How do I let the anger go

I get so freaking angry with stbxw that I can’t to even talk to her. I know I have to let it go since we have to co parent. Still though. I really really hate how she shit all over me. Just saying, did she have to salt the earth b4 scorching it too.

I just feel this feeling of extreme anger whenever I think about her. Like how do people get over this. I know for sure that I’d never take her back.

You’d think that alone would be enough to say fuck it….just deal with it….cooperate and move on. I know that she simply doesn’t love me, but still, did she have to do me like that?

This anger and hurt is just so intense. Way beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I just want to get Me back. I’ve tried surrendering and just accepting it…

But sometimes it just gets too intense. Right when I think its gone, it comes back to the surface and I’m here…..ruminating and replaying all of the reasons I can’t stand her.

What am I doing wrong?

God please take this pain away!!!

Divorce Decree

The stbxw and I aren’t on speaking terms and yet it seems that she’s clueless as to why I’m so mad. Like, I’m just supposed to be cool with her cheating on me mulitple times, lying, betraying, and so forth. I don’t get how these people operate man. If I had intentionally and willingly betrayed someone, I would pretty much expect that they’d hate my guts. I wouldn’t try to be ‘friends’ with them, though I might test the temperature with them from time to time. I’d like to think that I’d apologize and show some real remorse, but if I didn’t, I would accept the fact that I burned that bridge down and it is what it is.

This is why I can only tolerate if we talk business or about kiddo, but not much else. We are not friends, so I don’t want to engage in small talk or chit chat with her. We’re doing pretty good with the no contact thing. I don’t have much to say to her these days anyway.

Being so secretive about her life anyway, I really don’t know much about her. I have discovered so many things about her through playing detective over the years that made me realize that I really don’t know her. Because she never tells me much, and I have to find it, I can conclude that she is great at lying (by omission), denying the facts, gaslighting, and hiding the truth. She’s also doesn’t feel bad about it and has an estranged relationship with it as well. I can only conclude that this is either her nature or either she has some real cognitive dissonance skills that are at master levels. It’s like she believes her own lies and that’s a pretty scary proposition.

They say that females love for their men to have a heir of mystery about them. As a man, I can say that I don’t like that shit from my significant other. Especially knowing that honesty isn’t one of her strongest virtues. Yeah, so while I do love her in a sense of ‘appreciating her for what she is.’ I am not in Love with her in the sense of loving her for ‘who’ she is….. though yet I know that marriage isn’t about that “in love” feeling.

I value honesty (to a reasonable degree), integrity(not saying that she has to be a saint), trust (I don’t have to KNOW EVERYTHING), and security(I have to believe that I can trust her). Physical Attraction is up there, but it’s more like icing on the cake. Put it this way, she doesn’t have to be supermodel drop dead gorgeous or even a 8 in looks. I could deal with an average looking woman as most average looking women …to me anyway have something beautiful about them.

The intangibles are what are most important to me. This is why I just can’t deal with her from a marriage tip. She’s secretive, a bad communicator, lacks integrity, and is super selfish. Her secretive nature and lack of depth could be a superficial thing to me if I could just trust her. Last night, I was thinking about forgiving her and giving her the time to figure it out. And how it would look. For the sake of our family. But I honestly don’t think she’s capable of changing.

If I am expecting to too much from her to be….ya know…. a decent person, then I’ll just have to deal with being wrong about that. She’s not. How could we build anything. How could I ever overcome her betrayal if she lacks the self awareness of knowing how bad she’d feel if someone did her the same way that she did me. She is incapable of understanding the gravity of her actions. If she lacks the empathy to do something like this to our family in the first place….what won’t she do?

I believe in forgiveness and all, but I also believe that those most deserving of it take personal accountability. The simple acknowledgement of what you did wrong is a beginning. But that’s just the beginning. Otherwise, I’d be complicit in enabling her in her bad behavior. She has done nothing to show me that she’s really sorry. It proves to me that she still doesn’t value our family, friendship, or marriage. She literally either can’t understand how serious this is or really doesn’t care. At least in the way that I do.

Relationship ‘coach’ (and i use the term loosely here) Kevin Samuels had a woman on his show who was talking about marriage and she asked him….”What, should I just be miserable in my marriage because I later realize that I settled.”….

It’s an interesting statement. From a selfish person’s perspective, it makes sense. If it’s ALL about you and and your feelings, then perhaps I can see an angle. I mean if your PRIMARY concern is happiness… then everything else is just a tool that you can pick up and put down regardless of how it affects others. In a way, it’s sort of a zen master kind of thing. I really don’t know what makes me happy, I really don’t think that most people actually KNOW what makes them happy….plus happiness is a fleeting emotion….but that’s another discussion.

My stbxw also asked me the same question once. “Should I just stay and be miserable.”

