The beta male conundrum

     The manifestation of I AM….at this moment appears to be that of a beta ‘ish’ male.

That said…I am just now coming to realize that perhaps the only way to keep someone is to hurt them.

Trauma bonding seems to be the way these days .  U have to have it in you to  hurt those who love u to do that.   Otherwise they will hurt you…. Idk if I can?   Maybe I have a martyr complex or something.

Sure,  u can attract someone if you try enough (it is truly a numbers and persistence  game)…but to keep them interested seems to require that you MUST fill them with uncertainty while promising it in between the lines once you gain attraction.   Fake it till u make it BABY!!!the end goal is having THEM under YOUR spell… as opposed to other way around.   hook them by splashing in some covert emotional abuse….and U got them.    Sinister and wicked. Idk if it’s enough in me (personally) to do it….maybe I love love and organic truth too much?  I’m just not motivated to have someone that bad right now.  Rock with me or nah

Exhausting game for me…but whatever…I can only ride in my lane.  Either fighting the current or flowing with it.  Either option valid it seems sometimes.  …

I am really trying to get over stbxw….and the conclusion as why it’s been so damned hard is bcuz I must have been trauma bonded to her.  It’s so weird how that works….

Irl….I don’t necessarily need her to play the role of my wife.  She’s NOT fit for the part in this moment of my life anyway…and that’s ok…she is my son’s mother. 

Sure,  kids feel trauma after a divorce….it sucks for sure….but the ONLY thing I can do at this point is figure out the best way to end it without hurting him.

I have to let this shit go completely as not to subconsciously communicate the hurt I experienced from a her (ungraceful) exit out of this marriage.

She doesn’t “love” me like that anymore….fuck it….some females bail…she’s a runner, she’s a track star

And truly the best act of love that I ever could give her is to forgive….and let it go

I never wanted to possess her in the sense of love guilting her into honoring vows that ended up TOO hard for her to keep.

And just because she lacks the…foresight and empathy to understand the things the way (the ME in I ) sees it … I should not Judge her as I’ve been doing.  She is just doing “us’

My EGO (the ME) took things way too personally….as it was supposed to do. But In hindsight,  I was pretty unwise in marrying HER anyway…I see that now.

But the lesson must be to LOVE and let it go.  pain…ouch it hurts bad!!!  it’s  the price we pay. but perhaps it’s part of the process or cycle of karma… its the price u pay for that type of love

And if painting this picture of this incarnation of (the ME) version is using the strokes of (Jesus who loved us enough to die for us tho we weren’t “worthy) can be another color used to paint this canvas within the MIND/REALITY of the MOST HIGH…. then WE as indivual  manifestations  of MOST HIGH….continues to EVOLVE as WE do…

  my ego*(ME in I)…the devil in the details….attachment to something is causing the suffering and pain.  I was TOO attached as LOVE tends to make us humans do that.  My attachment to her  was evil to me though the love was always real….THE DEVIL …maybe love is a necessary responsibility and forgiveness is part of that….not saying we should be together in a marriage tho.

She is my karma….my soul mate….tho soul mates don’t necessarily have to be lovers or friends forever in this life.  She was there for reason and a season

So…irl on a even deeper level….I HAVE TO let it go.    Not bcuz she ‘deserves’ it or wicked karma…..but bcuz I do love her.    She is I….and she did give me kiddo….  a fair exchange pain and ALL!!!

And the DEVIL in me that seeks to kill and destroy is using my ego to harm me…..”I am” the devil in us as well and  that’s what it’s supposed to do.   He is also teaching me…the “hard way”…perhaps the best way this time…my karma…thank u stbxw for playing this role in my life…u bitch u lol…

Just vibe with it!!!and keep marching…I got this on lock!

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