Demonic Ties

And now there is this anxiety i am feeling about her. I know she isn’t happy with me and wants to move on. Hell I want her to move on. I want to move on. My mother in law says that we should pray for our ‘enemies’ every day. I’m not there yet. I don’t know why I am feeling so much anxiety about this. I don’t want her back. I’m not thinking she’s coming back. And even if she did, I don’t think that I could take her back. It wouldn’t be the same. Too much sex with too many other men. To many experiences. Too much water under the bridge. She’s not the same person. There is no love, trust, nor communication. I just couldn’t give her my heart. I’m trying to reclaim the rest that she took. There is no way in hell do I need to even be around her at this point.

This is the hard part of no contact. Even speaking to her for ‘formal’/’business’ matters seem to offer a bit of relief from the anxiety. I can actually feel a small bit of relief, even if the conversation is just about any mundane topic. People use ghosting and no contact as a means of ‘punishing’ others to come back to you. While effective. It really is….if you’re patient enough. this time should really be spent trying to break that emotional tie that you have with them. Distance, space, and no communication seem to be only remedy I can think of. Yeah, it sucks, but man it’s like being in rehab. Sure, you intellectually know that the drug is bad for you, but you want a hit, but you gotta go through the process. It ain’t easy, it doesn’t make you a weak person. Our tie is spiritual or chemical or something and my mind has to reset. I’m literally in rehab….lol

The last time I did this for a few weeks, I recall that I was actually nervous for her to come back from her travel assignment. I had made progress. I had hoped that her coming back wouldn’t reset me. And even though I didn’t feel much relief when she came back, I did experience a setback.

Hopefully after this stint in rehab, i can truly say….. “Yeah, you moved on. Good for you. Let’s get to the business of figuring out this, divorce and custody.”

Ideally, I won’t be affected emotionally, up or down, left or right. I will no longer experience anger, anxiety, hurt, disappointment, fear, or anything of the sort. Ideally, I’d just feel apathy for the way things went down. Like, I don’t want your lying cheating ass back either ya bitch you….lol, and that’s ok. Let’s be amicable, negotiate without any hard feelings and do what’s best for kiddo. Any anger or frustration or jokes shouldn’t come out of hurt or passive aggression. It’s more of a like truly healed and have moved on space.

As of now though, It’s like I can’t control it sometimes. Before I went through this, I thought it was just simple to just walk away from someone. I thought people were stupid for going back to someone who constantly hurt them. You would think that they’d be glad to be rid of someone who treated them like shit. Trauma bonds are a mother fucker.

I don’t want to secretly get back to her… i mean not consciously . But it’s like she has some kind of power over me and though it’s superficial at this point. I have to admit that deep deep down, a tiny part of my subconscious mind wants to hope that we could possibly fix things somehow. Again, it’s so strange because i really don’t think we are compatible nor good for each other when i really think about it. Our bond (outside of our son) isn’t really that deep. We are like amicable room mates who finally moved apart. I don’t even miss her like that, so it vexes me that i have so much anxiety over this.

With this, I know that nothing can be done, but it seems something is holding me back from just having that relief. That aaaaaah. That peace that comes with full acceptance or something. I call it getting my heart back. I shouldn’t be worried about what the fuck she has going on. I shouldn’t care if a mental image runs by my head that she’s out fucking someone. She’s already done it like a million times already. She’s already had whole relationships while in this marriage. Did sexual things to them she didn’t to with me. Told other men she loved them. Probably did. Called another man’s name out during sex. Talked shit about me. Lied about me. Been on dates and had new experiences with them. Made plans with them. Sent pictures I took of her and our son to them. She’s already done the worst as far as ego crushing stuff goes. You’d think i’d have gotten the hint already.

She don’t want me like that. She doesn’t care if it hurts me. She doesn’t care if I am humiliated. She doesn’t respect me. She really just doesn’t love me anymore….bottom line. And guess what though, she doesn’t owe me anything.

I gave her love freely and (mostly) unconditionally. The things I did for her I did BECAUSE I loved her, not as something to hold over her head. I suppose I could be bitter and say that she didn’t deserve it. But in reality, I did truly love her at the time and that’s what I do for people I love….’love them’. It wasn’t reciprocated in the end, and that’s ok. It just shows that she isn’t meant for me anymore. Wtf am i supposed to do, be mad forever? Ruminate over it? Expect remorse (i’ll hold my breath). Wait for karma (not sure if it actually works like that). Hope that she’ll feel bad about destroying our family unit. SHE DOESN’T CARE. It was more important to me than her. (different strokes for different folks). Who am i to judge?

I learned a lot of good lessons from it all and got an amazing son in the process. The last step is just letting it ALL GO. I am really just torturing myself needlessly by holding on to the anger, disappointment, and rejection. Again, me being hurt or angry doesn’t keep her up at night nor stops her from enjoying her life. If true remorse does come, it won’t be because I said or did anything. But in the end, it doesn’t matter whether she gets it or not. I just gotta heal me, use these life lessons, move forward, and get unstuck.

Meanwhile….rehab sucks eh?

The irony

   Got a chance to hang out with my lover yesterday.  While sitting outside, she was telling me about some guy that wanted to date her.

The in and out was how she was dissatisfied with his sexual performance and his body.   However, the guy seemed very interested in wanting to get to know her….even going so far as to learn about her local government officials and her graduate school basketball team.

   He seemed to be putting in a lot of effort to get to understand and impress her.   In addition to trashing his sex game and his enthusiasm to get with her…..she stated that he was “in love” with her….almost bragging that she broke his heart.

      I told her that I felt sorry for dude and I really didn’t want to hear much about him in a negative way.

       It really fucked with my mind because I couldn’t help but wonder what my stbxw said about me to her lovers.   Here it is, that guy (just like me),  doing the most to show his appreciation and though his “love” wasn’t reciprocated, she basically “shit” all over him.

        It didn’t stop me from fucking with her,  but it certainly has me looking at her in a different light.    Although (not saying I’m perfect either) I’ll still fuck with her on a sexual friendship tip….I don’t think a real relationship can come out of this.   If she can trash a guy with good intentions, then I really don’t see how I could ever really trust her not to do the same to me should we ever get in a real relationship and things go bad.

