The irony

   Got a chance to hang out with my lover yesterday.  While sitting outside, she was telling me about some guy that wanted to date her.

The in and out was how she was dissatisfied with his sexual performance and his body.   However, the guy seemed very interested in wanting to get to know her….even going so far as to learn about her local government officials and her graduate school basketball team.

   He seemed to be putting in a lot of effort to get to understand and impress her.   In addition to trashing his sex game and his enthusiasm to get with her…..she stated that he was “in love” with her….almost bragging that she broke his heart.

      I told her that I felt sorry for dude and I really didn’t want to hear much about him in a negative way.

       It really fucked with my mind because I couldn’t help but wonder what my stbxw said about me to her lovers.   Here it is, that guy (just like me),  doing the most to show his appreciation and though his “love” wasn’t reciprocated, she basically “shit” all over him.

        It didn’t stop me from fucking with her,  but it certainly has me looking at her in a different light.    Although (not saying I’m perfect either) I’ll still fuck with her on a sexual friendship tip….I don’t think a real relationship can come out of this.   If she can trash a guy with good intentions, then I really don’t see how I could ever really trust her not to do the same to me should we ever get in a real relationship and things go bad.

       Hearing about how I was better in bed didn’t boost my ego in the slightest.  I mean,  I’m good (imho),  but there is always better.    Plus, I generally look at many forms of flattery as a form of manipulation.  Women pretty much always tell you that you’re the best or one of the best.

       I wonder if the guys my stbxw trash me to get the ego boost or if they see this as a red flag the same way I do.  Although,  just like me,  a little slander ain’t gonna stop the show…..especially if she’s offering sex on a platter….I can’t help but wonder if they plan to take her seriously.    

   I also wonder if the roles were reversed,  if the other guy (in the case with my lover) would have had compassion for me.    Or would he have gotten an ego boost and added in to the slander as well.   Though I don’t know him like that,  he does seem to be a simp based on what she told me and I’m inclined to believe he’d really look down on me.   Either way, I still take little to no satisfaction from her comparisons.

For all I know,  she could just be trying to triangulate the both of us.  

     From all this,  I am learning a few things.  1) women can be evil as shit 2)some men truly are simps and naive.   3)Giving your heart to a woman is really a stupid thing to do, especially this day and age.  The world is a fucked up place for relationships right now.  

         Between this,  all the reddit posts and YouTube videos about cheating/unvirtuous women, and really trying to understand why the fuxk are  some men ok with helping a cheating wife destroy her family…..I am very jaded about (not just marriage)…but romantic relationships in general.

        People talk a good game.   They want love, yet they either run from it or basically shit on it once they have it.   It’s as if you can’t trust anyone these days with your heart. They feel as if they can fuck people over who love them and expect no karma. It’s like noone wants to get cheated on, but are ok with cheating.

Short term situationships are really the wave right now. Don’t expect anything. Just go an a few dates, text for a bit, have sex a few times and keep it moving. We are in a hookup era. We live in a time where being in love is detrimental and being emotionally unavailable, is sexy. It’s all a game. It’s all a joke. It’s like who can get who to fall in love the fastest so u can have the validation.

       I don’t want to fall in love,  tho I do desire it sometimes.    Idealistically though, I’d prefer a woman that I’m attracted to to be in love with me, but I have love for her, just not madly in love with her.   I want the power to simply walk away without much pain if she gets on the bullshit.

     A true connection scares the shit out of me.   Love hurts bad and people are reckless with your heart.    It seems to bring the absolute worst out of people.

  Am I toxic?  Am I truly jaded?  Are all women like this?  Are just the ones I’ve been dealing with like this…..in fact, if I think back…..pretty much all the women I’ve dated lately are pretty fucked up mentally.   

      One of my best friends told me the other day that he believes that infidelity is par for the course in marriage.    It’s one reason he doesn’t want to get married….though he himself appears to be “in love” with a college sweetheart.

      Then you have the married folks who seem (from outward appearances) to be doing right by each other.    That shit seems boring as hell and most don’t seem to be exactly happy with each other.  That lifestyle doesn’t seem too appealing.   

Looking back at my own marriage….before things fell apart.  Though I didn’t mind sacrificing for the family….it was boring.    Stbxw didn’t seem to put as much into keeping things spicy….sexually or otherwise.

           She didn’t work to try to keep me happy.  There were many times she rejected me for sex.   Too many.   Perhaps the mystery was gone and she knew that she had me.   And I also fell into the trap of putting her on a pedestal … doing the most and whatever in my power to keep her happy.  I was truly afraid of losing her (and our family).  

          Given the facts that she cheated multiple times and has no empathy for me, I don’t have it in me to try and “win” her back. 

  If she isn’t happy nor wants to try to find happiness with me,  then I don’t want her to be here.  

   And even if I managed to “win” her back through improving my financial status or personality….I still couldn’t respect the fact that she betrayed and ultimately abandoned our family.  Especially knowing the importance of a nuclear family and her not even trying to save it.

I wish I could just let her go and just forget about her completely.   Just like all my previous relationships, I just would like to move on and never look back.    I wouldn’t care about karma or revenge.  

        Yet our son is the love of my heart.  I’d do almost anything for him.   It puts me in a awkward position of having to be affiliated with her and being unable to fully get away.  It’s like I have to be forever reminded of the way she fucked me over….and if she does find “happiness” I have to witness it knowing that she stepped all over me and our family to get it.

  As we speak I’m implementing no/minimal contact with her. Funny how it’s so hard for me right now. I don’t know why. I don’t really have anything to say to her. I dont miss her like that. I have no clue as to why she’s on my mind. I’m pretty sure that she isnt thinking about me and is probably love-bombing the fuck out of someone right now. It’s her life….dunno why I give a damn.

She won that get him to fall in love battle. She had me wide open. Now even after all the lies, deceit, and selfishness, I’m still sitting here…..hurt and skiddish about walking away.

I’m slowly getting my heart back though. I do feel MUCH better than I did a year ago. But shit how much longer will it take before she isn’t on my mind ANYMORE.

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