Baby steps towards the finish

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A funny thing about life…. at times I feel too comfortable to do something about it. The STBXW seems to be getting increasingly disrespectful by the day. And it seems that I respect her less and less for it. It’s so crazy how it appears that she has me by the balls. All because I don’t want to hurt kiddo. I don’t think that she realizes that my fear of hurting him is giving her this power. But by not reclaiming my power, I am enabling her to continue to treat me disrespectfully. As I predicted (possibly phophecied) things are getting worse. It’s becoming more and more apparent that she’s for the streets.

She wasn’t always like this….I don’t think. But she has really changed for the worse. Her morals and sense of right and wrong has declined. She’s lacks any sort of moral compass it seems. She is lazier than ever. She’s is becoming more selfish. It’s really bad around there and I need for her to leave. There is no reasoning with her.

I’m not used to living with “bad” people. In redpill communities, there is a debate between AWALT vs NAWALT. “All women are like that” vs “Not all women are like that.” Many say that “all are”. Many say that some are. Most probably say that all are. I can’t objectively speak on percentages, of those like that vs those who aren’t. I don’t know all women and I know a few who don’t seem to be that way. But in either case, SHE IS like that. Had I known she would end up “like that”, I wouldn’t have started a family with her.

I read an article about the 5 types of women who make bad wives. It should have been characteristics of a bad wife as she embodies aspects of each type of woman. She plans on going out and spending the night with a female freind tomorrow night (wednesday). The same one she’s always talking to and texting and going out with. I don’t know if I believe that. Who goes out in the same city and sleeps overnight in a hotel on a week night. She’s a mother and wife who hasn’t worked in 7 months. She can’t be stressed about work. She’s spending money on a hotel, so apparently she isn’t worried about money. It isn’t like she cleans or cooks consistently so she can’t blame too much housework for being stressed. But yet, she won’t leave.

Last night, I was sitting there listening to kiddo sing a song about happy days. She started singing along with him. It was a catchy song, but listening to his innocent voice singing this happy song almost cracked me up on the inside. Then hearing her sing along with him…. as if she has no cares in the world…..while treating me this way was a mind fuck. Dunno man, I know that my subjective perspective is probably creating this mental hell for me…..but still, there is a line between reframing “the facts” and ignoring reality. I need to cut her out ASAP.

I contacted a lawyer for a consultation and wanted to let her know that in the next few days I’d be searching for one. I asked her to start thinking about a noncontested divorce vs a contested one since it costs way more money. Conventional wisdom says that I shouldn’t tell her about my plans….even though the lawyer thought that it might be good idea if I do….as not to blindside her. I’m assuming he’s thinking that the gesture of “good faith” can help things from becoming too contentious. I want to work with her and be as amicable as possible for kiddo’s sake. We just need to get this done.

Even though I don’t really want to be with her anymore I wish that someday she would look back and see how terribly she behaved and treated me. I’d want her to look at how she was so instrumental in destroying our home and marriage. I’d like for her to really be sorry, but not out of any sense of desperation to get it back…..(though I have at times wondered what it would feel like if she came crawling back)…. but out of true remorse. I don’t know why it would matter by then though. Hopefully, for me, I won’t even need her apology because I will have moved on with my life.

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