Man. I know that I need to disengage. I know that I can’t and don’t trust her. I know that she’s by definition “for the streets”. I have no idea how after all this time, her hooks are still in me. It’s not like I want her back. It’s so strange. Yet something, it’s almost like a craving or something wants me to reach out and talk to her. I really can’t explain it at all. How could I really have any sort of desire for someone who treated and disrespected me so bad? I mean my thoughts about her are never positive.
Love is a drug. But this isn’t love, it’s chemicals. Toxic and addictive. It’s spiritual. It’s like a demon or something. She’s like a succubus energized off my life spirit.
This is a spiritual battle yet I can feel it in my physical somehow. The pain, anxiety….desire for temporary relief. It’s like quitting a drug or something. Whatever that “love”/attachment” drug is, it’s not fun when thrill is gone. Rehab is an annoying but not impossible bitch to overcome.
I was healing so well the first time she left those few months on her travel assignment a few months ago. I feared her coming back. Perhaps this was why. I relapsed somehow even though things never really got back to a good place. I really need time and distance. No contact is a must right now.
I texted today to make sure she made it safely. But from here on out….no more talking. No contact. Only business. This chick is bad news. Fortunately for me, I have time and distance. I can deal with the spirtual/mental/emotional….whatever the fuck it is discomfort. I’ve been here at this place so many times. It’s probably easier for her as she has so many distractions. Other sources of energy. As fucked up as it sounds, it’s probably working in my favor as she won’t really be trying to talk to me like that. She has so many others to feed off of for now. Perhaps my energy won’t be missed enough for her to notice until I’m stronger. Woe to the next man who succumbs to her spell. Here is my chance to get free. That chick is dangerous man.
The way these things work though…..as soon as I’m breaking my addiction, she’ll be trying to call and wonder what’s up. I’ll bet she’ll be able to feel it somehow. But shit, I know the deal. I have to reclaim my power and inner spirit. I can’t let her drain it. I must protect it by all means from her. Stay strong. No contact is the way.
It’s not an easy road, but I’ve done this before…..and it should be easier. I know what I’m facing this time.