Loss of Honor and Respect

I came to the realization this morning of how much this marriage has cost me in my self respect. This whole time, I was so concerned about hurting kiddo that I didn’t think about how steep the price was. As I lay in bed last night next to the stbxw, I felt angry for some reason. I thought about the dirty texts she sent to all those guys. The admission of another physical affair in one of them. The guys telling her to work on the marriage. The lies she told them. The good morning texts. The exchanges that occurred with me and kiddo in earshot while we were sitting around the living room . The pictures of kiddo that she sent to them. The “I love you’s”. The plans they made. The sympathy texts received for the passing of one of her close family members. (That I sacrificed my whole weekend to drive her to). All of that.

I understood why upon first discovery, I wasn’t so mad nor surprised, but this night had me fuming. I couldn’t sleep. Then today, her last day before her 7 month travel assignment, I felt a bit sad that she was leaving. I think that deep down I really did hope that she’d show some remorse or sympathy before she left. I called her, unable to explain a weird feeling that I had. So we talked about it. Actually, it was a venting session. As usual I did most of the talking.

Then I suddenly realized that she had cheated ON ME first. She LIED. I did so much for her. I thought about how she said that she didn’t respect me. Then I realized that she shouldn’t respect me. I wasn’t respecting myself. In order to keep the home from becoming toxic and exposing her to our son (as not to damage their relationship)….I allowed her to stay in the home. I didn’t argue when I suspected that she was texting someone else. I didn’t require her to give me her phone for reassurance. I sat there and took it like a bitch.

I know I made my mistakes in the marriage too, but I was not deserving of that level of blatant disrespect. It all came together. The sudden relapse into selective muteness. The constant anxiety I felt in my stomach and chest. The drinking. I was thinking that since I was out doing my own dirt that perhaps this somehow made up for it all. But in reality, that was a band aid to cover up the internal issues that I wasn’t facing.

I basically allowed her to shit on me for almost 5 years straight. And i sat there and took it. Sure I bitched and complained whenever we had time alone. BUT I DID NOTHING!!! I created this monster.

OF COURSE SHE DOESN’T RESPECT ME.

This is not how any self respecting person should act. I would have taken a bullet for either of them. It was my job to protect them. But giving my life and self respect are two different things. I shouldn’t have even been put in the position to choose between saving my family unit or sacrificing self respect in the first damned place!!! Then to not even get a thank you. Or any sign of remorse. Only more bullshit.

This is not an example of how any man should act. I am setting a horrible example for kiddo. My only son to live by. I don’t care if his own mother blatantly disrespects him as a man. He should never tolerate it. Not from me, not from ANYONE!!! In fact, she disrespected him by disrespecting me to these other men. I am his FATHER for fucks sake. I am disrespecting him by taking this shit.

I am so ashamed as I type this. It took me 5 gotdamned years to realize this!!! I cannot be surprised that she doesn’t respect me at this point. She has been saying with her actions way before saying it with her mouth. Here I was, thinking I was some gotdamned hero or something. As if I were noble in the cause of taking all this shit and doing absolutely nothing but complain. Trying to save her relationship with kiddo like captain save a ho or something. I have always bailed her out. Only for her to use me as some fucking back up plan or safety net. If the relationship with Kiddo was that important, she could have behaved way differently. If this sword is so important for her to carry, then she should fall on it. She needs to take accountability. The fact is, I am enabling her to fuck me over and treat me like this. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I was hiding the truth from him and this is something that I am totally against. Hell we told him that santa wasn’t real every since he knew what christmas was. Man. I’m feeling sick to my stomach right now thinking back. Why was it so gotdamned important to have a family unit anyway? The vows mean absolutely NOTHING to her. I am all for sticking out a marriage and working on it. I really meant them when I said it. I burned all my boats behind me when I said them. But bruh. This ain’t it. I don’t know why it’s so fucking hard. Why am I torturing myself? I will always be there for kiddo. In the end, this toxic relationship can’t be healthy for him. Avoiding the truth cannot be healthy and nothing good can come of this. I wasted 5 years of my fucking life dealing with this bullshit. Lying. Living a fucking lie!!!

If I cannot love myself, then how in the fuck could I expect her to love me. It’s clear now. It mean it was obvious before. But gotdamned, it’s been right in front of my face the whole time.

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