Kevin responded that marriage isn’t about happiness. It’s about duty. It’s about being an adult. It’s about responsibility. Especially when kids are involved. I agree with Kevin.

I responded to the stbxw, that the way she phrased the statement shows a self defeating attitude. How did she just KNOW that she was going to be miserable forever? How could she know that if we worked together that we couldn’t fix things and make life better for all of us. However, even if she decided to try to stay and “work on things”, with that attitude, it’s like she’d self sabotage everything because she already expected things to be miserable. It would also make me have to bend over backwards to try and prove that she’s wrong….and this after her brutal affair. My hands were pretty much tied, she would have to do a LOT to try and mend the bridge that she totally incinerated. I mean unprovoked scorched earth tactics.

Plus, miserable is a pretty strong statement. It’s as if she hasn’t seen the domestic abuse cases out there, the abject poverty out there, the violence and crime, and really how fucked up life is for a lot of people. The dating world is an actual fucking joke these days. If it weren’t so bad, she wouldn’t have so many family and friends complaining about it. We didn’t have it as nearly as bad AND many people would chop their arm off to have what we had. Great jobs, 2 cars, no history of abuse or infidelity (at the time), a supportive family, and an amazing kid, living in one of the safest and most diverse and well sought after suburbs close to a major and growing metropolitan city. Life was pretty freaking good if you asked me. It could have been,( I’ve seen and experienced) a HELL of a lot worse, and even my experiences are nothing compared to what a lot of people face on the daily.

I mean, she may have been ‘unhappy’, ‘dissastified’, ‘bored’, or any number of other things, but “miserable” in this environment….tells me that either she just isn’t paying attention to what’s out there or either she’s just a miserable person. She may have fallen out of love too…..ok. I could accept that. But not to brag, I’ve always stayed in pretty good shape and am a pretty decent looking guy. Plus I clean up even more nicely. Just saying. I always get that I look way younger than my age. I’m just saying, I’m not perfect. I could probably stand to make more money, be a bit more ambitious in these sense of “leveling up financially”. But imho, those are things that we could have worked on together. I already make a pretty decent average income. I’m not saying I’m the best lover in the world, but I’ve had some pretty amazing sex with women…enough to keep them coming back for more…..Just saying.

I think things would be much easier to accept if I felt like I was the asshole in this situation or if I had done something terribly wrong. I mean, do I really need to be the asshole “alpha” tyrant that she needs to have to complain about? Is it really all about the money? I wasn’t a pussy or pushover. I wasn’t like a simp simp when it came to her. I’m pretty easy going, but at the same time, I did say NO to things that I wasn’t trying to do. Often times, I’d say no, only to mull it over and come back a few days later to revisit it and say ok. I see what you mean, maybe we can compromise on this.

I’m not a perfect man, but I really do beleieve that I was a pretty good husband. The only reason she might complain about my ability to “provide” was because she made more money than me. But even still, I’ve offered to get part time work in order that she didn’t have to work as many hours. She has the higher earning potential because she chose to decide to be nurse practitioner (who might I add, I was there working full time, commuting an hour one way sometimes, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kiddo) while she studied and went to school.

Maybe I could have been more of a leader when it came to “the bills”, but she always gave me the impression that she was better at handling the money anyway. I didn’t mind offloading that to her. In retrospect though, she isn’t much better and is actually worse at it. Sad, because I kind of suck at it too. We could have figured that out though. That’s hard because her selfishness and the notion that (“my money is my money”) really made itself apparent. Ironically, if our salaries were reversed….i’m sure it would have been “our” money. Did it really require scorched earth tactics? Wouldn’t respect, empathy, compassion, and communication just have been easier….for both of us. Did I not at least deserve that first considering who I was to her and to our son. I’ve always tried to be understanding, reasonable, and fair and she has to know that. I have pretty much always tried to compromise with her despite not always agreeing. I let her know my boundaries. In retrospect, I may have compromised a bit too much, but I did it in good faith. Not just so she’d like me.

Either way, I feel justified in going for this divorce. Not that I really need to explain myself any further at this point. Yeah, I’m unhappy now, but that’s not the reason for this. It’s her lack of honesty, integrity, and transparency. It’s her selfishness and lack of communication. She’s acting like a child and that’s not fair to me nor kiddo. She doesn’t value our family, marriage, home, nor me. I can’t be the man of the house and live where my wife doesn’t respect me. I shouldn’t be sitting here begging her for respect. Though I may not have made the money she’d like, I still proved myself time and again at least of that of a faithful friend …that I am worthy of that respect.

But given the guy she betrayed me for, I’m wondering if her respect is even worth anything anyway.

