This isn’t going to be easy

Stbxw came over last night to drop kiddo off.

I really wanted to not be there bcuz I knew that I wasn’t ready yet.

I don’t want to hate her. Logically I know that it’s over.   But forgiving someone who betrayed you is a hard thing to do.   I didn’t help that I decided to drink a bottle of wine before I walked in to the house.

I really tried to avoid her….even telling her that I didn’t want to talk.   And yet, as usual, she somehow got me to talking and abruptly shut down.

Understandable because who wants to keep hearing about how they fuxked up and hurt you.

Plus it doesn’t help that she thinks slower than I do.   Its like I know what she’s going to say before she says it.  

I noticed that  I interrupted her a few times when she was talking because I knew what she was about to say…she was like “let me finish, you don’t even know what I was going to say.”

My dumb as went ahead and said it and asked if I was right…..yeah.  I mean I was actually right, but it was wrong of me to not let her get it out.

It’s just frustrating to have to slow it down to talk to her.    But I guess equally as frustrating from her side to talk to a “know it all.”  

Part of forgiving has to come with slowing it down so that she can keep up without me being a dick about it.   The conversation was just painfully slow for me.    Its like knew what she is about to say and even why she said it and why I already disagree. 

  I understand why she sees things that way, but it’s like, if she also saw things my way….not thst she’s necessarily wrong for looking at it her way… but she could see things more wholistically and be able to understand why I’m saying what I’m saying.

I have to accept that she likes to keep things shallow and superficial.   I like to go deep….perhaps too deep sometimes.   She just isn’t a deep thinker by any stretch of the imagination.

It’s not about who is deeper or being right or wrong …it’s just about understanding.  She just doesn’t get me.  And truth be told, is probably incapable of doing so.   It’s like we operate on different frequencies. 

I don’t say this with arrogance though I know how it sounds.   But for real, her responses are quite predictable and I learn really more about myself than anything new about her when we speak.

She didn’t feel heard.   I tried to “date” a therapist chick once and despite “reading me” and pretty much accurately describing what I said, why I said it, and what I was probably going to say next….I didn’t want to hear it coming from her mouth.    I didn’t feel heard nor respected.    So I get it.

Yeah….I was an asshole last night.   I was really trying to hold it together….but this anger runs deep.   Maybe it was the alcohol, (note to self:  DO NOT DRINK AROUND HER)

She cannot give me closure….nor can she really do anything to help me get over it.     I know that I need time and space.    

I knew that I wasn’t ready, but I didnt realize HOW unprepared I was.  despite having a few weeks of minimal contact…its still feels so raw.   And though she did betray our marriage and friendship and we’ll never be friends again….

dunno, I know there are two sides to the story….but I really cant see what I did to deserve that.    But even if it were objectively possible to ascribe the complete degeneration of our “relationship” to her treatment of me….I still have to get over it.

I have to let it go.  

I’m the asshole bcuz I’m still hurt and angry at the way that she did me.   Funny how that works.   I have to forgive her and still kiss her ass in a way because we have to coparent.

I have to Just give her the floor  and let her talk…no matter how stupid, slow shallow,  obvious,  or short-sided it sounds.  I have to truly exercise patience and silence with this one. 

Her voice has to heard….no matter how stupid….ok short sighted her “reasoning” is.  I have to learn to stfu, let her say her stupid shit, and not add to, take from, disagree, ask for clarification,  or otherwise modify anything.

I still tbibk she’s slow, shallow, and superficial…..A black  stereotypical “blonde”.  I don’t know how I thought it was a good idea to actually marry her….but I didn’t really know know the way that i do now.

I have to stop expecting so much from her.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s