       Hearing about how I was better in bed didn’t boost my ego in the slightest.  I mean,  I’m good (imho),  but there is always better.    Plus, I generally look at many forms of flattery as a form of manipulation.  Women pretty much always tell you that you’re the best or one of the best.

       I wonder if the guys my stbxw trash me to get the ego boost or if they see this as a red flag the same way I do.  Although,  just like me,  a little slander ain’t gonna stop the show…..especially if she’s offering sex on a platter….I can’t help but wonder if they plan to take her seriously.    

   I also wonder if the roles were reversed,  if the other guy (in the case with my lover) would have had compassion for me.    Or would he have gotten an ego boost and added in to the slander as well.   Though I don’t know him like that,  he does seem to be a simp based on what she told me and I’m inclined to believe he’d really look down on me.   Either way, I still take little to no satisfaction from her comparisons.

For all I know,  she could just be trying to triangulate the both of us.  

     From all this,  I am learning a few things.  1) women can be evil as shit 2)some men truly are simps and naive.   3)Giving your heart to a woman is really a stupid thing to do, especially this day and age.  The world is a fucked up place for relationships right now.  

         Between this,  all the reddit posts and YouTube videos about cheating/unvirtuous women, and really trying to understand why the fuxk are  some men ok with helping a cheating wife destroy her family…..I am very jaded about (not just marriage)…but romantic relationships in general.

        People talk a good game.   They want love, yet they either run from it or basically shit on it once they have it.   It’s as if you can’t trust anyone these days with your heart. They feel as if they can fuck people over who love them and expect no karma. It’s like noone wants to get cheated on, but are ok with cheating.

Short term situationships are really the wave right now. Don’t expect anything. Just go an a few dates, text for a bit, have sex a few times and keep it moving. We are in a hookup era. We live in a time where being in love is detrimental and being emotionally unavailable, is sexy. It’s all a game. It’s all a joke. It’s like who can get who to fall in love the fastest so u can have the validation.

       I don’t want to fall in love,  tho I do desire it sometimes.    Idealistically though, I’d prefer a woman that I’m attracted to to be in love with me, but I have love for her, just not madly in love with her.   I want the power to simply walk away without much pain if she gets on the bullshit.

     A true connection scares the shit out of me.   Love hurts bad and people are reckless with your heart.    It seems to bring the absolute worst out of people.

  Am I toxic?  Am I truly jaded?  Are all women like this?  Are just the ones I’ve been dealing with like this… fact, if I think back…..pretty much all the women I’ve dated lately are pretty fucked up mentally.   

      One of my best friends told me the other day that he believes that infidelity is par for the course in marriage.    It’s one reason he doesn’t want to get married….though he himself appears to be “in love” with a college sweetheart.

      Then you have the married folks who seem (from outward appearances) to be doing right by each other.    That shit seems boring as hell and most don’t seem to be exactly happy with each other.  That lifestyle doesn’t seem too appealing.   

Looking back at my own marriage….before things fell apart.  Though I didn’t mind sacrificing for the family….it was boring.    Stbxw didn’t seem to put as much into keeping things spicy….sexually or otherwise.

           She didn’t work to try to keep me happy.  There were many times she rejected me for sex.   Too many.   Perhaps the mystery was gone and she knew that she had me.   And I also fell into the trap of putting her on a pedestal … doing the most and whatever in my power to keep her happy.  I was truly afraid of losing her (and our family).  

          Given the facts that she cheated multiple times and has no empathy for me, I don’t have it in me to try and “win” her back. 

  If she isn’t happy nor wants to try to find happiness with me,  then I don’t want her to be here.  

   And even if I managed to “win” her back through improving my financial status or personality….I still couldn’t respect the fact that she betrayed and ultimately abandoned our family.  Especially knowing the importance of a nuclear family and her not even trying to save it.

I wish I could just let her go and just forget about her completely.   Just like all my previous relationships, I just would like to move on and never look back.    I wouldn’t care about karma or revenge.  

        Yet our son is the love of my heart.  I’d do almost anything for him.   It puts me in a awkward position of having to be affiliated with her and being unable to fully get away.  It’s like I have to be forever reminded of the way she fucked me over….and if she does find “happiness” I have to witness it knowing that she stepped all over me and our family to get it.

  As we speak I’m implementing no/minimal contact with her. Funny how it’s so hard for me right now. I don’t know why. I don’t really have anything to say to her. I dont miss her like that. I have no clue as to why she’s on my mind. I’m pretty sure that she isnt thinking about me and is probably love-bombing the fuck out of someone right now. It’s her life….dunno why I give a damn.

She won that get him to fall in love battle. She had me wide open. Now even after all the lies, deceit, and selfishness, I’m still sitting here…..hurt and skiddish about walking away.

I’m slowly getting my heart back though. I do feel MUCH better than I did a year ago. But shit how much longer will it take before she isn’t on my mind ANYMORE.

Unsent letter to stbxw

   Yeah,  just came home and thinking about everything.   My body and mind was hurt.  Still is.   It wants get back.   It wants revenge.   It wants u to feel remorse for hurting it.
   Just my karma that you just cannot… least in a way that’s satisfying to my personal ego….ever fix. 
 And truth be told, even if … u eventually came around…  fate has chosen that it’s my destiny to experience and learn from this hurt.
The truth is…I am selfish…
Perhaps I deserved all of this.
I don’t want you back, nor can I honestly say that we should be together. 

wishing I was more or less me, but I can’t honestly say which….the genuine connection just isn’t there! Though in my heart I wish that soul-mates were created and not found.

That love could have saved us…but perhaps I was wrong. Maybe it wasnt even love…just fear of not being worthy enough.

Perhaps u were here to teach me this painful lesson.  I am humbled…and perhaps will continue to be so 
But as I am learning….on this rocky road of LIFE….I am hopeful that all of this pain will temper me to be better.
I still have much to learn.
Lately I have had these moments of drunken clarity .
How can I love u when I don’t know how to love myself?  How could YOU love me in this case? 
So I forgive….tho I suspect that forgiveness isn’t the lesson nor the path out of this…..
Emotional pain is just a guide, but not necessarily the path either.

