Why is this so hard

Got damned. I don’t want her back!!!What f man? Why am I still in pain? What is this feeling about?

What am I holding on to and why is it so hard to let go? Day….whatever i lost count of No contact….i wouldn’t think i’d be in so much pain. It’s not like i really want to talk to her.

Seriously, there is NOTHING to go back to. If it takes me praying for her to be happy then I may have to swallow my pride and do so…..(give it a minute, before that happens) if she finds happiness with someone else, it wasn’t because I prayed for it. I’ll leave that up to God, fate, karma, the universe, or chance. Ya know. Whatever happens just happens, I just want internal peace.

I’m tired of feeling this way and I’d do almost anything to NOT FEEL THIS ANYMORE.

She fucked me over and I’m feeling bad about her leaving? What kind of ish is THAT? Why am I not ecstatic or at least relieved about the fact that she’s gone?

How much more self reflection and forgiveness do I need to do?

I really don’t love her like that. Not enough to take her back if she asked and definitely not enough to fight for her.

If I cannot make her happy, why should I care if someone else can? She’s not making me happy nor even cared to try. And since I obviously didn’t, then maybe that isn’t the right job for me.

She’s living her best life with no concerns about me and yet here I am in pain…..I don’t need her validation nor apology. I’ve accepted the fact that she’ll never feel bad about leaving. Spouses and families get left every day.

I’m not some special snowflake and I know this. Shit happens to the best of us. And yet rationally knowing all of this….believing it….accepting it…

Why in the hell am I feeling terrible about it … as if I 1)wanted to do something about it and 2)could do anything.

Like, she’s not worth it to me. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me back. I don’t want to hold her hostage in a place she doesn’t want to be. I don’t want her here out or guilt or obligation. Not to mention all the dicks that’s been in her mouth, ass, and wherever else dudes want them. I could never see her as mine again. I could never kiss or make love to her. She’s disgusting to me now. I don’t even want her sleeping in my bed if I’m honest. It would be like MAKING LOVE to a prostitute. Ugh.

I’m losing a disloyal, disrespectful, unempathetic, morally corrupt, selfish, secretive, shallow shell of a person. I should be on cloud 10 at the prospect that she actually WANTS to leave. It should be making things so much easier for me.

I can’t do this love shit man. It’s too much. My mind and body need to be in sync. This makes absolutely NO sense. Nobody is worth this sort of suffering. It would be too HARD to get past if she wanted to stay….so why the am I feeling like shit if she wants to leave?

What an absolutely curious mind fuck.

Oh yeah, I forgot…..This is Rehab. My brain needs to reset. The spiritual connection between us is severing. I am fulfilling my karmic duty. It’s supposed to suck.

I can’t believe that there are people out there still wanting to be in love. They can have that shit. Let me love from a distance. I’ll show love, but never fall again. I’ll be fair, true, and mostly honest. I wouldn’t put someone else through this. But as far as being ‘in love like that’ … hell to no. That shit ain’t love. It’s a drug or something. It’s crack cooked by Satan himself.

Stay strong me. We got this.

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