The stbxw and I aren’t on speaking terms and yet it seems that she’s clueless as to why I’m so mad. Like, I’m just supposed to be cool with her cheating on me mulitple times, lying, betraying, and so forth. I don’t get how these people operate man. If I had intentionally and willingly betrayed someone, I would pretty much expect that they’d hate my guts. I wouldn’t try to be ‘friends’ with them, though I might test the temperature with them from time to time. I’d like to think that I’d apologize and show some real remorse, but if I didn’t, I would accept the fact that I burned that bridge down and it is what it is.
This is why I can only tolerate if we talk business or about kiddo, but not much else. We are not friends, so I don’t want to engage in small talk or chit chat with her. We’re doing pretty good with the no contact thing. I don’t have much to say to her these days anyway.
Being so secretive about her life anyway, I really don’t know much about her. I have discovered so many things about her through playing detective over the years that made me realize that I really don’t know her. Because she never tells me much, and I have to find it, I can conclude that she is great at lying (by omission), denying the facts, gaslighting, and hiding the truth. She’s also doesn’t feel bad about it and has an estranged relationship with it as well. I can only conclude that this is either her nature or either she has some real cognitive dissonance skills that are at master levels. It’s like she believes her own lies and that’s a pretty scary proposition.
They say that females love for their men to have a heir of mystery about them. As a man, I can say that I don’t like that shit from my significant other. Especially knowing that honesty isn’t one of her strongest virtues. Yeah, so while I do love her in a sense of ‘appreciating her for what she is.’ I am not in Love with her in the sense of loving her for ‘who’ she is….. though yet I know that marriage isn’t about that “in love” feeling.
I value honesty (to a reasonable degree), integrity(not saying that she has to be a saint), trust (I don’t have to KNOW EVERYTHING), and security(I have to believe that I can trust her). Physical Attraction is up there, but it’s more like icing on the cake. Put it this way, she doesn’t have to be supermodel drop dead gorgeous or even a 8 in looks. I could deal with an average looking woman as most average looking women …to me anyway have something beautiful about them.
The intangibles are what are most important to me. This is why I just can’t deal with her from a marriage tip. She’s secretive, a bad communicator, lacks integrity, and is super selfish. Her secretive nature and lack of depth could be a superficial thing to me if I could just trust her. Last night, I was thinking about forgiving her and giving her the time to figure it out. And how it would look. For the sake of our family. But I honestly don’t think she’s capable of changing.
If I am expecting to too much from her to be….ya know…. a decent person, then I’ll just have to deal with being wrong about that. She’s not. How could we build anything. How could I ever overcome her betrayal if she lacks the self awareness of knowing how bad she’d feel if someone did her the same way that she did me. She is incapable of understanding the gravity of her actions. If she lacks the empathy to do something like this to our family in the first place….what won’t she do?
I believe in forgiveness and all, but I also believe that those most deserving of it take personal accountability. The simple acknowledgement of what you did wrong is a beginning. But that’s just the beginning. Otherwise, I’d be complicit in enabling her in her bad behavior. She has done nothing to show me that she’s really sorry. It proves to me that she still doesn’t value our family, friendship, or marriage. She literally either can’t understand how serious this is or really doesn’t care. At least in the way that I do.
Relationship ‘coach’ (and i use the term loosely here) Kevin Samuels had a woman on his show who was talking about marriage and she asked him….”What, should I just be miserable in my marriage because I later realize that I settled.”….
It’s an interesting statement. From a selfish person’s perspective, it makes sense. If it’s ALL about you and and your feelings, then perhaps I can see an angle. I mean if your PRIMARY concern is happiness… then everything else is just a tool that you can pick up and put down regardless of how it affects others. In a way, it’s sort of a zen master kind of thing. I really don’t know what makes me happy, I really don’t think that most people actually KNOW what makes them happy….plus happiness is a fleeting emotion….but that’s another discussion.
My stbxw also asked me the same question once. “Should I just stay and be miserable.”
Kevin responded that marriage isn’t about happiness. It’s about duty. It’s about being an adult. It’s about responsibility. Especially when kids are involved. I agree with Kevin.
I responded to the stbxw, that the way she phrased the statement shows a self defeating attitude. How did she just KNOW that she was going to be miserable forever? How could she know that if we worked together that we couldn’t fix things and make life better for all of us. However, even if she decided to try to stay and “work on things”, with that attitude, it’s like she’d self sabotage everything because she already expected things to be miserable. It would also make me have to bend over backwards to try and prove that she’s wrong….and this after her brutal affair. My hands were pretty much tied, she would have to do a LOT to try and mend the bridge that she totally incinerated. I mean unprovoked scorched earth tactics.
