What if

What if I were married to a beautiful soul. We had a family, a kid or two, a house, memories, and pretty much everything promised by the American dream. Then one day, I met some who’s attraction I couldn’t deny. It was mutual. A twin flame. Beautiful in every unconventional sense. Even more of a doll to look at. My physical, mental, and spiritual type. And as if fate dropped this temptation at my doorstep.

We’d talk, laugh, and conversation seemed effortless and infinite. She just got me in ways that my beautiful wife never did seemed to. It seemed that we knew each other from a past life. Our connection was supernatural. I thought about her, what we talked about, and what I wanted to tell her next. As I sat there, holding my wife on the couch while the kids were on the floor watching our favorite movie. Movie night at the Jones’s. A typical Saturday evening.

My phone buzzes, I reach over and check. It’s her, almost on queue. Texting about the very thing I was just thinking about. This connection was strong. It was deep. And right then I knew that this could be an issue. “Who was that” asks my wife.

We don’t lie to each other. I always loved her honesty.

What to say? I gotta say something now:

“Oh, just a friend.” damn, that sounds suspect.

“Oh” she says….”Everything cool?”

“Yeah”. followed by a short awkward silence.

She bought it. Or did she? I’m not really good at this lying thing. But i mean, it’s just a little white lie. I’ll figure it out later. Besides she trusts me and she’s not really the confrontational type.

Yeah that would be tough. The road to an affair probably starts off like this. One white lie, followed by lies by omission and so forth. The death of a solid relationship and trust by a thousand paper cuts. The comparisons, the built up resentments. Marriage ain’t easy, but fulfilling in it’s own way. Yet this is a new breath of fresh air. The temptation. I could imagine excitement. Confusion. The realization that you’re Falling in love with someone else. How after years of a good thing and never being tempted to suddenly having this new woman’s energy slip in as a trojan horse and break down my city walls. Guilty pleasures. Compromises.

Cognitive dissonance as I try to navigate the the blurred lines of right and wrong. I think this is what’s meant by “affair fog”.

It’s a slippery slope. And I’d imagine that it’s easy to slip, fall in love, bust your ass, and destroy the foundation of what you and your true soul mate labored so hard to build.

All from one white lie.

I hate cheaters. We become monsters. Trapped in our own web of deceit. We destroy those who love us. We become unrepentant love addicts. We lose our way, lose ourselves. Compromise our integrity and morals, ironically claiming to love….yet somehow uncaring that we manage to destroy those who love us most.

I hate this space. This energy. It feels disgusting.

TBH, i’m glad that I wasn’t the one who had to play this role. It would drive me fucking crazy.

I can empathize and I could see how it could happen to a relatively decent person.

In a way, maybe this is what happened to STBXW. But seriously, it’s like once they fall into that trap, they’re gone forever. I feel sorry for her in a way. But i see no way of giving her the light. It’s like she’s trapped in a desert of darkness. Her only source of illumination are the compromises she made. The fake promises and compromises that she made with herself on that slippery slope are as mirages now. And she desperately clings to them in hopes that she can find her way. She signed a deal with her own devils. Her hell is that she’s gets to roam in the a land of darkness forever chasing illusions.

I’ll pray for her. She had choices man and consequences result. And if she ever finds her way. She’ll have to pay dearly in her mind for them.

Perhaps it’s more merciful to let her wander out there. Could she handle the light after dwelling in darkness for so long. If she opened her eyes and could truly see the destruction and damage she caused. It would be like going through a second round of hell. One of mental anguish and pain this time. I really don’t know if she could handle it to be honest.

I could forgive, but I can’t take her back. As a final act of love. For me and for her, I must forgive with my heart. I hope she wakes up though. And may God be merciful to us both.

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