Masterpiece Mouthpiece

The gift of gab is the main talent that I wish that I possessed. People who are able to riff on on and on about anything seem to have an uncanny ability to influence the people and world around them. I know people who seem to never run out of things to say. One down side is that many can never seem to shut the fuck up and always have to say something. However, the downsides would be worth the benefits in my opinion.

I seem to have the opposite problem. Instead of always talking, I seem to rarely have anything to say. Even when I want to talk, it’s like my mind can’t think of anything. When it’s my turn to talk, my mind sort of defaults to answering questions directly or saying very obvious things without much added context. I don’t know why this is.

Talking and humor seem to be this weird ass phenomena that seems to simple and yet it blows me. It’s not like when people are talking, they say things that blow my mind. They are JUST WORDS. English. I’ve been speaking it since a child. I comprehend very well. And yet, words seem to elude me when I have to just talk. Humor is the same way, I can laugh at jokes. Like, I get it. I even catch many of the double and triple entendres that great rappers spit when speaking. I recognize the humor in them. I’ve even explained jokes to people that went over their heads. Given enough time, i can ocassionally come up with ‘funny’ ish, especially when texting. I can find the humor in all sorts of comedians, even some of the less popular ones.

Yet it seems that I cannot recreate them on my own in real time. What the fuck is that? I know a lot of words and phrases. I mean I can speak coherent sentences. It’s like playing an instrument where it takes tons and tons of practice. It would be like if I carried a guitar around every day and plucked the strings, but after 40 something years of living, could recognize a song, but still couldn’t play a damned thing. I’m literally sitting here using words to express ideas as I type this.

I really think that this is my biggest problem in life. I’m not really shy. I wouldn’t mind being the center of attention IF I had a ‘voice’. The main cause of any kind of social anxiety is normally based on the fact that I worry that I won’t have anything to say. Even with my close family, who I don’t think ‘judge’ me, still, I still can’t just let my words take over.

If I’m honest, I think that this problem has been the root of all sorts of evils in my life. The only reason I started drinking and smoking weed was because it was the only time I was able to talk freely. Luckily, cocaine has always been a bit difficult for me to come by else I might have succumb to the temptation more often. Ecstacy is also a drug that allows me to express myself verbally. To be honest I don’t understand why some people who have this gift drink so much. The only reason I drink as often as I do is so that I can sometimes talk to people.

What the fuck is it? This has been a problem for most of my life. In college, I remember going to the computer lab and spending hours on hours on the internet looking for possible solutions. There, I learned about anxiety disorders, social anxiety, hell, I even thought that low self esteem was the cause. You could say that I majored in pop psychology. I could literally write a book on the subject. However, if anything, my esteem is lowered because of the issue. I don’t talk because I have low self esteem, I have low self esteem because I don’t talk. I know this. I looked into getting SSRI’s and all sorts of medication to help. It does somewhat, but drinking along with it seems to fully dissipate my ‘muteness’.

I’ve missed out on so many women because of this. I’m a fairly decent looking / handsome guy (from what I’m told) and I can only imagine if I had the words/game/charisma to go with it. In fact, if I’m honest, most of the women I was able to successfully seduce came because most of our interactions involved alcohol. I just feel different, but I can’t explain how exactly. Of course, I can’t stay drunk or do drugs all the time for obvious reasons.

If I’m really, really honest, I believe that it’s the main reason why my stbxw fell out of love with me. I think it’s also part of why I fear falling in love again. I thought she loved me for me and even though, sometimes my selective mutism is worse than others, I thought that it was something I was close to overcoming. This is why I cannot recommend using alcohol as a crutch as I’m a different person when sober. It doesn’t help that her family is full of people who have this gift.

I often find myself disagreeing with some of the points of people who talk easily so it’s not like I think they’re some super geniuses or something. I do admire the ability, but I don’t think they are all superior to me intellectually. I may not be a genuis, but I am at the very least competent intellectually. I’m not mesmerized to the point of thinking that they are superior to me in every aspect of life.

Who knows how many opportunities I’ve missed out on professionally due to this? Due to the way that I look, I think that people expect certain leadership qualities out of me. I’ve been given plenty of opportunites based on this. When people say that looks matter, I can say that it will open certain doors for you, but it’s your verbal game that will see you through. In fact, I think that game is more important than money, looks, and status when it comes to getting and keeping women. The latter three can get your foot in the door, but the former can get your foot in and as well as get you a permanent residence.

I don’t know what to say. A lifetime of this has kept me pretty humble It’s like hell on earth sometimes. It’ like the heavens are just arms length away and yet I can never reach them.

Intuitively, it feels like just one or two things have to just “click” in my mind and I got it. It’s like I’m on the verge of having it. I know that I can do it, as I’ve done it when under the influence. Yet when sober and it gets down to it, the best way I can describe it as a mental misfire. I hate that part. How is it that people can just effortlessly do this so often and yet I struggle so much. Even some “stupid” people with no logic, reasoning or sense seem to do this better.

I’ve tried self hypnosis, but so far, to no avail. I read a lot on pick up (how to get women)….but those are only lines and theories about “frame”. It’s not effortless like ‘naturals’. To me, it seems that some people can just talk as easily as they breathe. It just seems so easy and natural and yet, it’s like something is holding me back.

I’ve looked into learning improv games, tried break down jokes into their elements, learned about punchlines and timing, and all sorts of other comedic techniques. I’ve tried to study comedians to see how they funny. And yet, nothing seems to stick. Plus it seems to just be natural for some people. I’m not trying to be a comedian so to speak, just a person who says funny shit sometimes and can communicate more often in the language of words as opposed to silence.

I”m not conscious of any ‘pressure’ to have to say something most of the time, but yet it would be nice to be able to be more normal in this regard. It’s as if spiritually, I’m disconnected or something. Like a frequency that I can’t quite tune into for some reason. I sometimes wonder if I’m just high on the autistic spectrum. But even still, I’m pretty empathic and am pretty good at reading social queues.

I’m a “nice guy” because in general the best response when you can’t think of anything else to say is to be nice. I mostly like most people and see no reason to be an asshole simply because my mind isn’t producing the words. I’ll disagree when necessary, but don’t expect riveting response advocating my position unless asked. I know the difference between people seeking comfort and people seeking advice.

I really hate being one of those poeple who people like, but feel like a charity case because I am so nice. What gives?

Man, I dunno, I just wish that I could think of things to say.

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