Plus, miserable is a pretty strong statement. It’s as if she hasn’t seen the domestic abuse cases out there, the abject poverty out there, the violence and crime, and really how fucked up life is for a lot of people. The dating world is an actual fucking joke these days. If it weren’t so bad, she wouldn’t have so many family and friends complaining about it. We didn’t have it as nearly as bad AND many people would chop their arm off to have what we had. Great jobs, 2 cars, no history of abuse or infidelity (at the time), a supportive family, and an amazing kid, living in one of the safest and most diverse and well sought after suburbs close to a major and growing metropolitan city. Life was pretty freaking good if you asked me. It could have been,( I’ve seen and experienced) a HELL of a lot worse, and even my experiences are nothing compared to what a lot of people face on the daily.
I mean, she may have been ‘unhappy’, ‘dissastified’, ‘bored’, or any number of other things, but “miserable” in this environment….tells me that either she just isn’t paying attention to what’s out there or either she’s just a miserable person. She may have fallen out of love too…..ok. I could accept that. But not to brag, I’ve always stayed in pretty good shape and am a pretty decent looking guy. Plus I clean up even more nicely. Just saying. I always get that I look way younger than my age. I’m just saying, I’m not perfect. I could probably stand to make more money, be a bit more ambitious in these sense of “leveling up financially”. But imho, those are things that we could have worked on together. I already make a pretty decent average income. I’m not saying I’m the best lover in the world, but I’ve had some pretty amazing sex with women…enough to keep them coming back for more…..Just saying.
I think things would be much easier to accept if I felt like I was the asshole in this situation or if I had done something terribly wrong. I mean, do I really need to be the asshole “alpha” tyrant that she needs to have to complain about? Is it really all about the money? I wasn’t a pussy or pushover. I wasn’t like a simp simp when it came to her. I’m pretty easy going, but at the same time, I did say NO to things that I wasn’t trying to do. Often times, I’d say no, only to mull it over and come back a few days later to revisit it and say ok. I see what you mean, maybe we can compromise on this.
I’m not a perfect man, but I really do beleieve that I was a pretty good husband. The only reason she might complain about my ability to “provide” was because she made more money than me. But even still, I’ve offered to get part time work in order that she didn’t have to work as many hours. She has the higher earning potential because she chose to decide to be nurse practitioner (who might I add, I was there working full time, commuting an hour one way sometimes, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kiddo) while she studied and went to school.
Maybe I could have been more of a leader when it came to “the bills”, but she always gave me the impression that she was better at handling the money anyway. I didn’t mind offloading that to her. In retrospect though, she isn’t much better and is actually worse at it. Sad, because I kind of suck at it too. We could have figured that out though. That’s hard because her selfishness and the notion that (“my money is my money”) really made itself apparent. Ironically, if our salaries were reversed….i’m sure it would have been “our” money. Did it really require scorched earth tactics? Wouldn’t respect, empathy, compassion, and communication just have been easier….for both of us. Did I not at least deserve that first considering who I was to her and to our son. I’ve always tried to be understanding, reasonable, and fair and she has to know that. I have pretty much always tried to compromise with her despite not always agreeing. I let her know my boundaries. In retrospect, I may have compromised a bit too much, but I did it in good faith. Not just so she’d like me.
Either way, I feel justified in going for this divorce. Not that I really need to explain myself any further at this point. Yeah, I’m unhappy now, but that’s not the reason for this. It’s her lack of honesty, integrity, and transparency. It’s her selfishness and lack of communication. She’s acting like a child and that’s not fair to me nor kiddo. She doesn’t value our family, marriage, home, nor me. I can’t be the man of the house and live where my wife doesn’t respect me. I shouldn’t be sitting here begging her for respect. Though I may not have made the money she’d like, I still proved myself time and again at least of that of a faithful friend …that I am worthy of that respect.
But given the guy she betrayed me for, I’m wondering if her respect is even worth anything anyway.
For the record, this betrayal went further than just having sex with some random guy. The guy wanted domination over her and to prove it, he tested her by having attempt to humiliate me. It’s too embarrasing to even into too much detail on an anonymous blog post, but trust me, it was pretty brutal. I wanted to kill the guy. Thought about loading up “lunch” and going up there to see him a few times over that. It wasn’t even about her at that point, but it was about how he seemed to make it personal. Provoking me even. Not caring about the fact that I am a black father who is trying to do the right think by his family. Miss me with the black empowerment talk bruh. But it wouldn’t be worth it. I’d likely lose my freedom and my kid and his 4 kids would lose a “father” and his 3 baby mamas would lose out on their karma.
But it’s like she doesn’t even get how when she allowed that to happen, she also disrespected our son. Ya know, the kid who looks up to me …his father… more than anyone else in the world.
Truly, what value could a woman who is capable of doing this and being unable to reflect upon it even have?
She is quite literally the women that proverbs 5:6 warns us about:
“She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.”
It’s a fools errand to even want validation back from her. She cannot give it. It’s really not even in her to be able to give it. And in truth, she never had the power to take it in the first place if she was capable of this level of betrayal in the first place. Her true value for me was never in her looks nor her job. It was in what I thought was her heart. But I projected that heart on to her. I made a mistake. I gave her a heart that she doesn’t have. Probably never did. But I had the power to do that. And the only validation that I really needed was here with me the whole time.