So I broke no contact with STBXW in the name of hoping to get a better understanding of how we’re going talk to kiddo. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes or so. I ended up talking more about how she betrayed me and I blah blah blah. We ended up talking about our relationship. Maybe it was needed. I don’t know.
I was worried that she was going to get narcisstic supply from me. To be honest though, I don’t care. I was thinking that in addition to allowing me to heal through the process, no contact could be used to punish her in a way by denying her the satisfaction of getting that validation. The first part has still immensely helped. She did get her narc supply by getting me to open up emotionally. But I really don’t care.
It was a fair exchange. The conversation made me realize how incompatible we really are. I can’t really grow in an intellectual way with her. I still cut her off a lot. But this is because I already know what she’s going to say before she says it. It’s a frustrating exercise. I already know what conclusions she’s going to draw based on her argument. At one point, she complained that I’m not listening. I not only recapped what she said, I also concluded the part she hadn’t got to before I cut her off.
Her response: “Right”.
Me: I’m just saying, I see what you’re saying, but you’re not looking at the bigger picture.
Her: No, you’re just being petty about it.
We basically talked about accountability and she seems to think that accountability is simply acknowledging what she did wrong. I tried explaining that acknowledgment is only the first step. The second is taking full responsibility for the consequences with means accepting what goes along with it.
She doesn’t want to tell kiddo the why we’re splitting apart. I’m on the fence about telling him the WHY, but I wanted to tell her my thought process behind it. She didn’t want to hear it nor discuss possible solutions as to how we could explain it. Instead of hearing me out, she told me about how parents shouldn’t bad mouth each other.
I want to teach him my thoughts on marriage and she can present hers. And I would never discourage him from choosing not to be with her. We would make it fair. I’d never bad mouth her, but simply tell him that we disagree on our views on marriage. Not saying that I’m right (though I think that I am) or that she’s wrong (necessarily). But either way, we both love HIM. I’d never feel any way if he decided to be with her for a bit or vice versa. She wasn’t hearing that and this is where we fundamentally disagree.
I understand that it isn’t a child’s place to know everything. I wouldn’t give him the sordid details about the affair(s) she had. Though I cheated myself, she did acknowledge that she understood why. I’d be willing to talk about it, but I do feel that it’s TMI to try to explain that “Well mommy cheated and kept cheating…daddy felt bad and got low self esteem….he didn’t wnat to hurt you by divorcing and thought it would make him feel better if he did too….it did in certain ways and not in others….but he should have divorced her instead….and blah blah blah.”
But I do want him to understand what accountability looks like and hiding the truth isn’t what accountability is. Again, he doesn’t need to know about the affair….but truth is that she’s the one who decided that she doesn’t want to be in this marriage anymore. She thinks that if someone is unhappy in a marriage, they should split. I believe that they should try to work on their issues before deciding to split…. she didn’t want to work on things and I can’t keep her where she doesn’t want to be. just that simple. no need to mention an affair.
I’m just saying, if she wants to die on that hill, then she should own up to it. That’s accountability in my eyes. I’d never bad mouth her and always encourage him to have a good relationship with her….. we just see things differently. However, she fears that it would adversely affect their relationship. Maybe it would maybe it wouldn’t, but either way…she made the decision. (or should I say forced my hand to do so)….
Again, these are just ideas. I wanted to let her know how I felt and what I was thinking….Not necessarily what I am going to actually say.
She also talked about how we live in a toxic environment and said that I should take accountability for my role in that. That really pissed me off because I will not take responsibility for that. I told her that it’s on her because she blindsided me with her being unhappy and instead of communicating this, she chose to have affairs and keep cheating. This would cause a toxic environment anywhere. If I behaved in a toxic manner, it’s only because she made it that way. If she pushed me into the mud and I got muddy, she can’t blame me for being muddy. She didn’t address her issues with me and unilaterally decided to go this route.
She explained that her “unhappiness” and “resentment” stemmed from not being in life where she wanted to be. She says that she wants to be a “power” couple with multiple businesses and properties and traveling the world and stuff. Now, while I think that is sort of fantasy fairytale talk. She has OD’d off instagram. It’s not reality for MOST people. Plus, I’m not a worldly person like that anyway…. I’m not mad at people who live for that stuff….i’d take it if were given to me…. but I’m not motivated by that stuff though i do understand the importance of money and security.
It is apparently important to her, so I won’t tell her that I think it’s bullshit. Besides, I’m sure it’s possible if we both decided that was what we were going to do. We could have at least work towards it. My point was that she could have just told me that and I could have either decided that I wasn’t going to do it OR maybe I would have attempted it.
She knows that I’m not materialistic like that. But maybe I would have done it for her. But even if I didn’t, just because I don’t necessarily agree with that lifestyle, doesn’t mean I resent her for it. We could have amicably decided that it isn’t working. We could have dissolved the marriage, but maintained a friendship.
Truth is, she isn’t my type when it comes to that either. I really don’t need all of that to be happy. I prefer women who are deeper, less materialistic, and spiritual. I’d prefer if she could talk to me about the things that I find important. That I don’t really care to talk about the housewives of atlanta or whatever trending topic that comes along with that. I am not interested in keeping up with the Jones’s. If she is, “do you boo”. I’d never have held her back from that. Maybe we could have achieved it together. Or With or without me. Either way, despite her not being “who I would feel more compatible with”, I never held it against her. I certainly wouldn’t have used it as an excuse to betray her or destroy our family.