For the record, this betrayal went further than just having sex with some random guy. The guy wanted domination over her and to prove it, he tested her by having attempt to humiliate me. It’s too embarrasing to even into too much detail on an anonymous blog post, but trust me, it was pretty brutal. I wanted to kill the guy. Thought about loading up “lunch” and going up there to see him a few times over that. It wasn’t even about her at that point, but it was about how he seemed to make it personal. Provoking me even. Not caring about the fact that I am a black father who is trying to do the right think by his family. Miss me with the black empowerment talk bruh. But it wouldn’t be worth it. I’d likely lose my freedom and my kid and his 4 kids would lose a “father” and his 3 baby mamas would lose out on their karma.

But it’s like she doesn’t even get how when she allowed that to happen, she also disrespected our son. Ya know, the kid who looks up to me …his father… more than anyone else in the world.

Truly, what value could a woman who is capable of doing this and being unable to reflect upon it even have?

She is quite literally the women that proverbs 5:6 warns us about:

“She gives no thought to the way of life;
    her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.”

It’s a fools errand to even want validation back from her. She cannot give it. It’s really not even in her to be able to give it. And in truth, she never had the power to take it in the first place if she was capable of this level of betrayal in the first place. Her true value for me was never in her looks nor her job. It was in what I thought was her heart. But I projected that heart on to her. I made a mistake. I gave her a heart that she doesn’t have. Probably never did. But I had the power to do that. And the only validation that I really needed was here with me the whole time.

This isn’t going to be easy

Stbxw came over last night to drop kiddo off.

I really wanted to not be there bcuz I knew that I wasn’t ready yet.

I don’t want to hate her. Logically I know that it’s over.   But forgiving someone who betrayed you is a hard thing to do.   I didn’t help that I decided to drink a bottle of wine before I walked in to the house.

I really tried to avoid her….even telling her that I didn’t want to talk.   And yet, as usual, she somehow got me to talking and abruptly shut down.

Understandable because who wants to keep hearing about how they fuxked up and hurt you.

Plus it doesn’t help that she thinks slower than I do.   Its like I know what she’s going to say before she says it.  

I noticed that  I interrupted her a few times when she was talking because I knew what she was about to say…she was like “let me finish, you don’t even know what I was going to say.”

My dumb as went ahead and said it and asked if I was right…..yeah.  I mean I was actually right, but it was wrong of me to not let her get it out.

It’s just frustrating to have to slow it down to talk to her.    But I guess equally as frustrating from her side to talk to a “know it all.”  

Part of forgiving has to come with slowing it down so that she can keep up without me being a dick about it.   The conversation was just painfully slow for me.    Its like knew what she is about to say and even why she said it and why I already disagree. 

  I understand why she sees things that way, but it’s like, if she also saw things my way….not thst she’s necessarily wrong for looking at it her way… but she could see things more wholistically and be able to understand why I’m saying what I’m saying.

I have to accept that she likes to keep things shallow and superficial.   I like to go deep….perhaps too deep sometimes.   She just isn’t a deep thinker by any stretch of the imagination.

It’s not about who is deeper or being right or wrong …it’s just about understanding.  She just doesn’t get me.  And truth be told, is probably incapable of doing so.   It’s like we operate on different frequencies. 

I don’t say this with arrogance though I know how it sounds.   But for real, her responses are quite predictable and I learn really more about myself than anything new about her when we speak.

She didn’t feel heard.   I tried to “date” a therapist chick once and despite “reading me” and pretty much accurately describing what I said, why I said it, and what I was probably going to say next….I didn’t want to hear it coming from her mouth.    I didn’t feel heard nor respected.    So I get it.

Yeah….I was an asshole last night.   I was really trying to hold it together….but this anger runs deep.   Maybe it was the alcohol, (note to self:  DO NOT DRINK AROUND HER)

She cannot give me closure….nor can she really do anything to help me get over it.     I know that I need time and space.    

I knew that I wasn’t ready, but I didnt realize HOW unprepared I was.  despite having a few weeks of minimal contact…its still feels so raw.   And though she did betray our marriage and friendship and we’ll never be friends again….

dunno, I know there are two sides to the story….but I really cant see what I did to deserve that.    But even if it were objectively possible to ascribe the complete degeneration of our “relationship” to her treatment of me….I still have to get over it.

I have to let it go.  

I’m the asshole bcuz I’m still hurt and angry at the way that she did me.   Funny how that works.   I have to forgive her and still kiss her ass in a way because we have to coparent.

I have to Just give her the floor  and let her talk…no matter how stupid, slow shallow,  obvious,  or short-sided it sounds.  I have to truly exercise patience and silence with this one. 

Her voice has to heard….no matter how stupid….ok short sighted her “reasoning” is.  I have to learn to stfu, let her say her stupid shit, and not add to, take from, disagree, ask for clarification,  or otherwise modify anything.

