The truth of the matter is that I didn’t do my job as a man in so far as leading our family. Although I did at the time do what I thought was sufficient, there were indeed areas of improvement that in retrospect may have led to the dillusionment of my STBXW.
I could have been more ambitious as far as finding a house for us. I could have been more ambitious in trying to be a better provider. I did pedestalize her too much. I could have been thoughtful enough to take her on more trips. I could have been a better financial planner. Instead of making life happen, I sort of allowed it to happen. And we were stagnant and not moving forward. I failed to plan for the future so I failed to provide a vision or things to hope and strive for. Being without a lot of savings and investments already, we were not secure for our retirement. I wasn’t playing an active role in trying to make that happen.
Perhaps I deserved to be left. I didn’t do what I needed to do to handle those important areas in life. I always thought that love was enough. That if I somehow showed my competence in other areas such as support, love, faithfulness, and helping around the house, it would be enough.
But I didn’t know about the other just as important intangibles. Giving hope and insipiration by being the example in providing those things. I had no plans. I had no goals. No real dreams or ambitions. I had few ideas here and there that I never followed up on or gave up on. I had no purpose.
Over the last few months, I’ve realized that these things are important.
We were truly stagnant, stuck, in one place simply spinning our wheels, going nowhere. No destination, just simply floating out at sea at the mercy of the wind. In all reality I cannot really blame her for no longer wanting this. The illusion of survival and having a family together did bring me such happiness. It was a nice raft though. But with that happiness came complacency. I have heard that complacency is an unattractive trait for men to have. Boredom creeps in and here we are day to day, with nothing to look forward to.
I have learned that ambition, grit, goals vision, and action are all key to being a man in today’s modern landscape. Modern times and circumstances have afforded us the luxury of not having to ‘get it out the mud’ so to speak in order to survive. However, with this comes the responsibility of figuring out “what’s next.” Life cannot simply be about surviving for today.
That striving to reach the ‘next level’ wasn’t supplanted in me as a youth. God has His reasons. I picked up many bad habits and ideas along the way. I cannot blame God, society, my upbringing, nor my wife for the predicament that I currently find myself in though. As a man, I do know that no matter what comes, you have to adjust.
It may be too late to save my family. Though this lesson was tough and needed, getting past the betrayal of my stbxw is something that I cannot get over. I can’t even say if she would have supported me or not as I never really gave her anything to support. I never gave her anything to believe in. I wish she would have just left without cheating though.
I know that I need to improve the aforementioned areas in my life. If I’m honest, it’s another reason I don’t want a relationship right now. Until I can lead myself, then how can I expect someone to follow me?
Hopefully this admission can help me get over the bitterness of it all. It’s really my fault.
But the hard part is wondering WHY? Why don’t I really want anything? Why am I so content? What’s with the complacency? I know that wanting something is the first step to getting it. But i have no clue what I want. A large house, luxury cars, wealth, and all the usual things people strive for don’t really seem to be motivation enough. I haven’t really found a cause to champion enough to just be doing it.
The motivation for material would really be motivated by wanting a woman…and one who loves and respects me. However this comes with the caveat that she’d only want me because of what I have. With that being the case, then this thing called ‘love’ is conditional. If it is conditional, then there really is no need for faithfulness in the first place.
Unconditional love from a romantic partner is a myth. A fairy tale. The best we can hope for is attraction and chemistry.
Perhaps ambition and wanting to have things is a key indicator of something important. Perhaps it’s part of the bigger picture. I’m thinking that I was disillusioned by wealth because it had been presented as a thing that is superficial. But in reality, looks are superficial, yet important to attraction. I work my ass off in the gym because of the way people look at me. It’s not important, yet it makes me feel good and is motivation to keep working hard. I should see wealth in the same way. Ultimately, it’s not important, but it is a great tool to get that superficial validation that’s important to the ego.
Dreams, goals, ambition, and vision are also important. Though not as high on the heirarchy as health, there are tons of unhappy yet healthy people out there. Though insignificant in the scheme of things, it is important for the here and now. Which is happen to be where I find myself here and now.
I can’t afford to desire my wife back. Perhaps she just isn’t the one for me. I have to give up this anger and bitterness. Maybe this was a wake up call. God spanked my ass. Maybe it took such drastic measures for me to get to this point. The best case scenario would be to have her wanting to come back….not out of guilt. Not out of remorse even, actually it would be nice for her to feel my pain if I’m honest. But because I made myself more attractive. I became the person she thought I was going to be.
Not to say that I’d take her back, but the only way I’d feel good about this situation is if I made something out of myself. How satisfying would it be to make her play the pick me game for a change.
Maybe I’m supposed to have several wives. Multiple women who truly “love”me even if it is for superficial reasons. I don’t plan of giving my heart any but just saying. But before I can get to that point of realizing that audacious reality, I must secure myself financially. I must secure myself physically and mentally. This must be done before I even consider a relationship.
A purpose, dreams, ambition, goals, action and results is the ultimate high. Alcohol and drugs only provide a superficial boost. It’s not real and fleeting. I must put in the work as I have in the gym. No distractions. No games. I really can’t afford dating or sex right now. I gotta get on track. Only monk mode. I must give up on comfort for now. Distractions are all around me. But I must resist. How can I maintain this motivation though?