Just wishing to stop the pain, but again, u cannot stop it no matter what. Lies or honesty….I honestly don’t know…nor can see the way back….my knees hurt from praying….my heart too jaded to desire THIS…. and my ego too damaged to accept it any longer.

I dunno what lies ahead in the future. 
But as they say… when times get heavy,  don’t pray for relief….but pray for stronger shoulders. 
I am weak and weary, but my back is strong…AMEN   

Do YOU!!!( as if u weren’t already)…its my burden to bear…. until it isn’t

I’m just looking forward to the day that I can have the wisdom of understanding and forgiveness….the days of peace

This letter is spun from my damaged ego. Miraculously( and quite telling tbh) u will never see it….

As for me… a soldier at war (against the devil within)…I keep marching forward

The art of letting go

Today I watched a video about losing. More specifically, about how sometimes, narcissists who do you wrong get away with it. I don’t know if STBXW is an actual covert narcissist. I mean, she didn’t show much empathy for me or our family when she walked away. I mean, especially the way she did it. She does exhibit quite a few of the characteristics, But, I’m no clinical psychologist. It would make sense to explain her behavior in certain ways. But that’s not really the point.

The point is that sometimes, people get away with it and there’s not much you can do about it. We expect justice in some form or another, usually through karma or just overcoming and prevailing. But (according to the video), our minds have been conditioned through movies, books, and stories to believe they get their cummupence. In real life, people get away with shit like that all the time. Very often, there isn’t a come to Jesus moment or some epic downfall when they fuck you over. This was an aha moment for me.

Also, if she is indeed a narc, I shouldn’t expect her to suddenly wake up one day and see the importance of working on our family unit as a priority. Or to suddenly understand the impact of years of this abuse has had on me. I shouldn’t seek, nor expect justice, but simply DO THE WORK on healing myself and ACCEPT it for what it is. She can’t / won’t change. She probably sees no reason to….Not enough to do it anyway and even if she did, she can’t fix me.

As I’ve always said, the truth is that if she’s capable of doing it, then there is no reason to think that she’ll ever regret it.

In a way, it’s disheartening. But at the same time, it’s empowering. It helps in just letting it go.

As a kid, I played soccer and made it all the way to the finals, just to lose. I guess we worked about as hard as any other team, but that particular year, we just had it going for us. It SUCKED. We cried. We were HURT.

Another year, My parents also made participate in a male pageant where we had to wear suits sort of like how the girls had to wear dresses. Unsurprisingly, as a 5 year old boy, I didn’t want to but was quite surprised when I kept making it to the next round. As the final came closer and closer, I became more invested like….shoot, I could actually win this thing!!!

I ended up in second place. Many people thought I should have one according to my parents (of course), but we lived in a somewhat racist town in the 80’s. “Whatever” i thought to that. Maybe or maybe not, but however I remember the disappointment. Injustice or not.

I learned that life just happens and you have to move on. You get over it.

The main thing I got from the video was that seeking or hoping for justice is a way to keep you emotionally attached to the situation. Karma may or may not come, but the measure by which i hope for it occupies precious emotional space in my mind.

If I were to have held on to those losses or possible injustices, hoping that they’d get resolved, it would have caused way more mental anguish than necessary. I mean, I could use it as fuel or anguish to do better next time. But do I really even want revenge? Is it even all that serious?

She rejected me. Sure, she did it a really fucked up way. But in a way, it is further proof that she isn’t really worth it. So, by me holding on this rejection….and her already showing that she doesn’t give a fuck indicates that I’m the only one hurt by this whole situation. I forgive myself for the pain i felt. I should have been hurt considering what was on the line. But in the end, I run the risk of losing way more than my family unit if I hold on to this anger.

I have the opportunity to regain my mental sanity, by just accepting that injustices (by definition, people get away with it) happen sometimes, learn from my mistakes, and move on.

By not expecting or worrying or hoping for karma, I am hoping that it takes me to the next level of healing. My ego was damaged badly, but again,I do still have my son.

Besides, even though I didn’t meet her standards. I can say that she didn’t meet mine either. I expected better character from a person i was married to and had a family with. I thought we shared certain family values. It was my ignorant(possibly projected) view of her character that caused me to err. I was mistaken.

I hoped for someone to love me in a deeper way. Like in the way I loved her back. I saw our marriage as something sacred. She was my closest person. I gave my all to her. It was ride or die with me. This is how I view marriage. I still do. True love, not just infatuation. Through the fights, the ups and downs, the disagreements, ebbs and flows, difficulties, times of ease, good times and bad….. We should always have each other’s back and would never betray or sell out the other out.

We were supposed to call each other out on our bullshit and have open honest and sincere communication with each other. We were supposed to have each others’ best interests in heart in all of our decisions. It was sometimes duty, but something to be proud of. There was obligation and responsibility to always care for the family. I know as a man, it was my job to protect. But it’s her responsibility to hold it down on her end as well.

We were family….you don’t betray your own (unless in extreme cases).

In the end, this isn’t a position for a selfish person. At least to me anyway. And the fact that she could do this unremorsefully without trying to fix it lets me know that I made a mistake in choosing her. It’s on me to own up to that.

She is who she is. and it has nothing to do with me. Even if she blames my ‘lack of ambition’ for her “unhappiness”, instead of addressing it, she chose to cheat and have another affair. She is the type who feels justified in an affair if things don’t go her way. She’s ok with breaking up her own family unit to be with an affair partner who already has multiple baby mama’s already. She’s ok with trying cheating with and even googling how to break up that “unhappy” guy from living with one of his children’s mother. Secrecy, disloyalty, treachery and the willingness to step on whomever it takes to get what she wants is a part of our history. It’s just in her. She’s selfish and it’s her nature to put her wants above the needs of those who depend on her. She’s a runner and not a stand up person. And she is ok with it.

KNOWING THIS, How could I expect remorse from her?

If this is indicative of her character, then why expect change? Would karma really make her regret it in a real way? Would her crawling back to me, begging me to come back really change the way that I feel about her now? Probably not. Even if she has / can fool others (I mean she fooled the hell out of me), I KNOW WHAT SHE DID AND HOW SHE DID IT!!! even if they get the g rated version or an outright lie from her.