I still tbibk she’s slow, shallow, and superficial…..A black  stereotypical “blonde”.  I don’t know how I thought it was a good idea to actually marry her….but I didn’t really know know the way that i do now.

I have to stop expecting so much from her.

Trauma Bonds

I’m literally sitting over here with stbxw rn….and it’s not Good.

I’m talking shit to her like way too much like i just can’t stfu.

I’m toixic.

I just can’t let it go

I knew this shit was gonna happen

Fuck it

IT is what it is rn

Worry about it later

She just doesn’t respect me….

Or she’s just coping the way that she does…

I gotta stop judging it negatively….

Accept it and don’t take it personally.

<easier said than done…>

shut up hold it in and don’t say ANYTHING


Testing The Technique

On occasion, I find myself binge listening to Neville Goddard, Rev. Ike, Claude Bristol, and a few other mid 20th century ‘self help’ gurus. They talk about manifestation and intentionally creating reality. A big aspect of this is using your subconscious beliefs in order to create your desired outcomes in life. I’ve written on this before. At the time, I feared that my hurt, bitterness, and anger against the stbxw would be too deeply ingrained into my subconscious and that if it were possible to use these thought techniques effectively, I’d have to really want her back.

This time away from her through no contact has made me realize that instead of using it to want her back or fix our marriage. I really should be using them in order to make sure that kiddo is ok. In this way, she and I can still get divorced and he will not be damaged by it.

Whenever I think about telling him, I assume….consciously and subconsiously that he’s going to be extremely hurt by the news. I didn’t even think about the possibility that he won’t be hurt by it. Now, if the theory/technique is correct, he will be extremely hurt because it is my expectation that he will be. However, if I can feel that the outcome of this will be acceptance, then the impact he feels may not be so bad.

He’s going to pick up on our energy. My energy was that of being still angry and bitter. I am healing and getting better. I’m still angry and bitter, but not as nearly to the degree that I was since she’s moved out. I have to be strong, confident, and firm and lead him by example. I can’t allow my subconscious emotions to leak out in my micro expressions and body language. I have to feel that this is the “right thing to do.”

It is the “right thing” to do in my estimation. STBXW must really wants to be out of this marriage and I’d be a damned fool to try to keep her here. Especially considering her lack of empathy and respect for (both of us) for real. I don’t care what she says, she disrespected kiddo by disrespecting me the way that she did. If a person disrespected my mother then I’m taking it as disrespect towards me and my family. How much more so if SHE allowed someone to do it to the person that her own child looks up to the most.

Maybe I could see if I actually did wicked things to her or him….but simply for the sexual gratification of another man….hell no ma’am. I can see that her loyalty is only to her. It’s not even to the other guy for real. Not in a real way anyway. Her primary principle is anything for “her happiness” in the moment. And if she feels that “her happiness” (even if temporary) must be obtained by sacrificing those closest to her, she’ll throw them right under the bus and not lose an ounce of sleep over it.

But even if she wanted to stay in the marriage. I can’t forgive her for everything that she did. She did those things intentionally. She stabbed me in the back and left me for dead. She saw my heart breaking, looked me right in my eyes, and did absolutely nothing but dig the knife in deeper and twist it. That bitch tried to kill me. But haha bitch. I survived. Lol. She fucked me up. But i survived and I’m getting better!!!

I let go of my anger and bitterness towards her for my own sake. I don’t regret loving her when I did. My intentions were pure I know that for sure. But she has let me know the kind of person she is….and she cannot be my wife.

Perhaps she was my karma for something/ a soul mate/ twin flame or something. Maybe it was some sort of lesson or trial that I had to go through. Maybe I had to break a generational curse. There is no way someone could cause this much pain and suffering to someone else without there have being some kind of cosmic bond. But either way, she did her job and now she can go fuck herself. I’ve had enough from her this lifetime and probably enough for the next 3 lifetimes. Fuck you and I CAN wait to see u again.

That said, it’s now the time to allow the logical and pragmatic part of this take over for kiddo. There is no room for uncontrolled emotions from me. Obviously I’m going to have to be sensitive to his emotions and calibrate the message in a way that will allow him understanding. He is a lot like me so maybe if i can just channel that 11 year old me and imagine how I would have talked to myself. about it.

This relationship is a dangerously toxic in that the symptoms aren’t as obvious. I guess it’s like having a disease that doens’t show any symptoms until it’s too late. I fear that me and stbxw’s secrecy in regards to everything is kind of like that. I was too codependent on her to help me make the decision. I see now that I have to take the lead. I can’t trust an unrepentant traitor anyway.

The beta male conundrum

     The manifestation of I AM….at this moment appears to be that of a beta ‘ish’ male.

