Spinning my wheels

Man, I’m here searching for noncontested divorce papers so that the stbxw and I can start looking over it. I know that this has to happen. I just feel so bad. I wonder how she is just so aloof about losing our family. I wonder if she’ll ever regret it. Maybe I’m just worried for nothing. I fear for kiddo though. But stbxw just seems so unreasonable. She’s a liar and cheater. It’s just sad that people can get away with destroying homes. I know that any guy she deals with knowing our situation must be vibrating on a low frequency.

I know that people say that the other person in an affair isn’t to blame, but I disagree. They might not have pulled the trigger, but they loaded the gun and handed it to unfaithful spouse. They’re an accessory. Anyone willing to go in and assist with destroying a kid’s home has to a selfish m.f. in my opinion. I mean is sex really that important to them. It’s probably not even really all that good. Sex with selfish people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

The worst part is stbxw has to be there and witness the pain and disappointment on kiddo’s face when we tell him. How could she be so selfish as to really want this. I mean how unhappy is she really. How could you allow your ‘pursuit of happiness’ (read riding the cock carousel) to totally destroy and hurt your own child. It’s like, how can’t she see the importance of having a family? Why was it so unimportant to her to even try to work on it? Though I suppose that it’s becoming more and more normal these days, I really don’t understand how you place so little value on your own family.

The affair partner continues to live their lives as if nothing happened. Yet the devastation to left behind spouse and kid is immensely traumatic. Both cheater and affair parnter are extremely selfish and this idea has me seething. I can’t stand her for what she did not just to me, but to our kid. He doesn’t get to grow up in a single parent household. He has already missed so much in the way of family trips and vacations. And it’s like, she doesn’t even care. And didn’t lift a finger to try and fix it. Yet she still wants me to cover for her in this story. She won’t take accountability and me not telling him seems to enable her selfish behavior. So I am conflicted as to whether tell him or not because on the other hand, it might make him bitter towards her.

This act of betrayal and selfishness are deal breakers for me. I mean I couldn’t take her back anyway based on the lack of trust and her commitment to ‘privacy’. I’m all about privacy, but if you’re secretive and break the trust, you lose that priveledge for a while anyway. It’s not like I want to be a damned detective. But without trust, a marriage is impossible. We could work to improve upon any other issue…. communication, sex, money, time, intimacy, and so forth, but without trust…..We have nothing.

Even falling out of love isn’t an excuse for an affair. She once told me when we were still somewhat communicating that she did it because she was “unhappy”. Like bruh, that’s not a good excuse. I’m thinking that she has no clue as to how this marriage thing is supposed to work. It’s like she wanted it serve her, but she wasn’t willing to reciprocate and water her side of the garden.

I am a hypocrite as I myself have stepped out. I could place the blame and say that she pushed me out. I was starved for intimacy, sex, and honestly, my self esteem was at rock bottom. I thought that hooking up with someone else would help me get over the pain. Unfortunately, it didn’t and I no longer hold the high ground. Blaming her is also very similar to Adam in the garden when he blamed Eve for giving him the fruit. I should have just gotten divorced a long time ago. I will say though, that in the beginning of when things first fell apart during her first affair, I did actually print out the papers. She didn’t even look over them with me or talk about. Looking back, It’s like this whole marriage, I’ve had to carry it on my back without any help. I feared that it would hurt kiddo, but I should have just manned up and did it.

I’m not by nature a cheater though. But I am starting to suspect that in order to make a woman happy, you have to cheat on her sometimes. Why do ‘bad men’ and douchebags get most of the women. Why are all the decent men either not picked or cheated on? I don’t know, maybe it just seems that way to me. My cousin thinks I’m damaged emotionally when I tell him my theories. Maybe he is right. I’m not saying that I’m going to cheat on the next girl or even my lover. I’m just saying that I am really toying with the idea.

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