For the love of…

       Speaking to my stbxw earlier made me realize that some people’s view of Love is just completely different from mine.   I don’t know if men feel the same way, but hers isn’t atypical of a lot of women on the internet who leave their husbands.     Her primary complaint is that she’s unhappy and honestly doesn’t respect me due to my “lack of ambition.”   When asked WHY if she felt that way, didn’t she say anything or try to inspire or motivate me, she repied…..”Noone motivates me to do anything.” 

         What can I say?  I mean, it isn’t like I’m a lazy bum or anything.   I’ve always worked a decent paying job.  Always brought home a paycheck.   Been there for her and kiddo whenever they needed anything, never abused her, never cheated (well not until her second affair), kept in shape,  and supported her in whatever her dreams or ambitions were….  And yet I’m unworthy of respect?    Who fixed things around the house when they were broken….and figured out the logistics of making things happen?  I did.  

       Who gave her solid advice when she needed it in her personal matters.   I did.   I’ve never stolen from her, taken advantage of the fact that she made more money.   In fact yielded to the fact that we pay 50/50 despite it meant that she kept more of the household income for herself.   It isn’t even like she splurged her extra money on me.  I didn’t ask her to, but in retrospect should have taken it as a red flag.    I took on a part time job in addition to my regular job and still managed to help around the house.   In fact, despite working a similar number of hours (sometimes more) per week, I still did the majority of cooking, cleaning, and raising kiddo.   

      How could she have completed her degree if it wasn’t for me holding it down while she studied?   … And yet, I’m not worthy of RESPECT?   I could see if she says that she lost attraction.   Perhaps attraction is EVERYTHING  to her.   Maybe attraction IS love to her.    But that’s a topic for another blog post. 

     From my perspective.   It is I who (finally) lost respect for her.   She didn’t hold me down.   She was in this marriage for HER benefit alone.   Proven by the fact that instead of doing what was necessary to try and at least advise me that she was unhappy for x,y,z reason, she just bailed.   She broke up our family instead of at least TRYING to fix it.   She is willing to completely walk away and destroy our home without first attempting to save it.   And yet I am the one who’s not worthy of ‘respect’.

        SHE cheated, had multiple affairs, and disrespected her own son’s father…her HUSBAND. … for the sexual gratification of another man’s ego.   Yet I’m the one who shouldn’t be respected.   She is the one who lies, cheats, gaslights, and there are so many other sins against our family….yet she has the audacity to say that I don’t deserve respect.    She broke the trust and our vows with lies and deceit….and yet I am unworthy of basic respect.

           I know that there are two sides to every story, but God help me I am recanting this story as objectively as possible based on the facts and conversations that we have had.  

         I did something that I told myself I wouldn’t do anymore and checked her phone.    It’s worse than I thought.   She is entertaining several men now.   Had sex with a few.   Even started back communicating with both of her affair partners. and an ex boyfriend.    I didn’t let her know that I know.   She seems to throw herself at them…. inviting sexual conversation through sexual innuendos and memes.    She told some new guy that she loves him after 3 months of texting (an possibly hooking up once or twice), told another she wanted to suck his dick…..then told another how much she misses him.  Yet another sent a meme about how she was sitting next day after anal sex. She always told me that she wan’t into it. Neither was I, but it goes to show that this chick does not really have a mind of her own. It’s like she’ll do anything to get someone to like her. Whatever any one of them is into, she is suddenly all about it. She was like that with me. Perhaps this is what they mean by narcs love bombing and being a chameleon. She appears to be a sweet person, but it’s all smoke and mirrors. In fact, when the bible talks about being cautious of the adulturous woman’s lips being sweet as honey and smooth as oil. It really is on point. She truly embodies that based on the texts I’ve seen.

         There seems to be a certain “cognitive dissonance” going on in her head.    I know that there certainly is in mine.   I want to believe (despite all that I’ve experienced and typed) that she’s somehow a good/decent person.   Ironically, some of these men who actually know about me have asked why she doesn’t try to work on things and her response is that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she’s only here for our kid.   Some have even suggested that she try to work on things for the family and yet she insists that she doesn’t want to.    Unsurprisingly (to her character), she tells me that she’s on the fence about things.   Despite them probably fucking her, I can’t help but wonder if they pity me on some level thinking to themselves (damn dude you are married to her?)   She even has suggested how much she “loves” at least three of them.  Apparently, they are ALL easy to talk to….lol    

       It really pisses me off that she sends theses guys pictures of her and kiddo.    I mean seriously why are your you sending these men pictures of our son.    Sure, he’s a handsome kid, but still .   Even worse, these are pics that I took and sent to her at her request.   Talk about disrespectful.

