On occasion, I find myself binge listening to Neville Goddard, Rev. Ike, Claude Bristol, and a few other mid 20th century ‘self help’ gurus. They talk about manifestation and intentionally creating reality. A big aspect of this is using your subconscious beliefs in order to create your desired outcomes in life. I’ve written on this before. At the time, I feared that my hurt, bitterness, and anger against the stbxw would be too deeply ingrained into my subconscious and that if it were possible to use these thought techniques effectively, I’d have to really want her back.
This time away from her through no contact has made me realize that instead of using it to want her back or fix our marriage. I really should be using them in order to make sure that kiddo is ok. In this way, she and I can still get divorced and he will not be damaged by it.
Whenever I think about telling him, I assume….consciously and subconsiously that he’s going to be extremely hurt by the news. I didn’t even think about the possibility that he won’t be hurt by it. Now, if the theory/technique is correct, he will be extremely hurt because it is my expectation that he will be. However, if I can feel that the outcome of this will be acceptance, then the impact he feels may not be so bad.
He’s going to pick up on our energy. My energy was that of being still angry and bitter. I am healing and getting better. I’m still angry and bitter, but not as nearly to the degree that I was since she’s moved out. I have to be strong, confident, and firm and lead him by example. I can’t allow my subconscious emotions to leak out in my micro expressions and body language. I have to feel that this is the “right thing to do.”
It is the “right thing” to do in my estimation. STBXW must really wants to be out of this marriage and I’d be a damned fool to try to keep her here. Especially considering her lack of empathy and respect for (both of us) for real. I don’t care what she says, she disrespected kiddo by disrespecting me the way that she did. If a person disrespected my mother then I’m taking it as disrespect towards me and my family. How much more so if SHE allowed someone to do it to the person that her own child looks up to the most.
Maybe I could see if I actually did wicked things to her or him….but simply for the sexual gratification of another man….hell no ma’am. I can see that her loyalty is only to her. It’s not even to the other guy for real. Not in a real way anyway. Her primary principle is anything for “her happiness” in the moment. And if she feels that “her happiness” (even if temporary) must be obtained by sacrificing those closest to her, she’ll throw them right under the bus and not lose an ounce of sleep over it.
But even if she wanted to stay in the marriage. I can’t forgive her for everything that she did. She did those things intentionally. She stabbed me in the back and left me for dead. She saw my heart breaking, looked me right in my eyes, and did absolutely nothing but dig the knife in deeper and twist it. That bitch tried to kill me. But haha bitch. I survived. Lol. She fucked me up. But i survived and I’m getting better!!!
I let go of my anger and bitterness towards her for my own sake. I don’t regret loving her when I did. My intentions were pure I know that for sure. But she has let me know the kind of person she is….and she cannot be my wife.
Perhaps she was my karma for something/ a soul mate/ twin flame or something. Maybe it was some sort of lesson or trial that I had to go through. Maybe I had to break a generational curse. There is no way someone could cause this much pain and suffering to someone else without there have being some kind of cosmic bond. But either way, she did her job and now she can go fuck herself. I’ve had enough from her this lifetime and probably enough for the next 3 lifetimes. Fuck you and I CAN wait to see u again.
That said, it’s now the time to allow the logical and pragmatic part of this take over for kiddo. There is no room for uncontrolled emotions from me. Obviously I’m going to have to be sensitive to his emotions and calibrate the message in a way that will allow him understanding. He is a lot like me so maybe if i can just channel that 11 year old me and imagine how I would have talked to myself. about it.
This relationship is a dangerously toxic in that the symptoms aren’t as obvious. I guess it’s like having a disease that doens’t show any symptoms until it’s too late. I fear that me and stbxw’s secrecy in regards to everything is kind of like that. I was too codependent on her to help me make the decision. I see now that I have to take the lead. I can’t trust an unrepentant traitor anyway.