I just wanted to record this strange feeling for later. I’m just sitting here, minding my business, getting some work done and then boom suddenly…..Anxiety/pain. I was ok with everything this morning. In a forgiving space. Healing. Wasn’t worried about her like that anyway…. If she did cross my mind, the feeling was neutral. Almost full acceptance of our new norm. No thoughts of playing games, just staying my course and mindful of the things I’ve been learning over the past few weeks. I’m trying to forgive, place boundaries so i can heal, and continue to figure out where to go on from here without her.

Then suddenly a thought crossed my mind or something and the pain started trickling back in. Not sure what triggered it.

Maybe i should just stop resisting it and just feel it.

It’s so weird to have your feelings and thoughts on different pages. But i can say that it feels & seems right to think that is part of the process. I knew that there would be dips and that I’m still on the roller coaster.

It does feel like I am close to the end of the ride. Like how when you’re riding a coaster, the first and middle parts are scary, but when you get to the end, there aren’t as many loops or drops. And the ones that remain aren’t bad compared to what went before.

Yeah, I am healing. I’m getting better and accepting of things. Just because I’d never take her back, doesn’t mean that we can’t be cordial. She just aint right for me for a lot of reasons. A lot of women aren’t right for me for a lot of reasons. She now falls into that category. Probably never was but I just couldn’t see it at the time. Or maybe she was for that moment. Who knows.

This kind of gives a whole new perspective to the idea of the cock carousel these females be riding on.

For me, with her, it was a pussy roller coaster. The ride looked like a good time, but i can’t front, it was a motherfucker. I wasn’t ready (in my kevin heart voice)

The lesson here is…… have fun, but “keep yo heart 3 stacks keep your heart”

Always keep your heart. Infatuation and sex is one thing, that’s hard enough to break, but won’t necessarily break your psyche.

But falling in love?……fuck that. You really don’t give a fuck about yourself if you give someone that much power over you. You must be a real self hating psychopath to want that shit. But I guess you never know until you try. However, I guess it’s not something I could just tell someone to avoid. They’d have to feel it for themsleves to understand.

I just don’t get how people put themselves through that shit over and over though. Do you really want another motherfucker that you can’t control….who could be lying to you, or simply might change their minds later, having you stuck on them while they have freed themselves of you? Fuck that.

Then again, it ain’t like I’m a 10 or something where women come out the woodworks to find me. It also seems like I’m too damn old to be trying to ‘play the field’ so to speak. But I do like sex and intimacy, just not the expectations or attachments. I also don’t like having sex with people who are actively having sex with others.

I don’t want a relationship ship. But a relation ish ship. I mean if most relationships (and marriages these days if I’m honest) are temporary car rentals anyway. Or most likely to be so. Then why put all that pressure to stay committed. I prefer honesty over comitment anyway. If you’re tempted to do …. do you. Just let me know. I might be hurt, but nothings gonna stop a person from doing what the fuck they want to do anway. A relationship isn’t gonna stop a cheater from cheating. And if she gets to the point where she wants to fuck someone else, then she’s pretty much tired of me anyway. Let’s not make it too complicated. Just be real and we’ll see where we go from there. I’m not a relationship guy.