. Why does my version of self love depend on if someone else loves me or not? Yeah. I am toxic.

It seems that I only deserve those who I can attract for that moment. Why then worry about things that I don’t have much control over.

This is why I have to put myself out there so to speak. In this game, I guess it’s ok to lie, cheat, and say whatever it takes. It goes against everything I stand for as far as standing on truth. Yet it seems to be a dog eat dog world. Perhaps narc’s have it right. Maybe my dad and STBXW are right. Love don’t love nobody. It ain’t about love, it’s about who you can attract and attach to you.

This is quite a disturbing thought and it vexes my spirit. Is this just bitterness? Is it growth?