It’s enough for me to say No ma’am. I’ll pass. So, even if she gets away with it…..SHE has to live with knowing that she did this. If it never bothers her, then it shows me the type of person she truly is and though it is sad for kiddo, i was actually blessed by no longer having to be bound to this type of person. Only God knows what she’s dealing with in there. Who knows what kind of psychological issues/ forces are at play in her mind. Maybe it was her upbringing? Is she possessed by a jezebel spirit or something? Is she a covert narcissist? Or is it just that she’s unhappy and deals with personal issues in a selfish way.

Shit, I got my own issues to deal with and this is beyond the scope of what I can do.

Maybe, this is why i was harboring so many feelings. I wanted her to have remorse and I was waiting for karma. It’s very likely that the former won’t happen. And it’s also likely that the latter won’t happen in an ego satisfactory way. This revelation is beneficial.


By letting go, accepting that she broke my heart (shit happens), she did me dirty (character issues), and she may not have remorse or see repercussions(it be like that sometimes), it would be more hurtful to me than her to hold on to this bitterness. I took a risk and this happened. Sucks, but shit happens sometimes.

She doesn’t give a fuck either way so I might as well just let it go and do what I gotta do(gracefully bow out)….not out of revenge but simply because it needs to be done.

Radical Acceptance

The truth of the matter is that I didn’t do my job as a man in so far as leading our family. Although I did at the time do what I thought was sufficient, there were indeed areas of improvement that in retrospect may have led to the dillusionment of my STBXW.

I could have been more ambitious as far as finding a house for us. I could have been more ambitious in trying to be a better provider. I did pedestalize her too much. I could have been thoughtful enough to take her on more trips. I could have been a better financial planner. Instead of making life happen, I sort of allowed it to happen. And we were stagnant and not moving forward. I failed to plan for the future so I failed to provide a vision or things to hope and strive for. Being without a lot of savings and investments already, we were not secure for our retirement. I wasn’t playing an active role in trying to make that happen.

Perhaps I deserved to be left. I didn’t do what I needed to do to handle those important areas in life. I always thought that love was enough. That if I somehow showed my competence in other areas such as support, love, faithfulness, and helping around the house, it would be enough.

But I didn’t know about the other just as important intangibles. Giving hope and insipiration by being the example in providing those things. I had no plans. I had no goals. No real dreams or ambitions. I had few ideas here and there that I never followed up on or gave up on. I had no purpose.

Over the last few months, I’ve realized that these things are important.

We were truly stagnant, stuck, in one place simply spinning our wheels, going nowhere. No destination, just simply floating out at sea at the mercy of the wind. In all reality I cannot really blame her for no longer wanting this. The illusion of survival and having a family together did bring me such happiness. It was a nice raft though. But with that happiness came complacency. I have heard that complacency is an unattractive trait for men to have. Boredom creeps in and here we are day to day, with nothing to look forward to.

I have learned that ambition, grit, goals vision, and action are all key to being a man in today’s modern landscape. Modern times and circumstances have afforded us the luxury of not having to ‘get it out the mud’ so to speak in order to survive. However, with this comes the responsibility of figuring out “what’s next.” Life cannot simply be about surviving for today.

That striving to reach the ‘next level’ wasn’t supplanted in me as a youth. God has His reasons. I picked up many bad habits and ideas along the way. I cannot blame God, society, my upbringing, nor my wife for the predicament that I currently find myself in though. As a man, I do know that no matter what comes, you have to adjust.

It may be too late to save my family. Though this lesson was tough and needed, getting past the betrayal of my stbxw is something that I cannot get over. I can’t even say if she would have supported me or not as I never really gave her anything to support. I never gave her anything to believe in. I wish she would have just left without cheating though.

I know that I need to improve the aforementioned areas in my life. If I’m honest, it’s another reason I don’t want a relationship right now. Until I can lead myself, then how can I expect someone to follow me?

Hopefully this admission can help me get over the bitterness of it all. It’s really my fault.

But the hard part is wondering WHY? Why don’t I really want anything? Why am I so content? What’s with the complacency? I know that wanting something is the first step to getting it. But i have no clue what I want. A large house, luxury cars, wealth, and all the usual things people strive for don’t really seem to be motivation enough. I haven’t really found a cause to champion enough to just be doing it.

The motivation for material would really be motivated by wanting a woman…and one who loves and respects me. However this comes with the caveat that she’d only want me because of what I have. With that being the case, then this thing called ‘love’ is conditional. If it is conditional, then there really is no need for faithfulness in the first place.

Unconditional love from a romantic partner is a myth. A fairy tale. The best we can hope for is attraction and chemistry.

Perhaps ambition and wanting to have things is a key indicator of something important. Perhaps it’s part of the bigger picture. I’m thinking that I was disillusioned by wealth because it had been presented as a thing that is superficial. But in reality, looks are superficial, yet important to attraction. I work my ass off in the gym because of the way people look at me. It’s not important, yet it makes me feel good and is motivation to keep working hard. I should see wealth in the same way. Ultimately, it’s not important, but it is a great tool to get that superficial validation that’s important to the ego.

Dreams, goals, ambition, and vision are also important. Though not as high on the heirarchy as health, there are tons of unhappy yet healthy people out there. Though insignificant in the scheme of things, it is important for the here and now. Which is happen to be where I find myself here and now.

I can’t afford to desire my wife back. Perhaps she just isn’t the one for me. I have to give up this anger and bitterness. Maybe this was a wake up call. God spanked my ass. Maybe it took such drastic measures for me to get to this point. The best case scenario would be to have her wanting to come back….not out of guilt. Not out of remorse even, actually it would be nice for her to feel my pain if I’m honest. But because I made myself more attractive. I became the person she thought I was going to be.

Not to say that I’d take her back, but the only way I’d feel good about this situation is if I made something out of myself. How satisfying would it be to make her play the pick me game for a change.

Maybe I’m supposed to have several wives. Multiple women who truly “love”me even if it is for superficial reasons. I don’t plan of giving my heart any but just saying. But before I can get to that point of realizing that audacious reality, I must secure myself financially. I must secure myself physically and mentally. This must be done before I even consider a relationship.

