Almost there

I called a divorce attorney and got the paper work for the non contested divorce. I then called STBX and informed her that I’d be emailing her a copy to look over and we can talk about custody. She seemed a bit sad, but at the same time, didn’t resist. She pretty much said that she was so indicisve about it all. It almost pissed me off, but I quickly regained my composure. I wanted to say that she already decided this by her actions…..but no need to say anything. At this point, I know who I’m dealing with.

I thought about spending a weekend together and seeing if there is any way we could work on things. That’s a terrible idea though because I know that I could never trust her, even if we managed to have a good weekend together. The truth is, she just isn’t what I need as wife. I don’t think she can change as she sees nothing wrong with what she did/ is doing. It doesn’t feel right to lecture a grown woman about boundaries, respect, and morals. Besides, all she’d do is listen and later do whatever the hell it is she wants to do. Been there done that.

I also found out the main guy she’s currently seeing is in a relationship and it appears that they have kids. Her first affair partner was also in a relationship living with one of his childrens’ mothers. I’m noticing that she has no problems with dealing with attached men and possibly breaking up homes. More respect lost. It would seem that she doesn’t respect herself and has no regard for the potential fallout that could occur. Moreover, It seems that the notion of “If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.” doesn’t exist in her world.

I’m thinking that she has some real mental issues going on. Her lack of empathy and integrity is just … WOW. I know that people like that exist in the world, but I never would have thought in a million years that she’d end up being one of them. It’s kind of pathetic when I think about it. It is somewhat comforting to know that it’s really mostly on her. I know that I’m not perfect and I wasn’t looking for perfection either. But without trust and honest communication, it just can’t work and I’d continue to run the risk of her cheating.

It’s actually a bit of a blessing that we don’t click. It would be even worse to have a woman like this who I could just get along with in an easy effortless way. While it’s not my problem anymore and I don’t plan on putting an more thought into it, I am curious as to why she comes across as so desperate…. especially looking at the guys she’s “choosing up” on. I haven’t met them personally, but based on pictures, I look way better than them. And the text communications between them doesn’t indicate that they have more ‘game’ than me. They certainly don’t seem any smarter than me. As far as money goes, they don’t seem much better off financially than me, minusthem having more kids to feed. I’ve had way better texting with women i’ve dealt with…. but that’s neither here nor there.

I used to think that perhaps she deserved better than me. Now that I’m waking up, I am starting actually feel that I may have been too good for her. Sure, she makes more money, but that’s about it. Maybe I was a blue pilled simp for most of our marriage, but I still held it down as a husband.

I never wanted to be a part of the divorced dad club, but I’m pretty sure that this outcome has more to do with her and her mental issues than me with mine. I have learned that I need to be a better leader as far as leading our family. I have to be more serious and let go of my serendiptious attitude towards securing a house and finances. That is, regardless of whether or not I want to go that route again.

I’m pretty sure that my lover likes having fun with me. Even though she wants to get married, I don’t think that she sees me as marriage material. It’s cool though, I’m not even close to mentally nor financially to be thinking of that.

I do think that I COULD possibly get married again someday. But as of now, I can’t see myself honoring and cherishing it in the way that I once did. It just seems like a pointless endeavor because cheating is a deal breaker for me. I just don’t trust women not to cheat sooner or later. I couldn’t just give my heart over and be “in love” like that anymore. Without that, I see no other point in it unless I could benefit financially. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to marry someone for their money or status.

I can’t think of what characteristics a woman could have that would make me want to marry her. Even if she checked ALL of the boxes, I can’t take a chance and give my heart over to her. People are people and the way I imagine my TYPE, she’d be so rare that I”m sure that many, many, men would be in her dm’s trying to get her/ get her back. And to have her head over heels would be impossible. I’m pretty sure that cupid played a trick on us where we can’t have who we want the most, but we can have those who want us more. If it comes down to it, the latter would be a better choice. I could deal with that as long as she met my minimal level of attactiveness.

If soul mates exist, I would be hard pressed to find her. My guard is way up. Even if we had initial chemistry and attraction, I’d feel that she might be a Narc in a similar fashion to STBXW. She appears sweet and delicate, love bombing and idealization further drops your guard…..then boom, all of the things she said in the beginning was just an act. Her dating strategy. She’s a spider, slowly entagling you into her web and by the time you realize what she really is…. you’re stuck in her web as she slowly devours you alive. Her venom eating you from the inside out.

No sir, I can’t do heart break again. It almost killed me the first time. I was lucky to escape. A bit battered and bruised, but I’m healing. The pain and anxiety attacks are coming much less frequently….and though still mad about it sometimes. I am however finally accepting her for who she is. I realize that I can’t take it personally anymore. I am a work in progress so as I heal, I’m sure things may pop up here and there. But I do feel miles better overall.

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