Today I watched a video about losing. More specifically, about how sometimes, narcissists who do you wrong get away with it. I don’t know if STBXW is an actual covert narcissist. I mean, she didn’t show much empathy for me or our family when she walked away. I mean, especially the way she did it. She does exhibit quite a few of the characteristics, But, I’m no clinical psychologist. It would make sense to explain her behavior in certain ways. But that’s not really the point.

The point is that sometimes, people get away with it and there’s not much you can do about it. We expect justice in some form or another, usually through karma or just overcoming and prevailing. But (according to the video), our minds have been conditioned through movies, books, and stories to believe they get their cummupence. In real life, people get away with shit like that all the time. Very often, there isn’t a come to Jesus moment or some epic downfall when they fuck you over. This was an aha moment for me.

Also, if she is indeed a narc, I shouldn’t expect her to suddenly wake up one day and see the importance of working on our family unit as a priority. Or to suddenly understand the impact of years of this abuse has had on me. I shouldn’t seek, nor expect justice, but simply DO THE WORK on healing myself and ACCEPT it for what it is. She can’t / won’t change. She probably sees no reason to….Not enough to do it anyway and even if she did, she can’t fix me.

As I’ve always said, the truth is that if she’s capable of doing it, then there is no reason to think that she’ll ever regret it.

In a way, it’s disheartening. But at the same time, it’s empowering. It helps in just letting it go.

As a kid, I played soccer and made it all the way to the finals, just to lose. I guess we worked about as hard as any other team, but that particular year, we just had it going for us. It SUCKED. We cried. We were HURT.

Another year, My parents also made participate in a male pageant where we had to wear suits sort of like how the girls had to wear dresses. Unsurprisingly, as a 5 year old boy, I didn’t want to but was quite surprised when I kept making it to the next round. As the final came closer and closer, I became more invested like….shoot, I could actually win this thing!!!

I ended up in second place. Many people thought I should have one according to my parents (of course), but we lived in a somewhat racist town in the 80’s. “Whatever” i thought to that. Maybe or maybe not, but however I remember the disappointment. Injustice or not.

I learned that life just happens and you have to move on. You get over it.

The main thing I got from the video was that seeking or hoping for justice is a way to keep you emotionally attached to the situation. Karma may or may not come, but the measure by which i hope for it occupies precious emotional space in my mind.

If I were to have held on to those losses or possible injustices, hoping that they’d get resolved, it would have caused way more mental anguish than necessary. I mean, I could use it as fuel or anguish to do better next time. But do I really even want revenge? Is it even all that serious?

She rejected me. Sure, she did it a really fucked up way. But in a way, it is further proof that she isn’t really worth it. So, by me holding on this rejection….and her already showing that she doesn’t give a fuck indicates that I’m the only one hurt by this whole situation. I forgive myself for the pain i felt. I should have been hurt considering what was on the line. But in the end, I run the risk of losing way more than my family unit if I hold on to this anger.

I have the opportunity to regain my mental sanity, by just accepting that injustices (by definition, people get away with it) happen sometimes, learn from my mistakes, and move on.

By not expecting or worrying or hoping for karma, I am hoping that it takes me to the next level of healing. My ego was damaged badly, but again,I do still have my son.

Besides, even though I didn’t meet her standards. I can say that she didn’t meet mine either. I expected better character from a person i was married to and had a family with. I thought we shared certain family values. It was my ignorant(possibly projected) view of her character that caused me to err. I was mistaken.

I hoped for someone to love me in a deeper way. Like in the way I loved her back. I saw our marriage as something sacred. She was my closest person. I gave my all to her. It was ride or die with me. This is how I view marriage. I still do. True love, not just infatuation. Through the fights, the ups and downs, the disagreements, ebbs and flows, difficulties, times of ease, good times and bad….. We should always have each other’s back and would never betray or sell out the other out.

We were supposed to call each other out on our bullshit and have open honest and sincere communication with each other. We were supposed to have each others’ best interests in heart in all of our decisions. It was sometimes duty, but something to be proud of. There was obligation and responsibility to always care for the family. I know as a man, it was my job to protect. But it’s her responsibility to hold it down on her end as well.

We were family….you don’t betray your own (unless in extreme cases).

In the end, this isn’t a position for a selfish person. At least to me anyway. And the fact that she could do this unremorsefully without trying to fix it lets me know that I made a mistake in choosing her. It’s on me to own up to that.

She is who she is. and it has nothing to do with me. Even if she blames my ‘lack of ambition’ for her “unhappiness”, instead of addressing it, she chose to cheat and have another affair. She is the type who feels justified in an affair if things don’t go her way. She’s ok with breaking up her own family unit to be with an affair partner who already has multiple baby mama’s already. She’s ok with trying cheating with and even googling how to break up that “unhappy” guy from living with one of his children’s mother. Secrecy, disloyalty, treachery and the willingness to step on whomever it takes to get what she wants is a part of our history. It’s just in her. She’s selfish and it’s her nature to put her wants above the needs of those who depend on her. She’s a runner and not a stand up person. And she is ok with it.

KNOWING THIS, How could I expect remorse from her?

If this is indicative of her character, then why expect change? Would karma really make her regret it in a real way? Would her crawling back to me, begging me to come back really change the way that I feel about her now? Probably not. Even if she has / can fool others (I mean she fooled the hell out of me), I KNOW WHAT SHE DID AND HOW SHE DID IT!!! even if they get the g rated version or an outright lie from her.

It’s enough for me to say No ma’am. I’ll pass. So, even if she gets away with it…..SHE has to live with knowing that she did this. If it never bothers her, then it shows me the type of person she truly is and though it is sad for kiddo, i was actually blessed by no longer having to be bound to this type of person. Only God knows what she’s dealing with in there. Who knows what kind of psychological issues/ forces are at play in her mind. Maybe it was her upbringing? Is she possessed by a jezebel spirit or something? Is she a covert narcissist? Or is it just that she’s unhappy and deals with personal issues in a selfish way.

Shit, I got my own issues to deal with and this is beyond the scope of what I can do.

Maybe, this is why i was harboring so many feelings. I wanted her to have remorse and I was waiting for karma. It’s very likely that the former won’t happen. And it’s also likely that the latter won’t happen in an ego satisfactory way. This revelation is beneficial.

Because….

By letting go, accepting that she broke my heart (shit happens), she did me dirty (character issues), and she may not have remorse or see repercussions(it be like that sometimes), it would be more hurtful to me than her to hold on to this bitterness. I took a risk and this happened. Sucks, but shit happens sometimes.

She doesn’t give a fuck either way so I might as well just let it go and do what I gotta do(gracefully bow out)….not out of revenge but simply because it needs to be done.