Killing Hope

In most difficult things in life, we are often taught that we must cling to hope. That we should never snuff out the flame. It would seem that it’s a fragile thing that we must be mindful of for fear of extinguishing it. In the case of dealing with unrequited love and trying to let go, that fragile thing is actually a quite persistent little bugger. It seems that, for whatever reason, that little spark just wouldn’t go out. No matter how much you stomp on it, douse it with water, or neglect it, it just won’t go away easily.

I’m thinking that it is the tiny thing that has kept me miserable all of this time. It is subconscious. I think the hope was deep deep down and the more I tried to ignore it, the more it seemed to glow. I believe that I had the hope that someday, the stbxw would wake up and look at what she’s done/doing and was throwing away. And turn around and work with me. Either to restore our family or at the very least restore our friendship. That somehow, we could fix this. Or perhaps divine intervention would deus ex machina this bitch and save the day miraculously.

I’ve come to realize that hope is another thing that prevented me from fully letting go. Last night, I was reading a website chumplady.com or something like that which is basically a website dedicated to ‘jilted’ ex spouses. Many people are going through this and the overwhelming conclusion is that once pandora’s box has been opened, It cannot be closed. Many people have been ‘stuck’, like I have been, for a loong time. Many even longer than me.

Of the many articles that resonated with me, one in particular seems to be the next key in getting over it. This idea that hope needs to be nailed to a post and forgotten about.

The thing is that these people do NOT change save some life altering come to Jesus moment that completely changes them. Very few (statistically 0 for all case in purposes) come to this moment. Even if it does hit them, more than than not still don’t alter their actions. It’s built into them and they just cannot change.

Our marriage has run its course and I must state this in no uncertain terms.

Hope must be completely be eliminated from the equation. Other people have reported that their s/o’s / spouses/ ex spouses MAY have come back temporarily, but it statistically never works out as there is almost always some hidden agenda…..the new person didn’t work out as they thought…..or they want to continue the affair part, but want the stability of home life.

These stories help reconfirm what I already believe. If a person is willing to hurt and disregard you to that degree in the first place, they can and given the opportunity will do it again. It was never love to begin with.

Hope for that person to change back into who you thought they were in the first place is futile. They never loved you like that. Or either they are incapable of loving deeper. The most you could hope for is temporary infatuation. If possible to rekindle that momentarily, it’s only temporary. We could never have the deeper level of MUTUAL love, trust, and RESPECT that I’d want from a WIFE. It’s just not in her. Even the fear of her moving on and finding someone new doesn’t really bother me too much right now. If she was capable of simply walking away from our FAMILY….THE WAY SHE DID IT indicates to me that any LOVE she’ll ever be able to give is fake, temporary, selfish, and opportunistic.

I know that she is capable of lovebombing the shit out of people she’s interested in. So if they do fall for it (especially if she tells them the truth) and they actually give her their heart…..it’s their karma. Scripture even warns men about the ‘adulturous woman’. Sure it is a metaphor, but still, there is much practicality to the But even if she lies and misrepresents the truth, it’s a relationship built on lies and deceit and it’s bound to fail.

Proverbs 5

3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; 4 but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. 6 She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. 7 Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. 8 Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, 9 lest you lose your honor to others and your dignity to one who is cruel, 10 lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich the house of another. 11 At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. 12 You will say, “How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! 13 I would not obey my teachers or turn my ear to my instructors. 14 And I was soon in serious trouble in the assembly of God’s people.” 15 Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. 

Wow!!!! All i can say is wow. It sounds like a lovebombing, monkey branching, NARC to me…..i’m not saying that I’m a saint either but this does indicate a clear warning…..Just saying. If the first part of this passage describes her so well, then it’s not unreasonable to think that the second part would apply to anyone who actually falls for her. I wouldn’t consider myself a christian in a conventional sense, but I’ve always felt that there is LOT of wisdom that can be taken form the bible….especially in the book of Proverbs.

Even though this is all logical. Logic goes out of the window when it comes to matters of the ‘heart’. Hope however is a matter of the heart so it seems pretty reasonable to kill all hope in order to get over it. I feel good now, very accepting of things.

So as of now, I have acquired two useful tools to help me fight this internal battle. 1)letting go of ideas of justice and karma for her and 2)letting go of hope of any sort of reconciliation. My only hope for the future is peace without her and that we (me and kiddo) will recover from this. My focus / meditation/ vision / dream is that we will have a great and successful life without her. Better yet, she’s just background noise as I do want her to have some involvement in his life.

I’m good for now, but I can’t forget that this is a roller coaster. Ups and downs. Who the fuck knows when the next dip will be. I can’t wait to get off this ride though.

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