A purpose, dreams, ambition, goals, action and results is the ultimate high. Alcohol and drugs only provide a superficial boost. It’s not real and fleeting. I must put in the work as I have in the gym. No distractions. No games. I really can’t afford dating or sex right now. I gotta get on track. Only monk mode. I must give up on comfort for now. Distractions are all around me. But I must resist. How can I maintain this motivation though?

I’ve found myself watching a lot of videos in the past few days about covert narcissists. I know that narcissism is a term that’s kind of thrown around when people don’t act the way that you expect them to. While stbxw does display a lot of the characteristics. I am also aware of my shortcomings as a husband. It’s sort of a bittersweet revelation.

In retrospect though, the relationship was lacking in the depth of connection that I should have felt for someone I was so “in love” with. I dunno, i guess that I was expecting a deeper connection. But the reality is that I was projecting something that wasn’t there. It’s kind of hard to explain. It seemed to lack real substance. Like empty calories or something. I’m not sure how it seemed that way at the time. Maybe I was just too “in love” with her at the to see it.

We are so different about a few fundamental things. I thought that they were superficial and not so important.

A few examples.

My stance on phone privacy is that your s/o should be able to have access to the phone, email, and social media accounts at all times. It’s not to say that they should check them all the time. But those type of secrets just don’t sit well with me. Trust does and should work both ways, if she can trust me with her secrets, then why is the phone a secret? If you don’t have anything to hide, then you don’t hide anything. If she has to question me about a strange text that comes in or whatever….if I’m not hiding anything, then it should be easily explainable if there is a question about it. I was raised to believe that trust and honesty were keystones in a relationship. If i didn’t suspect her of anything, then I’d really have no reason to go through her phone. Same as me. I never had a problem with her going through my phone and knowing my passcodes. I didn’t have anything to hide. On the flip side, perhaps attraction is maintained by keeping a tiny bit of mystery in the relationship. Plus it’s a bit flattering imho if she does go through it OCASSIONALLY, just to let me know that she is a little possessive. But apparently, A LOT of people feel like that the phone is an invasion of privacy so I didn’t trip too hard. So it wasn’t a deal breaker at the time. Granted it should have become one because I did find inappropriate texts between her and her “best friend”(later turned one of her affair partners) early on in the marriage.

Small things matter. I really like sharing small gestures and making meaning of common things. For example, something as simple as walking to the store together sometimes (even though we both have vehicles) could be a time to connect. Just going to the park and hiking. Kick the soccer ball sometimes. Throw a damned frisbee or something while there instead of just being on the damned phone. She was a real girl’s girl. Dunno, I like women who might wrestle with me sometimes and be more physical. Not a deal breaker, but I like a bit of athleticism. She never could. Never wanted to mess up her hair. And she “hated bugs”, “heat”, “most things outside” and so forth. I’m somewhat athletic, but then again, she is a woman, so I couldn’t really expect that she’d like outdoors like that. Again, at the time, not a deal breaker.

Girls like to have fun. I know this. But her type of fun was more bougie. Like the stuff you’d see women do on the housewives of ATL or basketball wives. She liked traveling (really vacationing). Going on Sunday brunches. Claiming she’s a “foodie” when in real life, she didn’t act like one. Going to spas or wanting to go to the lastest thing that everyone else was doing. She liked using popular slang … over and over again. She liked watching all the stuff that black pop culture was in to without questioning it. I personally question things and tend to be critical of ‘trends’. I’ve learned over time not be so critical, but I’m not much of a follower in that regard. Nothing wrong with that, at the time, not a deal breaker.

She didn’t like drinking with me. Sure, I know that sounds superficial. But I like a chick who can drink with me sometimes. When she did drink, she’d just go to sleep. Perhaps she couldn’t handle her liquor. Not a deal breaker, but, i have heard that couples who party together and drink together tend to bond better.

She was secretive about the money. She made more money than me. I didn’t think it was a big deal since I do make a decent amount and always contributed to half of the bills. It was only recently that I discovered that MOST women have a real problem with that. It wasn’t like we lived in poverty and it isn’t like she is really all that amibitious as far as having a side hustles or jobs. She just so happened to choose nursing as a major. I’m not discounting the effort she put in, but I know people who work way harder who make less than than her. Her job just so happens to pay a lot. Again, I’m not mad at that and I know she works pretty hard. Still though. If I made the most money, I’d split the bills based on what percentage of the income we brought in or I’d pay for everything and use her check to invest. She didn’t like that idea. And if I’m honest, i was a bit insecure about the fact that she did bring in the most money so I didn’t push her as hard, but this was mostly because whenever I asked how much she made, she never gave me a straight answer. I should have been more forceful in that. But at the time, it wasn’t a deal breaker. Perhaps she expected me to catch up to her someday. If she voiced that concern before cheating then perhaps I may have gotten off my ass and tried to “level up” faster.

She was selfish. It seemed that she didn’t mind doing things as long as it wasn’t a huge inconvenience for her. Or as long as it was something she wanted to do anyway. She was motivated by self. She never seemed to want to do things I wanted just to make me happy sometimes. I’m not suggesting that she always drop everything for me. But way more often than not, she’d decline any invitation to participate in something I wanted to do just for my sake. In the end, this included sex. We’d only have sex when she wanted it. I always wanted it, so like a damned fool, I was ready to hop on it when offered. In my mind, I wouldn’t turn my s/o down for sex too often because 1)i knew that it might hurt her esteem and 2)i wouldn’t want her even thinking about getting it from someone else and 3)it keeps you connected. It’s like oral sex….this might be a bit graphic….but just saying. Some people do it because it’s expected and they want to play the role. Some do it because they just feel freaky in the moment. Some do it because of those, plus it has the added incentive of making you realize that you’re pleasing your partner even more. She did for the former two and not the latter. She did in the beginning, but i guess once the thrill was gone AND she knew she had me, so was her motivation. At the time, I just figured,” hey, I married her so we’ll work on that. It’s not breaking my family up over.” So again, at the time, not a deal breaker.

