Sometimes I wonder if someday in the future, when I ever look back over these posts for the last few years…if I’ll say to myself how fucked up my thinking was.
Am I toxic for believing that falling in love is a curse. Or that the potential juice isn’t worth the squeeze.
I folded and texted her a video about some stupid tarot reading that seemed to resonate with me and relate to us.
Idk….but as soon as I hit send….I realized that this was a huge mistake. Truth be told, I knew it was a mistake before I sent it. The cognitive dissonance on my behalf was due to the fact that it said that someone (presumably her 1st affair partner) was using voodoo or black magic in order to destroy our relationship and he had been using it the whole time during our so called reconciliation. It said that it made her stay on the fence about things. It said that it caused her to miss out on an opportunity or lose a job….she did suddenly and inexplicably (let her tell it) lose her job (an essential worker job at that) without any warning
It said that this magic caused her to be infatuated and forget her values and so forth. That he loved her and wanted to isolate her and she should be very careful. That he already had children, but also wanted to get her pregnant….true and true… coincidence???
Ok. Got damned….stupid I know. Dude is Haitian, granted. He is a douche (narc as the card reader said)….confirmed by my biased ass opinion and objectively for dealing with a married woman….plus the other bullshit he asked her to do against me to “prove her love/loyalty” and/or either for an ego boost. And she seemed to change A LOT since running into him.
But to think he would be some brujah or worker in dark arts is a huge stretch . Sure, its possible. But come on. At the end of the day….come on.
Even if were true….bruh…i don’t want to deal with this shit. If she wouldn’t have cheated in the 1st place….plus man fuck that. ” I immediately sent never mind. Disregard that, just a stupid tarot reading that could apply to anyone.”
She tried to strike up a conversation, but I left it on read. No respond.
In the scheme of things I guess it’s ok. No contact was broken, but ….if i think about it….it doesn’t matter. Not to say I’m going to make it a habit. I fucked up for sure. But I’m not doing no contact to make a point, nor to get her back….but to get over it.
So it doesn’t matter if the effect of breaking no contact gives her more self confidence or validation to walk away….it doesn’t/shouldn’t affect me. My goal is to break this spell/hold that she has over me. Its not to get her back.
I did fuck up tho. And that is proof positive that I still have work to do.
In the far far future, maybe I won’t see romantic “love” as a curse, but as of now. Going thru this….desiring to let go (even though I’m really over it) but seriously struggling to do so…. you can’t convince me otherwise.
Meanwhile….back to the grind