Growing Pains

I was reading the comments under a youtube video about ‘no contact’ earlier today and thought to myself…..”what a bunch of pathetic losers.”….wait, that sounds like me.

Ok, I’m not as bad as most of these people. They actually want their ex’s back. I mean like in a desperate way. This particular video was titled, what if they don’t contact you back during no contact. Or something like that. The answer is obvious that they’re either seeing someone else or have entirely moved on. Or maybe both. One person was no contact for about a year and was asking for advice. I’m like bruh….they’re not going to call you back. Another was saying that he gave it 6 months and is now desperate. Another guy said that he went no contact for 3 months and the girl ended up telling him to never call her again.

This is what you risk in infatuation. It really sucks and is quite pathetic to be infatuated with someone who doesn’t share the same sentiment. This video is helping because it further inspires me to get over the last little hump of completely freeing myself. It was like looking at an old photo and seeing how fat you were. It’s motivation to keep working out and to never go back there again.

I loved her way too much. She’s not even really that special if I’m honest. In fact, quite ordinary. Par for the course as far as women go. Sure, she’s pretty, but that’s fairly common around here and really a stupid and superficial reason to fall head over heels for someone.

I really don’t know what made me just give my heart to her like that. Well actually, we had great chemistry. Or so I thought. We used to be able to talk/text for hours in the day and then stay on the phone all night. It was like we never ran out of anything to say. (in fact, now that I think about it, it’s her m/o thinking now that i recall some of the text conversations she had with the people she cheated with). I used to wonder what in the fuck her and her affair partner could be talking about all the damned time. Duh. She makes it easy for people she likes. This woman is a man eater. She is a chameleon and will mirror back to you what you give her. She makes you feel a real connection. I remember thinking that she used to ask a lot of questions about whatever topic I brought up. Yeah, pretty, not argumentative, not outwardly materialistic and a good listener…. but also sneaky, secretive, and disloyal. LOL Good luck world.

Either way, I was still pretty damned stupid and blue pilled. There was no way in HELL I should have married her at the time.

Even worse, I lacked vision, direction, and purpose as a man. I still do somewhat, though I’m working on it right now. I do know now that you can’t be in a serious relationship without one. I had no clue what it was to be a real man and husband. I think I had a few ideas. But I was, and still am for the most part, a free spirit. Things don’t bother me as much as they probably should.

It’s endearing but not suitable for serious and lasting relationships. Shit i’m just learning a lot of this stuff. It was inevitable for this thing to fall apart without guidance and advice from elders. Not just the superficial bullshit you always hear. Counseling was pretty much a joke. I didn’t understand really how to maintain my frame. I just was blindly and stupidly in love. I was more concerned about making her happy than me. I “put that woman first” as the blue pilled simps and black feminists and r&b songs preached. I feared walking away. I made her my world.

Wow!!! I’ve learned a lot since then. Especially in the last 4 years or so. The redpill community has opened my eyes to a lot of things. The lust / infatuation I had for her was just not healthy and to be honest, looking back at some of the ways I behaved and handled myself, I’m pretty surprised she actually married me. She always made more money and it wasn’t like I was exactly an alpha. I boxed, did martial arts, and had one foot in and out the streets. I read and studied, but also got drunk and high on the weekends. But still, I wasn’t a “street guy”. I guess she thought (as far as masculinity goes) that I was the right combination.

So I should just let it go. I mean if she really loved me then she would have at least tried to fix things. I’m not really surprised looking back. Actually, I am a little because I thought having our family together was worth at least an attempt to try and fix. But then again, some women can get really wicked and cruel when they lose respect for you.

I can’t say that I deserved all of that shit. Bud to be honest, I really was simping pretty damned hard. Simping at best will cause a major loss of attraction….at most loss of total respect. I was majoring in simping and about to graduate with honors.

I WAS that guy my lover told me about. Literally and figuratively. Though I know there are still loads of well intentioned blue pilled men out there, I see NOW that it’s not a tenable state of mind as attraction is a huge part of any romantic relationship. Being on BOTH sides helped me see this fact more clearly. Thanks for the lesson luv.

In short, I failed. I dropped the ball. I mean, I had great intentions, but still. I wasn’t ready. Despite admitting this, I don’t give her a pass. She walked away from not just me, but our family. In the process, she betrayed me. Blue pill simp or not, I was a good friend and faithful.

Right now, I’m still not ready for a serious relationship. I still have a lot of work to do on myself before I’d even ever consider a real relationship.

I need to find out what the ‘next level’ is for me and focus on that. I need to know where I want to be in the future. I need to find a purpose. I need to put in the work to fulfill that purpose. I need a vision for the future and work to get there. I need to chase the bag and not my woman. I need to build wealth and stay focused on that, my body, my spirit, and my mind. I need more discipline….been working on it, but still have a ways to go.

Perhaps she was my karma in a way. I really can’t complain too much as in real life, it’s mostly my fault. Again, I acted out of ignorance. Though I thought I knew what it meant, I literally just understood what is meant by “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

I did this to myself in so many ways. So it really is best that I just let it go. I have to. Any indictment against her is truly a condemnation against myself. In a way, she was like a teacher. An insufferable evil bitch of a teacher, but learning the ‘hard way’ is never easy.

Right now, I’m feeling pretty contented with the situation. I know that there will be other waves of pain and anger as I go through this process. But hopefully this little sunshine is a sign of true healing. Letting go isn’t easy, but I’ve come so far.

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