It’s back. Dunno. I guess sitting here alone has me feeling a certain way. I’m soon to be a part of the divorced middle aged guy club. I guess there are worse things to be. I can’t help but be angry about it all. But i take a bit of comfort knowing that there are guys who went through way worse.
I don’t know why I feel so bad. Or why this even sucks. Really, if this energy just wants to use me right now, then I hope it’s for a reason. No point in fighting it. I mean, shit, it’s me doing this to myself. Her spell is weakening, but I fell into another trap. I discovered that her email is still signed into the internet browser at home. This also means that her photos ocassionally get uploaded to the cloud when she connects her phone to wifi.
Enter Mr. Stalker, looking to see what he can see see see. I really need to sign out of it. I saw some shit a few days ago. But at this point it doesn’t matter. She actually told me that it was still signed in so that I could fill out our tax returns using the verisign on the pc since it wasn’t working on her iphone. I knew that it was still logged in, but I wasn’t looking at it. I didn’t want to.
When she asked me to, I REALLY DID NOT want to do it. In fact, I told her at first that I didn’t want to. She asked why and I was like because I just didn’t. She responded that there was nothing in there to see anyway….but she doesn’t know that her pictures do get uploaded every so often.
I KNEW it would turn me into a stalking monster. I knew that once i opened it up once. I’d be fucked. But we needed it done since it was the last day of tax season. So at first, I just signed the document. But could I just leave it alone…..HELL NO. I just had to open the gotdam photos. Since then, I’ve been checking that shit every day. And every time i do it, I feel like a damned junkie.
Yeah, it’s too tempting. I need to sign out of it. Fuck it. I rationalize that if she decides to take some course of legal action, at least I can be ahead of it. But it’s not worth the feeling of feeling like a pathetic loser because I cannot control my snooping nose. Yeah, I’mma have to cut this off. It’s not healthy and mostly uncondusive towards my healing.
DONE!!! Logged out of that bitch. It was like trying to quit smoking with a pack of cigarettes right next to the bed post. I’ve seen all that I need to see. I’ve been done that. Seriously, what kind of masochist am I. I need to love myself more and stop worrying about it. Do I really need to see a sex pic or something before I’ve had enough. I’ve seen the sexual texts back and forth. I’ve seen the I love you’s. And now I saw that she went out to cali with some dude last weekend. Followed by a text telling her lastest affair partner about how ‘horny’ she is once she got back.
In a way, it makes me less and less attracted. Sex is OFF the table for sure. It would have been a bad idea anyway. But knowing that she’s giving it up like that is further confirmation….should she ever decide to try that shit with me. Doubtful, but according to the research, i gotta be careful about a possible hoover move.
Either way, I’m thinking that I’ve been leaking psychic energy despite going mostly (only 1 email and a few texts about kiddo and the bills) no contact since tax day. Oh and that stupid tarot reading thing. But otherwise for real none.
The psychic energy comes from the fact that now, my youtube recommendation list has her zodiac readings popping up and I’ve been watching them to see what her cards hold. Stupid, I know. But gotdamn, I must be in a pretty dark place even though I’d like to think that i’m doing better.
I’ve stopped looking at her zodiac tarot readings over the last day or so and after seeing one of mine about us possibly getting back together (it fucked me up and set me back a little). Though I’m still Not wanting to get back, it did add a little oxygen to that last subconscious dying ember of hope that I need snuffed out. Needless to say, I’m stopping that shit too even though I will say that some of these people are pretty accurate about what’s gong on with me. Or at least I’m interpreting it that way. But fuck all of that. It’s NOT HELPING. In certain ways, subtly making things worse psychologically.
Bruh, that’s the devil setting traps. No more though, she’s NOT getting any more free psychic energy from me. NO EASY OUTS.