I wanted to get into if it were truly the case…then why the fuck is she dealing with men who make about as much money as me who also have several kids by different women. Her argument would make sense if she actually dealt with men where doing big things already.
I claimed that the real reason she wanted separation is because she wanted to deal with other men. I can accept that, but just be real about it. She swears that it has nothing to do with it. Really though, if it were the case, she didn’t have to deal with other men in her pursuit to “greatness”. Or she could have just divorced me first. She didn’t have to compromise her morals for that. Though she still insists that they have nothing to do with it. Yah, ok. She lies to herself imho. I’ve seen these stupid text conversations with these guys who pretty much do what I do. Work a 9 to 5 for someone else and who “plan on investing” or “buying some properties.” These guys are my age and if they were on it like that, they’d already be on it. Plus, they have several kids to feed. Just saying.
Finally, I talked to her about how fucked up betrayal was. Her response. People cheat all the time. It doesn’t make me a terrible person because I did it. Though I should have let her hang herself …again…. with that statement and not replied. I mentioned how pedofiles molest kids all the time. Murderers murder. Rapists rape…and so forth all the time. We’re judged on our actions, not about how we feel about ourselves. Her response. “Well, I didn’t cheat until we were married for 5 years.” “I never cheated before then” UGH. Am I crazy?
I told her how it’s fucked up that I am stuck with all this pain and hurt. Her: “Well I’m hurt too, do you think that I want to hurt MY son like that.”….. ME: “Well fuck me then, right”…. This was after she acknowledged that I was good to her as a friend and husband, even though she feels we aren’t compatible.
Overall, the conversation we had last night served as a reminder that she just isn’t a good woman for me. This chick is either stupid as she really believes the bullshit coming out of her mouth. Manipulative and just saying shit to get to me. Toxic (self evident … at least to me anyway)….. Or I just don’t get her (I don’t care to try to at this point anymore).
I’m no genius, saint, or guru. But talking to her is really really really frustrating. She just doens’t get it. It goes to show that being ‘educated’ and having common sense can be mutually exclusive things. She’s too got damned old to be talking like this. I really don’t think that she can or could ever see past ….whatever the fuck it is that’s blocking her vision.
I’ve concluded that I really should forgive her because she truly cannot know what she’s doing. Otherwise, she wouldn’t feel comfortable with saying stupid shit like that. It couldn’t be manipulation unless it’s some very high level….pretend I’m stupid to throw him off type of shit. Or I could be wrong and maybe it’s me. Regardless, thank God she has moved out and on. This explains why our communication just isn’t there. I wonder if this is why she usually resorts to let me to most of the talking. I’m thinking that she isn’t really keeping up. I will say that this usually isn’t an issue with most other people. I usually walk away from most other conversations with some level of understanding about that person’s point of view, whether or not I agree with everything they say. With her, I’m just as perplexed and confused because we never get to the bottom of it. It’s like she can’t see the contradictions in her statements no matter how much I try to point them out…..and when she tries to do the same for me, her analogies miss the mark, even when I explain “I see what you’re getting at, but….”…
I recall saying “You lack nuance when conversing with me” It’s hard talking to you sometimes. My patience had run out by then. Her: “What’s your problem then.” Me: trying to back track “Nah, it’s not really that, you’re a lateral thinker and I like to go deep….but we can’t get to the root of the issue because I have to unpack a lot of the shit you be saying because I don’t get it”.
My understanding of her is that she lacks emotional development and I don’t know if she can ever really change that. I don’t know if i could trust her with kiddo, at least until he gets a bit older. Unfortunately, I just can’t tell her shit and I suspect that her lover(s) aren’t going to tell her truth. Her family coddles her. Her friends….i dont’ what what they tell her behind closed doors. I’d imagine some stupid shit like, girl, you just gotta be happy. Which is probably why most of them are single, side chicks, and love to complain about it.
I somewhat pity her, but I don’t feel sorry for her. Perhaps her secrecy and narcisistic tactics are necessary to help her survive out here. She lacks self reflection and common sense. She is shallow and somewhat of a shell of a person. She is still a human being though. I guess We are all stupid in our own ways. She’s a special kind and I gotta have patience. Knowing this though. She’s not my responsibility. I can’t drown myself trying to save her. Fuck being on different pages, we’re in different books in different sections of the library.
Meanwhile, I can’t take it personally. She really just doesn’t know better. The shit she says must make sense to her. I guess I could see why if I were a shallow and materialistic person who didn’t know what accountability was. If I were selfish and didn’t self reflect and felt that I ‘deserved’ whatever the fuck I felt entitled to regardlessof if I put in the work or not…. then I guess she makes sense.
In reality, God probably looks at me the same way and is laughing at the crackhead admonishing the heroin addict. I have to forgive and let go of this anger as it’s just stupid for being angry with a monkey for doing monkey shit. In reality, I was mad at her because I projected my values on to her. I was angry because she didn’t reflect them back. I must take accountability because the truth is, I chose to marry her. So all of the fallout from this is on me. That said, I still have to figure out the best way to move forward when it comes to kiddo.
Time to let this anger go. She is truly incapable of understanding.