Honest communication. I like to talk about our issues so we can figure out how to fix them. While I do believe that tact is important, I do believe that it is important to let your s/o know what the issue is. I told her on many occasions about my issues with her. I did let them slide. She (especially in the end) doesn’t seem to value honest communication. I prefer a hard truth to a soft lie. She prefers to lie and keep things secret. I figured that she was ok with everything as she didn’t complain much about anything, so at the time, I figured that us NOT arguing or fighting was a good thing. In retrospect, i didn’t see that not being passionate could be a deal breaker.

Us against the world? To me, once you’re married, your spouse takes precedence over anyone else. Former friends and even family relationships come second. I’m not a jealous guy, but I am a man and I did see that her “best friend” didn’t seem to respect our boundaries. This was due to the inappropriate texts I found with the “i love you’s” in them. Maybe one I love you is acceptable. But it got to the point of several I love you’s within a few weeks. Not to mention that by the time I saw them, the conversations were a bit disjointed suggesting that she had deleted a few. I couldn’t forbid her from speaking to him, but I told her that i wasn’t comfortable with that relationship. She insisted that they remain friends. Years later, after finding out that they had indeed slept together after the texting incident (confirming my suspiciouns about the guy), she insisted that they remain friends. OK This is a deal breaker.

Cheating is a dealbreaker. No point in rehashing this point. Especially when there is no remorse for multiple offenses.

Because of the last two, especially the cheating/affair parts. I’ve come to realize that all of those things, though not dealbreakers, were huge red flags directing me towards this outcome. Her lack of transparency, selfishness, different understanding of ‘loyalty’, and lack of empathy isn’t something that I can deal with in a healthy manner. I probably shouldn’t say that “she’s for the streets” as I don’t know, maybe she’d be different (or even right) for someone else. But one thing for sure, she isn’t right for me.

Maybe I just haven’t found anyone who just “does it” for me yet. Out of fear that soulmates just don’t exist, I was willing to settle in order to keep my family together. I was hoping that someday, she’d compromise or that we’d somehow pull it together, if not for us, but for our family. But i just don’t see her trying to compromise. I don’t see how this could be fixed. Lack of loyalty, empathy, family first mentality, communication, and selfishness are a lot of things to overcome. Not to mention the trauma from multiple affairs and betrayals that occurred in them have really fucked with me mentally. Especially when it comes to the way I interpret anything she says.

As hard as it is to have to step out on faith and hope that our family will be ok. I have to get over the possibility that she’ll find someone to take her on and that I might remain single forever. (Which tbh, may not be a terrible thing). And that she might indeed find happiness even though she unnecessarily crushed my heart, humiliated me, and destroyed our family on the way there. Dunno perhaps it’s just my ego that wants justice. Why should I care? I’m still alive ….right? She didn’t kill nor maime me physically. She hasn’t taken my freedom of liberty. Yeah, it sucks to get treated like this, but hey, it is waht it is….right? I’m not the only person this has happened to and some people do bounce back. Kiddo has to be fine, other kids have gone through worse and came out on the other side.

We can’t hold our breaths waiting for her to take accountability or have remorse for this. Even if she doesn’t, it won’t fix anything. We have to soldier on and learn from this.

Staying Strong

Man. I know that I need to disengage. I know that I can’t and don’t trust her. I know that she’s by definition “for the streets”. I have no idea how after all this time, her hooks are still in me. It’s not like I want her back. It’s so strange. Yet something, it’s almost like a craving or something wants me to reach out and talk to her. I really can’t explain it at all. How could I really have any sort of desire for someone who treated and disrespected me so bad? I mean my thoughts about her are never positive.

Love is a drug. But this isn’t love, it’s chemicals. Toxic and addictive. It’s spiritual. It’s like a demon or something. She’s like a succubus energized off my life spirit.

This is a spiritual battle yet I can feel it in my physical somehow. The pain, anxiety….desire for temporary relief. It’s like quitting a drug or something. Whatever that “love”/attachment” drug is, it’s not fun when thrill is gone. Rehab is an annoying but not impossible bitch to overcome.

I was healing so well the first time she left those few months on her travel assignment a few months ago. I feared her coming back. Perhaps this was why. I relapsed somehow even though things never really got back to a good place. I really need time and distance. No contact is a must right now.

I texted today to make sure she made it safely. But from here on out….no more talking. No contact. Only business. This chick is bad news. Fortunately for me, I have time and distance. I can deal with the spirtual/mental/emotional….whatever the fuck it is discomfort. I’ve been here at this place so many times. It’s probably easier for her as she has so many distractions. Other sources of energy. As fucked up as it sounds, it’s probably working in my favor as she won’t really be trying to talk to me like that. She has so many others to feed off of for now. Perhaps my energy won’t be missed enough for her to notice until I’m stronger. Woe to the next man who succumbs to her spell. Here is my chance to get free. That chick is dangerous man.

The way these things work though… soon as I’m breaking my addiction, she’ll be trying to call and wonder what’s up. I’ll bet she’ll be able to feel it somehow. But shit, I know the deal. I have to reclaim my power and inner spirit. I can’t let her drain it. I must protect it by all means from her. Stay strong. No contact is the way.

It’s not an easy road, but I’ve done this before…..and it should be easier. I know what I’m facing this time.

Loss of Honor and Respect

I came to the realization this morning of how much this marriage has cost me in my self respect. This whole time, I was so concerned about hurting kiddo that I didn’t think about how steep the price was. As I lay in bed last night next to the stbxw, I felt angry for some reason. I thought about the dirty texts she sent to all those guys. The admission of another physical affair in one of them. The guys telling her to work on the marriage. The lies she told them. The good morning texts. The exchanges that occurred with me and kiddo in earshot while we were sitting around the living room . The pictures of kiddo that she sent to them. The “I love you’s”. The plans they made. The sympathy texts received for the passing of one of her close family members. (That I sacrificed my whole weekend to drive her to). All of that.

I understood why upon first discovery, I wasn’t so mad nor surprised, but this night had me fuming. I couldn’t sleep. Then today, her last day before her 7 month travel assignment, I felt a bit sad that she was leaving. I think that deep down I really did hope that she’d show some remorse or sympathy before she left. I called her, unable to explain a weird feeling that I had. So we talked about it. Actually, it was a venting session. As usual I did most of the talking.

