I’m not shy, but here’s the thing

I think that my biggest problem has always been a lack of game. Game is pretty much speaking and acting in a certain way to people. It’s a form of small talk I suppose, but with humor and wit added in. A lot of times, I often find myself befuddled for words in this type of setting in general. This is so strange to me because I consider myself pretty smart. I don’t have a problem keeping up with conversations in my mind. I can hear funny shit and laugh. I can roast the shit out of people when i get warmed up. I can even say some pretty clever things when i freestyle and get warmed up ( i mention this for an important reason). People rarely say anything mind blowing or unheard of to me in every day conversation.

Don’t get me wrong, I can answer questions and ask them. I’m not a complete mute. Ironically, one of my strong suites is creating rapport as I am a pretty good listener and my energy is calm. I tend to over think things, so I do consider things from several perspectives before giving my honest opinion.

But as far as quick thinking and witty banter goes, I don’t know why the words just won’t come (unless I’ve been drinking). It’s not like I feel nervous or anything. I don’t feel like i have anything to hide. I don’t feel that my opinion is irrelevant no any more or less important than anyone else’s.

I don’t think that witty banter or conversation should be that hard tbh. I mean I can follow along and follow the reasoning behind what others say. I don’t really think that they are more intelligent than me (on average). TBH, some people sometimes say some stupid shit, but it doesn’t seem to bother them or stop their flow.

But for me though, it’s like my brain just can’t think of anything to say. I don’t even worry about saying it aloud as many people have adapted to the fact that I usually don’t say much. But damn, i usually can’t even think of a snarky comeback or something that adds to the conversation outside of regular mundane small talk. I don’t think that they hate me, but I probably wouldn’t be they guy they’d want to go out and have a beer with.

This has been something that I’ve known since I was a child. I read ton’s of self help books /articles in and since college trying to figure this out. From my online research (google university) i could suffer from anything from: general depression, social anxiety, social phobia, maybe I’m slightly autisitic, too much masturbation (pre semen retention days), maybe I lack confidence, maybe I’m a beta male, maybe some people were born with the gift of gab and others not so much, maybe i give too many fucks, maybe I give too few. Who the fuck really knows. I have no clue and all of it could be right or wrong.

But this has been a real problem for me and I hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so socially weird that I stand out like a sore thumb and I usually have enough autonomy and social acumen that I can generally get out of social situations before everyone figures it out. I mean, I can talk to people. But it’s more cringe or business than fun and most of the time. I usually walk away feeling worse about myself for a few minutes. There have been a few people in my life who i actually have fun with, but these people are rare to find. But the cool thing is that once we made that bond and reconnect years later, it’s like we’re right back to where we were. It’s effortless.

My therapist asked why it was such a big deal to me. I hate when they ask stupid questions like he doesn’t know the answer to it. As a man (especially a black man) he should know that there is so much pressure to have the right things to say. People subconsciously judge you a lot on that. I honestly think that part of the reason why my stbxw is unhappy with me is because of my slow tongue. I do also feel that I have missed out getting certain jobs or promotions because of this.

I do think that looks are very important. I’m not a bad looking guy and I know that I’ve been given a lot of grace when it comes to women and opportunity because of that. Plus my ability to gain rapport with people in a one on one setting helps. But I come across as a “nice guy.” I am so cordial because I really can’t think of anything else to say most of the time. And we know how that goes. On the flip side, i think that most women expect me to be able to talk better than I do and probably get disappointed when I don’t.

Wins and losses, but at least now I know that i can never really love a woman for real because once she finds out my “secret” she’ll lose attraction. Women love men who talk and when you don’t talk like that, you don’t appear “confident”. I do feel confident, capable, and competent enough as a man overall. It’s just this inability to “talk” or be more “clever” that vexes me.

I do know that I would do way better with women if i could talk better. But I cannot drink alcohol all the time though. I’ve turned to drugs in the past to help with this. I’ve even tried anti depressants. Maybe I didn’t give them enough time to work, but the real reason I was so depressed was because of this condition.

This shit is so fucking frustrating. I read, hear words, and think them to myself all damned day. Yet when it’s time to speak them, I can’t think of the right ones (outside of the cordial shit) to say. Like my brain draws a blank. Like there’s a misfire or something in my head.

The reason why I mentioned roasting and rapping earlier is because i think I’ve discovered a natural way to possibly over come this. I noticed that if I get into a flow if I’m roasting someone or freestyling, the words just come from nowhere. I don’t have to think of what to say, it just comes out.

Maybe good banter comes from a similar vibe. I’m trying to figure out how to do it. I mean I am thinking to myself all the time, but why doesn’t that translate in to better conversations though? Maybe if i consciously roast and freestyle in my head, when it’s time to talk, i’ll be in the right space.

I’ve been at this for 30 something years now. Maybe today will be the day I finally figure this shit out.

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