That said…I am just now coming to realize that perhaps the only way to keep someone is to hurt them.

Trauma bonding seems to be the way these days .  U have to have it in you to  hurt those who love u to do that.   Otherwise they will hurt you…. Idk if I can?   Maybe I have a martyr complex or something.

Sure,  u can attract someone if you try enough (it is truly a numbers and persistence  game)…but to keep them interested seems to require that you MUST fill them with uncertainty while promising it in between the lines once you gain attraction.   Fake it till u make it BABY!!!the end goal is having THEM under YOUR spell… as opposed to other way around.   hook them by splashing in some covert emotional abuse….and U got them.    Sinister and wicked. Idk if it’s enough in me (personally) to do it….maybe I love love and organic truth too much?  I’m just not motivated to have someone that bad right now.  Rock with me or nah

Exhausting game for me…but whatever…I can only ride in my lane.  Either fighting the current or flowing with it.  Either option valid it seems sometimes.  …

I am really trying to get over stbxw….and the conclusion as why it’s been so damned hard is bcuz I must have been trauma bonded to her.  It’s so weird how that works….

Irl….I don’t necessarily need her to play the role of my wife.  She’s NOT fit for the part in this moment of my life anyway…and that’s ok…she is my son’s mother. 

Sure,  kids feel trauma after a divorce….it sucks for sure….but the ONLY thing I can do at this point is figure out the best way to end it without hurting him.

I have to let this shit go completely as not to subconsciously communicate the hurt I experienced from a her (ungraceful) exit out of this marriage.

She doesn’t “love” me like that anymore….fuck it….some females bail…she’s a runner, she’s a track star

And truly the best act of love that I ever could give her is to forgive….and let it go

I never wanted to possess her in the sense of love guilting her into honoring vows that ended up TOO hard for her to keep.

And just because she lacks the…foresight and empathy to understand the things the way (the ME in I ) sees it … I should not Judge her as I’ve been doing.  She is just doing “us’

My EGO (the ME) took things way too personally….as it was supposed to do. But In hindsight,  I was pretty unwise in marrying HER anyway…I see that now.

But the lesson must be to LOVE and let it go.  pain…ouch it hurts bad!!!  it’s  the price we pay. but perhaps it’s part of the process or cycle of karma… its the price u pay for that type of love

And if painting this picture of this incarnation of (the ME) version is using the strokes of (Jesus who loved us enough to die for us tho we weren’t “worthy) can be another color used to paint this canvas within the MIND/REALITY of the MOST HIGH…. then WE as indivual  manifestations  of MOST HIGH….continues to EVOLVE as WE do…

  my ego*(ME in I)…the devil in the details….attachment to something is causing the suffering and pain.  I was TOO attached as LOVE tends to make us humans do that.  My attachment to her  was evil to me though the love was always real….THE DEVIL …maybe love is a necessary responsibility and forgiveness is part of that….not saying we should be together in a marriage tho.

She is my karma….my soul mate….tho soul mates don’t necessarily have to be lovers or friends forever in this life.  She was there for reason and a season

So…irl on a even deeper level….I HAVE TO let it go.    Not bcuz she ‘deserves’ it or wicked karma…..but bcuz I do love her.    She is I….and she did give me kiddo….  a fair exchange pain and ALL!!!

And the DEVIL in me that seeks to kill and destroy is using my ego to harm me…..”I am” the devil in us as well and  that’s what it’s supposed to do.   He is also teaching me…the “hard way”…perhaps the best way this time…my karma…thank u stbxw for playing this role in my life…u bitch u lol…

Just vibe with it!!!and keep marching…I got this on lock!

Feeling so much better

No contact does appear to be working for me. It’s been a couple of days since I had my last REAL intense bout of anxiety. Time really does help heal all wounds. I was thinking how I used to have the anxiety during ALL woke hours of the day in the beginning to it gradually decreasing and now it’s not every day. I’m not sure how it’s going to work with me from here on out as I am aware that they did seem to happen out the blue from time to time. But I am taking the decrease in ‘attacks’ to mean that I am even closer to the finish line.

I’m still not at the wheeew wow, I feel… normal phase. But then again, it’s been so long since I’ve felt ‘normal’ that I don’t know how that really feels anymore. But I will say that I am much better as of now.

She did text me the other day about some random things that didn’t have to do with business, but I didn’t reply as I told her from the beginning that I needed time to heal. She also called, but I didn’t answer nor reply by text. It felt weird in a way. I felt good for a second, but then I felt kind of shitty.

Unfortunately, I have to admit that I have been back to snooping though. Damn. That’s the next drug I need to break. Even though I signed out of her account, the damned browser remembered her password. The night I signed her out, I tried to get back in and it wouldn’t let me. But the next day, in a moment of weakness, I tried again and somehow, it remembered and let me back in. UGH….. I don’t know what I’m looking for at this point.