Then I suddenly realized that she had cheated ON ME first. She LIED. I did so much for her. I thought about how she said that she didn’t respect me. Then I realized that she shouldn’t respect me. I wasn’t respecting myself. In order to keep the home from becoming toxic and exposing her to our son (as not to damage their relationship)….I allowed her to stay in the home. I didn’t argue when I suspected that she was texting someone else. I didn’t require her to give me her phone for reassurance. I sat there and took it like a bitch.

I know I made my mistakes in the marriage too, but I was not deserving of that level of blatant disrespect. It all came together. The sudden relapse into selective muteness. The constant anxiety I felt in my stomach and chest. The drinking. I was thinking that since I was out doing my own dirt that perhaps this somehow made up for it all. But in reality, that was a band aid to cover up the internal issues that I wasn’t facing.

I basically allowed her to shit on me for almost 5 years straight. And i sat there and took it. Sure I bitched and complained whenever we had time alone. BUT I DID NOTHING!!! I created this monster.


This is not how any self respecting person should act. I would have taken a bullet for either of them. It was my job to protect them. But giving my life and self respect are two different things. I shouldn’t have even been put in the position to choose between saving my family unit or sacrificing self respect in the first damned place!!! Then to not even get a thank you. Or any sign of remorse. Only more bullshit.

This is not an example of how any man should act. I am setting a horrible example for kiddo. My only son to live by. I don’t care if his own mother blatantly disrespects him as a man. He should never tolerate it. Not from me, not from ANYONE!!! In fact, she disrespected him by disrespecting me to these other men. I am his FATHER for fucks sake. I am disrespecting him by taking this shit.

I am so ashamed as I type this. It took me 5 gotdamned years to realize this!!! I cannot be surprised that she doesn’t respect me at this point. She has been saying with her actions way before saying it with her mouth. Here I was, thinking I was some gotdamned hero or something. As if I were noble in the cause of taking all this shit and doing absolutely nothing but complain. Trying to save her relationship with kiddo like captain save a ho or something. I have always bailed her out. Only for her to use me as some fucking back up plan or safety net. If the relationship with Kiddo was that important, she could have behaved way differently. If this sword is so important for her to carry, then she should fall on it. She needs to take accountability. The fact is, I am enabling her to fuck me over and treat me like this. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I was hiding the truth from him and this is something that I am totally against. Hell we told him that santa wasn’t real every since he knew what christmas was. Man. I’m feeling sick to my stomach right now thinking back. Why was it so gotdamned important to have a family unit anyway? The vows mean absolutely NOTHING to her. I am all for sticking out a marriage and working on it. I really meant them when I said it. I burned all my boats behind me when I said them. But bruh. This ain’t it. I don’t know why it’s so fucking hard. Why am I torturing myself? I will always be there for kiddo. In the end, this toxic relationship can’t be healthy for him. Avoiding the truth cannot be healthy and nothing good can come of this. I wasted 5 years of my fucking life dealing with this bullshit. Lying. Living a fucking lie!!!

If I cannot love myself, then how in the fuck could I expect her to love me. It’s clear now. It mean it was obvious before. But gotdamned, it’s been right in front of my face the whole time.

For the love of…

       Speaking to my stbxw earlier made me realize that some people’s view of Love is just completely different from mine.   I don’t know if men feel the same way, but hers isn’t atypical of a lot of women on the internet who leave their husbands.     Her primary complaint is that she’s unhappy and honestly doesn’t respect me due to my “lack of ambition.”   When asked WHY if she felt that way, didn’t she say anything or try to inspire or motivate me, she repied…..”Noone motivates me to do anything.” 

         What can I say?  I mean, it isn’t like I’m a lazy bum or anything.   I’ve always worked a decent paying job.  Always brought home a paycheck.   Been there for her and kiddo whenever they needed anything, never abused her, never cheated (well not until her second affair), kept in shape,  and supported her in whatever her dreams or ambitions were….  And yet I’m unworthy of respect?    Who fixed things around the house when they were broken….and figured out the logistics of making things happen?  I did.  

       Who gave her solid advice when she needed it in her personal matters.   I did.   I’ve never stolen from her, taken advantage of the fact that she made more money.   In fact yielded to the fact that we pay 50/50 despite it meant that she kept more of the household income for herself.   It isn’t even like she splurged her extra money on me.  I didn’t ask her to, but in retrospect should have taken it as a red flag.    I took on a part time job in addition to my regular job and still managed to help around the house.   In fact, despite working a similar number of hours (sometimes more) per week, I still did the majority of cooking, cleaning, and raising kiddo.   

      How could she have completed her degree if it wasn’t for me holding it down while she studied?   … And yet, I’m not worthy of RESPECT?   I could see if she says that she lost attraction.   Perhaps attraction is EVERYTHING  to her.   Maybe attraction IS love to her.    But that’s a topic for another blog post. 

     From my perspective.   It is I who (finally) lost respect for her.   She didn’t hold me down.   She was in this marriage for HER benefit alone.   Proven by the fact that instead of doing what was necessary to try and at least advise me that she was unhappy for x,y,z reason, she just bailed.   She broke up our family instead of at least TRYING to fix it.   She is willing to completely walk away and destroy our home without first attempting to save it.   And yet I am the one who’s not worthy of ‘respect’.

        SHE cheated, had multiple affairs, and disrespected her own son’s father…her HUSBAND. … for the sexual gratification of another man’s ego.   Yet I’m the one who shouldn’t be respected.   She is the one who lies, cheats, gaslights, and there are so many other sins against our family….yet she has the audacity to say that I don’t deserve respect.    She broke the trust and our vows with lies and deceit….and yet I am unworthy of basic respect.

           I know that there are two sides to every story, but God help me I am recanting this story as objectively as possible based on the facts and conversations that we have had.  

