And now there is this anxiety i am feeling about her. I know she isn’t happy with me and wants to move on. Hell I want her to move on. I want to move on. My mother in law says that we should pray for our ‘enemies’ every day. I’m not there yet. I don’t know why I am feeling so much anxiety about this. I don’t want her back. I’m not thinking she’s coming back. And even if she did, I don’t think that I could take her back. It wouldn’t be the same. Too much sex with too many other men. To many experiences. Too much water under the bridge. She’s not the same person. There is no love, trust, nor communication. I just couldn’t give her my heart. I’m trying to reclaim the rest that she took. There is no way in hell do I need to even be around her at this point.
This is the hard part of no contact. Even speaking to her for ‘formal’/’business’ matters seem to offer a bit of relief from the anxiety. I can actually feel a small bit of relief, even if the conversation is just about any mundane topic. People use ghosting and no contact as a means of ‘punishing’ others to come back to you. While effective. It really is….if you’re patient enough. this time should really be spent trying to break that emotional tie that you have with them. Distance, space, and no communication seem to be only remedy I can think of. Yeah, it sucks, but man it’s like being in rehab. Sure, you intellectually know that the drug is bad for you, but you want a hit, but you gotta go through the process. It ain’t easy, it doesn’t make you a weak person. Our tie is spiritual or chemical or something and my mind has to reset. I’m literally in rehab….lol
The last time I did this for a few weeks, I recall that I was actually nervous for her to come back from her travel assignment. I had made progress. I had hoped that her coming back wouldn’t reset me. And even though I didn’t feel much relief when she came back, I did experience a setback.
Hopefully after this stint in rehab, i can truly say….. “Yeah, you moved on. Good for you. Let’s get to the business of figuring out this, divorce and custody.”
Ideally, I won’t be affected emotionally, up or down, left or right. I will no longer experience anger, anxiety, hurt, disappointment, fear, or anything of the sort. Ideally, I’d just feel apathy for the way things went down. Like, I don’t want your lying cheating ass back either ya bitch you….lol, and that’s ok. Let’s be amicable, negotiate without any hard feelings and do what’s best for kiddo. Any anger or frustration or jokes shouldn’t come out of hurt or passive aggression. It’s more of a like truly healed and have moved on space.
As of now though, It’s like I can’t control it sometimes. Before I went through this, I thought it was just simple to just walk away from someone. I thought people were stupid for going back to someone who constantly hurt them. You would think that they’d be glad to be rid of someone who treated them like shit. Trauma bonds are a mother fucker.
I don’t want to secretly get back to her… i mean not consciously . But it’s like she has some kind of power over me and though it’s superficial at this point. I have to admit that deep deep down, a tiny part of my subconscious mind wants to hope that we could possibly fix things somehow. Again, it’s so strange because i really don’t think we are compatible nor good for each other when i really think about it. Our bond (outside of our son) isn’t really that deep. We are like amicable room mates who finally moved apart. I don’t even miss her like that, so it vexes me that i have so much anxiety over this.
With this, I know that nothing can be done, but it seems something is holding me back from just having that relief. That aaaaaah. That peace that comes with full acceptance or something. I call it getting my heart back. I shouldn’t be worried about what the fuck she has going on. I shouldn’t care if a mental image runs by my head that she’s out fucking someone. She’s already done it like a million times already. She’s already had whole relationships while in this marriage. Did sexual things to them she didn’t to with me. Told other men she loved them. Probably did. Called another man’s name out during sex. Talked shit about me. Lied about me. Been on dates and had new experiences with them. Made plans with them. Sent pictures I took of her and our son to them. She’s already done the worst as far as ego crushing stuff goes. You’d think i’d have gotten the hint already.
She don’t want me like that. She doesn’t care if it hurts me. She doesn’t care if I am humiliated. She doesn’t respect me. She really just doesn’t love me anymore….bottom line. And guess what though, she doesn’t owe me anything.
I gave her love freely and (mostly) unconditionally. The things I did for her I did BECAUSE I loved her, not as something to hold over her head. I suppose I could be bitter and say that she didn’t deserve it. But in reality, I did truly love her at the time and that’s what I do for people I love….’love them’. It wasn’t reciprocated in the end, and that’s ok. It just shows that she isn’t meant for me anymore. Wtf am i supposed to do, be mad forever? Ruminate over it? Expect remorse (i’ll hold my breath). Wait for karma (not sure if it actually works like that). Hope that she’ll feel bad about destroying our family unit. SHE DOESN’T CARE. It was more important to me than her. (different strokes for different folks). Who am i to judge?
I learned a lot of good lessons from it all and got an amazing son in the process. The last step is just letting it ALL GO. I am really just torturing myself needlessly by holding on to the anger, disappointment, and rejection. Again, me being hurt or angry doesn’t keep her up at night nor stops her from enjoying her life. If true remorse does come, it won’t be because I said or did anything. But in the end, it doesn’t matter whether she gets it or not. I just gotta heal me, use these life lessons, move forward, and get unstuck.
Meanwhile….rehab sucks eh?