It really doesn’t seem right and I have to STOP that shit. As I type this, I’m tempted to check to see if any new photos got uploaded. I did see from accidental text screenshots that she was still in contact with her latest affair partner. Honestly though, I’m not surprised and in certain ways, I don’t care. At least, I don’t think so.

I’m no psychologist. But from what I’ve been researching and based on people who’ve experience narcissistic abuse. She may be a covert narc. I’m still a little hesitant on giving her this title as I might be mad that she decided to move on. I will say that they all pretty much described that their relationships followed a very similar pattern to this one…. From the idealization/lovebombing phase where I was swept off my feet to the discard/devaluaton phase where all empathy and respect was completely lost.

From their accounts, I should expect a couple of things:

  1. if she finds a new steady supply, the relationship will progress rather rapidly and I should expect that she’ll either start posting that new person online….(maybe, but she is a private person, so maybe not)… or she’ll start bringing him around family. She may go so far as to introduce kiddo to them. I can’t put it past her. Whether she does or doesn’t, I just have to prepared that this is a huge possibility. I’m not sure how well I can handle that right now, but if it does happen, it helps a little to at least see it coming.

2. She may try to hoover and breadcrumb to get me back in if the supply isn’t giving her what she needs. Even if things are going pretty well with him, she may try to triangulate and pretend as if she isn’t dealing with him anymore. I’m thinking that this is going to depend on whether or not her ‘backup’ supply is good enough for her.

3. She may try to spread rumors or outright lie about the nature of our relationship, This would be pretty bad for her because I do have evidence of her infidelities including photos, text exchanges, voice recordings and so forth with time stamps. Hopefully it won’t get that bad.

4. She may move on with her life and proceed as if nothing has happened. It is highly likely that she won’t even think about me at all and has pretty much forgotten about me. In the best case scenario, these were exit affair(s). Not intentionally malicious despite the damaging impact to my mental well being. She wanted out and just didn’t know HOW to handle it maturely.

5)She might try to fix it…. but given her scorched earth tactics, I’m fairly certain this will not happen. Even if she does, conventional wisdom is that you should NEVER take someone back like that after they treated you this way because they never change. She knew how to at least try and salvage some aspects of our friendship and refused to do so. It’s going to take a loong time before I’d even consider trying to even be her friend out of fear that there is something in me that might be vulnerable to her. Trauma bonds are hard to overcome from what I hear. I don’t want to hate this woman either, but SHE is NOT my friend.

At this point, I have to consider her like a former drug that I was addicted to. I cannot even flirt with the possibility of any sort of relationship, sex, friendship or anything. We have to coparent….but this must be done from as much distance and with as little emotion as possible.

Make no mistake, my admission of possible vulnerability to her is not trying to give myself an out….just in case I change my mind. I’d consider going back to her as a complete failure on my behalf….I just have to admit that I truly don’t know how much power she still has over me (it really could be none)…but I’m not taking any chances. She had cast a powerful spell on me and I cannot take it lightly.

I have to be prepared for anything.

Freeing and Letting Go

The other day, I decided to radically let go of her. What I mean by radically, I mean that I decided to literally say something along the lines of “I free you and let you go in peace.” In my prayer. I asked God to give me peace and strength. In addition to just saying it, I tried to feel it as I spoke it. Meaning, I imagined what it would feel like if I truly did this….as I was speaking it.

That feeling is a sense of peace and tranquility. In a bodily sense, it is intentionally removing the anxiety I felt in my heart area and stomach area and replacing that with relaxation. It’s not an easy thing to do immediately. It’s slippery if you hold on for too long, too hard. But once I finally dialed it in….I made a mental record of it and tried to approximate that feeling for as long as I could.

In other words, I tried to muster up all of the honest conviction I could in the moment to just let this go. From this, I discovered that part of the ‘hope’ deep and buried in my subconscious was that if I never let go and held on to a tiny piece of her, then she’d feel it, sense that “our special bond” was about to break and that she’d reconsider. That she’d somehow just I dunno, change her mind or something. It was like, it was (as stupid as this sounds) my responsibility somehow to keep the connection alive between us. Like, all of this suffering was to prove that I loved her the whole time. And that it was on me to make sure that our ‘spiritual’ connection didn’t get totally severed. Yes, very stupid. Stupid games give you stupid prizes. But again, this was a subconscious thought.

I gotta keep digging those subconscious beliefs out as they have to be the reasons why this has been so hard for me. Why should I be so angry that she chose to leave. Sure she did it in a really fucked up way. She didn’t respect me. She didn’t appreciate me enough. But again, though the effect was that I felt that she owed me something….say respect. IRL, how the fuck can I enforce that. Maybe she didn’t feel that way. Or even if she did, it wasn’t enough to stop her from doing all this bullshit. The ONLY way you can make someone appreciate something is to take it away…..and even then, they may discover that they don’t value that thing anyway.