         I did something that I told myself I wouldn’t do anymore and checked her phone.    It’s worse than I thought.   She is entertaining several men now.   Had sex with a few.   Even started back communicating with both of her affair partners. and an ex boyfriend.    I didn’t let her know that I know.   She seems to throw herself at them…. inviting sexual conversation through sexual innuendos and memes.    She told some new guy that she loves him after 3 months of texting (an possibly hooking up once or twice), told another she wanted to suck his dick…..then told another how much she misses him.  Yet another sent a meme about how she was sitting next day after anal sex. She always told me that she wan’t into it. Neither was I, but it goes to show that this chick does not really have a mind of her own. It’s like she’ll do anything to get someone to like her. Whatever any one of them is into, she is suddenly all about it. She was like that with me. Perhaps this is what they mean by narcs love bombing and being a chameleon. She appears to be a sweet person, but it’s all smoke and mirrors. In fact, when the bible talks about being cautious of the adulturous woman’s lips being sweet as honey and smooth as oil. It really is on point. She truly embodies that based on the texts I’ve seen.

         There seems to be a certain “cognitive dissonance” going on in her head.    I know that there certainly is in mine.   I want to believe (despite all that I’ve experienced and typed) that she’s somehow a good/decent person.   Ironically, some of these men who actually know about me have asked why she doesn’t try to work on things and her response is that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she’s only here for our kid.   Some have even suggested that she try to work on things for the family and yet she insists that she doesn’t want to.    Unsurprisingly (to her character), she tells me that she’s on the fence about things.   Despite them probably fucking her, I can’t help but wonder if they pity me on some level thinking to themselves (damn dude you are married to her?)   She even has suggested how much she “loves” at least three of them.  Apparently, they are ALL easy to talk to….lol    

       It really pisses me off that she sends theses guys pictures of her and kiddo.    I mean seriously why are your you sending these men pictures of our son.    Sure, he’s a handsome kid, but still .   Even worse, these are pics that I took and sent to her at her request.   Talk about disrespectful.

        Yes, she is definitely for the streets as they say.   And ironically, I don’t think that she really knows it.    She really thinks that she is good/decent woman.    She is still pretty (external looks wise)….and although I personally wouldn’t fuck with a married woman….period.    I understand how some men would entertain her for sex.    Especially if she’s basically offering it up on a platter.    I do wonder if any of these guys take her seriously as far as wanting to wife/cuff her.    I mean, seriously, if she is saying these things to them  through text, and considering some of the things she says to me about her (justification)…. who knows in what ways she puts her foot in her mouth as an indictment of her “for the streets” status.

        I really think she is simple minded in certain ways.   Manipulative for sure.   But it’s sort of like watching a person who “thinks” they are smart commit sloppy crimes.   Like, I seriously wonder, wtf in going on in there?  I can’t wrap my head around how she has no conscious.   I mean, I do what I do and sure it’s wrong, but I feel that I do have justification in that 1)she keeps cheating and 2) our sexless marriage is due to her.     Though now, I don’t even want to touch her like that.     I do get horny sometimes (especially if she’s walking around naked), but now that I know the extent of what she does, making love, kissing, and so forth is completely out of the question.    Yeah, don’t judge me, I try to refrain from masturbation as a practice.   And like you haven’t seen a porn star or stripper you’d fuck though not want to wife up or make love to.

           Either way, her lack of loyalty selfishness,, deceitful nature, lack of empathy, laziness when it comes to cooking and cleaning, and tbh selfish/bad to average sex (when I did get it) all outweigh her looks when it comes to wifey.   I would almost pity any man who is foolish enough to actually fall in love with her.   Any man who can’t peep game is either a blue pill simp, being seriously deceived, or just plain ignorant of this type of woman.    

        I am in recovery.      I am glad that I now know the truth or at least more truth about her actions.   I can’t say that I’m hurt anymore.   I’m not really surprised.   In fact, I’m a bit relieved.  It is helping me recover to see more about the “truth” of who she really is.    I am damaged though I must admit.   I can’t see myself falling in love again…  I just can’t see myself wanting to marry anyone.  

I want sex without being attached too much.    I don’t want a woman who can just out the blue decide that she wants out of a committed relationship.  Especially if I didn’t do anything wrong.     Obviously I’ll have to let her go.   But the lesson of “she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.” has been burned into my mind.   Perhaps she killed the idea of a pure innocent reciprocated true love for me.   Perhaps this was my “wake up kid, Santa aint real” moment.

           But does this make me toxic now?   I mean I wonder how honest or faithful…..can I be t this point….. It truly seems that truly loving a woman with your heart is a recipe for losing her.    Yet, if she is sincere, I don’t want to damage her either.       I can’t bring over this hurt to any future relationships.    Yeah, I need to reset and recalibrate.  

I also have to admit my faults in this as well.

     I lacked prudence and leadership.   I allowed the fact that she made more money than me cause me to compromise what I know to be right as far how we handle the household income.   This prevented us from really planning our future.    I lacked confidence to take the lead as far a securing a house (as I never know how much we could really afford).   I gave her too much authority. I treated her as more of a partner than a wife.   I didn’t fight too hard when it came to privacy when it comes to cell phones.   I allowed her to cross too many boundaries without properly checking her and putting consequences in place.   I should have been able to walk away while she respected me if she didn’t compromise.   I should have fought harder for transparency.    I compromised way too much.    I didn’t hold her accountable for her mistakes as I should have.    I allowed to love of our family unit and commitment to our vows to override my self respect.   I put her happiness above my principles.    I didn’t act as a MAN.  I allowed this feminist propaganda to turn me into a beta male mindset.   I didn’t stand on my own 10 and make it my way or the highway.   

     It’s sort of hard to do when the only consequence I could impose is breaking up the family though.   It isn’t like I had the power to beat her ass when she got out of line.    She made the most money, so I couldn’t take a “lifestyle” away from her.    5 years of game is a long time to keep a chick, so I aint really mad at myself for that.   But I acted/compromised out of fear of losing my family and ironically, it seems that all of this acting has finally manifested in ways I never thought would happen.  

     Confidence truly is key.    Or at least that’s my take away.   I can’t say if we failed due to her selfishness or my lack of confidence.   Perhaps it was a combination of both.   Either way, it seems that things are beyond the scope of fixing.    I know that confidence is key,  but I really don’t think that I want this anymore.   She’s tainted.   She can’t be trusted.   Had she been more honest, real, inspirational, loving, selfless and I lost her then I would feel worse about it.   Perhaps I would be motivated to BE better for her.   I’ll do better for me for sure and hopefully be a better example for kiddo….    But damn man.   I can’t, for her when she is truly for the streets.      It sucks to lose your family unit.