        Yes, she is definitely for the streets as they say.   And ironically, I don’t think that she really knows it.    She really thinks that she is good/decent woman.    She is still pretty (external looks wise)….and although I personally wouldn’t fuck with a married woman….period.    I understand how some men would entertain her for sex.    Especially if she’s basically offering it up on a platter.    I do wonder if any of these guys take her seriously as far as wanting to wife/cuff her.    I mean, seriously, if she is saying these things to them  through text, and considering some of the things she says to me about her (justification)…. who knows in what ways she puts her foot in her mouth as an indictment of her “for the streets” status.

        I really think she is simple minded in certain ways.   Manipulative for sure.   But it’s sort of like watching a person who “thinks” they are smart commit sloppy crimes.   Like, I seriously wonder, wtf in going on in there?  I can’t wrap my head around how she has no conscious.   I mean, I do what I do and sure it’s wrong, but I feel that I do have justification in that 1)she keeps cheating and 2) our sexless marriage is due to her.     Though now, I don’t even want to touch her like that.     I do get horny sometimes (especially if she’s walking around naked), but now that I know the extent of what she does, making love, kissing, and so forth is completely out of the question.    Yeah, don’t judge me, I try to refrain from masturbation as a practice.   And like you haven’t seen a porn star or stripper you’d fuck though not want to wife up or make love to.

           Either way, her lack of loyalty selfishness,, deceitful nature, lack of empathy, laziness when it comes to cooking and cleaning, and tbh selfish/bad to average sex (when I did get it) all outweigh her looks when it comes to wifey.   I would almost pity any man who is foolish enough to actually fall in love with her.   Any man who can’t peep game is either a blue pill simp, being seriously deceived, or just plain ignorant of this type of woman.    

        I am in recovery.      I am glad that I now know the truth or at least more truth about her actions.   I can’t say that I’m hurt anymore.   I’m not really surprised.   In fact, I’m a bit relieved.  It is helping me recover to see more about the “truth” of who she really is.    I am damaged though I must admit.   I can’t see myself falling in love again…  I just can’t see myself wanting to marry anyone.  

I want sex without being attached too much.    I don’t want a woman who can just out the blue decide that she wants out of a committed relationship.  Especially if I didn’t do anything wrong.     Obviously I’ll have to let her go.   But the lesson of “she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.” has been burned into my mind.   Perhaps she killed the idea of a pure innocent reciprocated true love for me.   Perhaps this was my “wake up kid, Santa aint real” moment.

           But does this make me toxic now?   I mean I wonder how honest or faithful…..can I be t this point….. It truly seems that truly loving a woman with your heart is a recipe for losing her.    Yet, if she is sincere, I don’t want to damage her either.       I can’t bring over this hurt to any future relationships.    Yeah, I need to reset and recalibrate.  

I also have to admit my faults in this as well.

     I lacked prudence and leadership.   I allowed the fact that she made more money than me cause me to compromise what I know to be right as far how we handle the household income.   This prevented us from really planning our future.    I lacked confidence to take the lead as far a securing a house (as I never know how much we could really afford).   I gave her too much authority. I treated her as more of a partner than a wife.   I didn’t fight too hard when it came to privacy when it comes to cell phones.   I allowed her to cross too many boundaries without properly checking her and putting consequences in place.   I should have been able to walk away while she respected me if she didn’t compromise.   I should have fought harder for transparency.    I compromised way too much.    I didn’t hold her accountable for her mistakes as I should have.    I allowed to love of our family unit and commitment to our vows to override my self respect.   I put her happiness above my principles.    I didn’t act as a MAN.  I allowed this feminist propaganda to turn me into a beta male mindset.   I didn’t stand on my own 10 and make it my way or the highway.   

     It’s sort of hard to do when the only consequence I could impose is breaking up the family though.   It isn’t like I had the power to beat her ass when she got out of line.    She made the most money, so I couldn’t take a “lifestyle” away from her.    5 years of game is a long time to keep a chick, so I aint really mad at myself for that.   But I acted/compromised out of fear of losing my family and ironically, it seems that all of this acting has finally manifested in ways I never thought would happen.  

     Confidence truly is key.    Or at least that’s my take away.   I can’t say if we failed due to her selfishness or my lack of confidence.   Perhaps it was a combination of both.   Either way, it seems that things are beyond the scope of fixing.    I know that confidence is key,  but I really don’t think that I want this anymore.   She’s tainted.   She can’t be trusted.   Had she been more honest, real, inspirational, loving, selfless and I lost her then I would feel worse about it.   Perhaps I would be motivated to BE better for her.   I’ll do better for me for sure and hopefully be a better example for kiddo….    But damn man.   I can’t, for her when she is truly for the streets.      It sucks to lose your family unit.   

          

           

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