I can’t control her feelings (which people tend to act upon anyway mostly) without manipulation. Which I kind of suck at doing anyway. Plus, she hurt me so bad to a point where I just don’t desire her like that anymore. There is no way back for US. And looking back, if all of the memories we had, our family, our son, our vows, my sincere love, and all the things I did for her wasn’t enough. That our friendship and philia love wasn’t valuable enough to her…. Then I can only say that I did what my best with what I had and what I knew. Our definition of love is different. It was real for me, I can say that. Hers….who’s to say, but it’s not what I’d call love exactly based on her actions.

Knowing This and listening to a constant playlist on youtube of women cheating on their husbands in the most atrocious, disrepectful, and heartbreaking ways …. coincidentally, a lot of redpill content creators have been talking about how these types of things drive some men to suicide or killing others… and how it is VERY important to vet these women and even afterwards, don’t LOVE with your heart. Has been helping.

Her actions are not uncommon. Her mindset isn’t out of the ordinary these days unfortunately. There are a LOT of hurting souls out there. Heartbreak is a real thing as much as we’d like to trivialize, it often does cause a LOT of emotional pain and mental trauma. Perhaps she’s unaware or possibly doesn’t care.

Either way, I’ve learned that you can’t make a person like this change. Any show of love from them is superficial and done with an agenda. It’s a very selfish type of love. Any show of love from this type is strategic and not from an authentic place. They literally lack the capacity either out of missing something or ignorance. You can’t really expect them to be something they cannot be. Otherwise, shit like this happens to you if you expect more from them. She is who the fuck she is….and trying to make her something she isn’t is a fools errand. My dick is magical, but I ain’t no gotdamned magician. lol

I held on and got burned. There is something about a trauma bond that’s just brutal on people.

I listened to a video about some guy who’s second wife cheated on him and basically did many of the things my stbxw did to me. He listed all of the detective work he had to do to catch her in lies. I mean lies after lies after lies. And even after he confronted her with this evidence, she’d either deny, act like it wasn’t as big of a deal, blameshift to him, or change her tactics.

Though he ‘talked big’ and loudly proclaimed his boundaries to her. She kept doing stuff and getting caught. She was pretty much unremoseful. She didn’t do it in ways that were blatant. But in ways where it was just enough to keep that “hope” alive inside of him. I’ve you’ve never experienced it, you’d never know.

But upon listening to his reports and updates on the situation….and realizing how I did the same things….I understood something else. The more you talk about it…. try to explain yourself, try to threaten, try to place boundaries, try to catch them, and so forth…. it shows that you’re still too emotionally invested to really do anything about it. They know that they can get you back. They can show you the act right if they wanted to. They really could fix this if they really cared about hurting you or feared you moving on without them. They don’t want you like that and they know that you’re not going anywhere. My lover told me that she’d do the same thing to me if I let her. Red flag, but real talk. I understood what she was saying. I don’t think that I’d actually hurt someone like that….especially now knowing the real damage it does to people mentally. But I get how if someone thinks they have that kind of power over you, could become drunk with it.

That woman cheated on that guy like 5 times (that is with 5 different people). Most people with a decent amount of self respect and esteem wouldn’t take a person back once. Let alone twice. She doesn’t love and respect him despite all that he did for her….including pay all of the bills and help with the housework. He still had to sneak into her phone, install a gps tracker, and put a voice activiated recorder in her car. Despite her still failing to stop. He still kept confronting her and trying to lay down more boundaries.

I’m so guilty of that. I don’t know why I’m trying to tally up the score to the point where I’ve had enough. Her cheating once and subsequent lack of remorse really shows me how pathetic I really was. To my defense though, I had enough and did try to get her to leave. This witch knew she had me painted into a corner and took advantage of the fact that she didn’t have to vacate the property. Added to the hell of not wanting to hurt kiddo AND knowing that I didn’t have anywhere to go….she pretty much had her way. I also failed by trying to hide the truth from kiddo.

It’s a lot to have to deal with. I got abused in her exit strategy. I made it worse by caring. My pride actually did more damage as I should have just let it go, allowed her to do whatever the hell she wanted to do, not say anything, and quietly planned an exit strategy. No further evidence needed as the first unremorseful cheat should have been enough for me to be hell bent on leaving this home that she burned down.

Men who love like this are often called Simps. I get it. But I do think that it’s something deeper. I think it is normal for some guys to want to protect the family at all costs. A lot of us were happy. But this is the risk we pay when the foundation of our happiness is family and the women that we love.

Kiddo is my responsibility. However, I cannot be the best version of myself for him if my mental health is in the dumps. I’m not teaching him to value himself (by example) by putting up with that type of disrespect from a woman.

STBXW and I differ greatly as she feels that children should not be “in grown folks business”. And yet I feel that we should be accountable for actions. In fact, she put him in ‘our’ business by helping create this environment. I really don’t want to risk damaging their relationship if I tell him the truth. Obviously not all the gory details….but I do feel that he should know the truth….and it would be on her to take accountability to make it right. Who knows, he might even be understanding?

But as a man. As his father, i do think that he should KNOW the reason WHY we’re splitting. Otherwise, I’d be teaching him that it’s ok to go back on promises, vows, and responsibilities BECAUSE you just stopped feeling like doing it. If you can give up on your family and those who depend on you and trust you just because you ‘feel’ unhappy about handling your responsibility, then why not give up on anything once it becomes hard.

She lacks integrity. And while pretty women can get away with this, we as men….especially black men are not afforded this luxury. The consequences along with loss off reputation is huge. Plus it isn’t operating upon masculine principle. It’s the difference between a stand up guy and a snake. We must live by higher principles and the truth is that no one cares about men’s feelings in a real way. Our personal pride and integrity is all that we have and the higher standard that we hold ourselves to the more we can rightly require out of others.

While she may think I’m being….petty. It’s her lack of morality in this important issue that has us here in the first place. She thinks it’s ok to ‘hide’ things and that if you didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. That ma’am is a lack of integrity….but if you so choose to live that way, then if the light shines in on your bullshit, you have to take accountability. Meaning that you have to by very definition take the consequences…. Consequences usually aren’t pleasant AT all in these cases.

It’s not about being petty. It’s about being principled. I’m thinking that the next stop to all of this is figuring out how to tell him. But i have to do it in a way where he can the get the message of forgiveness without being a doormat. I don’t want to eff him psychologically.

Can we skip this part?

I know that stbxw will never come across this blog, and even if she did, she’d never read it even though it would be a way to understand my most inner thoughts towards her and our situation. She’s just not that type of person who cares enough….knowing this is somewhat relieving. Reason #289 why we are not compatible….lol

She never loved me for real. I don’t know if she’s capable of ever loving someone in a deep way. Id be really surprised if she were anyway.

Personally, I think that I’d be interested in knowing a potential s/o’s thoughts about their previous relationships, but then again, I wouldn’t read a journal or diary bcuzit might be too personal so I wouldn’t read it…..not out of disinterest, just out of a respect of their privacy….I write this as therapy for me under a pen name and hopefully someone else out there going thru something similar can gain some insight to help them through this dark time.

In any case, I wonder why the break ups with all of my exes felt mild in comparison to this. Even the bad/no so amicable ones.

I was ready to leave…..I didnt ruminate nor did I need to use ‘no contact’ as a tool of either getting their attention or as a space to heal. I just never looked back . Sure, it hurt for a week or so….but I don’t recall ever being in so much pain.

I actually looked forward to life without them despite still having ‘some’ feelings there.

Stbxw is most likely seeing me in the same way as I saw my exes. Perhaps she’s so distracted with potential new love options/interests that she jsut doesn’t take the time to think about me. Plus she never really loved me LIKE THAT anyway….and financially she’ll not really losing much.

I just wish I had the luxury of NOT feeling so hurt by this. Even if I did truly love….why is it so damned painful?

I hate the fact that my body is going through so much pain and yet she probably feels and will never feel anything close….at least towards me. It just seems so unfair that I suffer while she gets off relatively pain free. Yet she did me so wrong with all the unnecessary cheating, lying, betrayals, and gaslighting. Perhaps this is what trauma bonding is all about.

Deep down, I think that I just want her to suffer emotionally because of the way she treated me. It’s not necessarily because she wanted out. I still want justice but I believe that if karma does bite her in the ass… won’t be because she felt bad about doing it this way.

I just want the pain to stop. I don’t care about karma at this point right now. Why is it so hard sometimes to let this shit go? I feel so stupid. The idea of suffering because a person who treated you like shit finally moved on with their life. Why am I not cool…if not ecstatic at the possibilities for the future? Relationships can’t get much worse than this…and I’ve learned so much about what I will accept and won’t.

My esteem isn’t so low as to beleieve that she was the BEST I could do….what is this evil demonic spell she cast on me? I REALLY HAVE NO REASON TO WANT TO HOLD ON….nor any reason to hope for reconciliation. I don’t even see HOW it would be possible….AT ALL

Is this just the universe….”universing” through me? Perhaps it’s just destiny or karma for me to have to feel this pain…..maybe it was just my destiny.

This part of the story sucks. Can’t wait for this chapter to be over.