What is wrong with Me?

I’m feel so stupid sometimes. STBXW is still here and I slowly feel myself wanting to try to work on things with her. She still hasn’t shown me any remorse and I really don’t know if she’s dealing with someone else. She still won’t let me see her phone. Whenever she does ANYTHING unpredictable, goes out with a friend, or doesn’t answer phone immediately, there is a big large part of me that thinks that she’s on some bullshit. She’s on the phone all the time, like most people, these days, but if I see her smiling too big or looking “suspicious”, then I’m thinking she’s talking to someone else.

I know that she gets a ton of notifications on instagram, but I don’t know if it’s just because someone she follows posted something or if it’s a dm. I saw a snapchat notification on her lockscreen, but when asked if she uses snapchat, she says that she doesn’t use it. She started going out a lot with her female friend and this chick is constantly talking to her and sending her text messages. I do know that her friend is a real “talker”. Like the type that NEVER runs out of things to say, so I know that she could be telling the truth about that. But at the same time, she could be using her as a cover. I mean friends are friends, but damn. Talkng to her every day and then receiving texts a lot seems like A LOT.

It’s no use in confronting her as either 1)I’m wrong and will come across as insecure or 2)She’ll just lie about it. I don’t know why in the fuck I’m feeling this way. I shouldn’t have to worry about this. I’ve told her these exact things and she’ll say that she understands, but still won’t offer the phone as reassurance. She still never said anything about actually trying to fix tihngs, but pretty much acts like she’s on the fence still.

I know this is unacceptable behavior. I don’t trust her. She knows this and doesn’t seem to care. I don’t want to feel this way. I find myself sighing a lot when she’s around, but I just can’t let my guard down enough to just relax and have fun. I know that it is a defensive mechanism and I’m ok with that. But still, I don’t understand what the fuck is going on. I just need for her to leave. it’s like it’s delaying my healing process. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m around her. I feel judged and used. I feel like a loser around her. I feel like a sucker ass lil bitch. I feel like the female victim in a lifetime movie or something. Ironic because I could never see myself abusing a woman like that mentally. Well techincally not, but I now know that I have to do fucked up things sometimes to keep a woman from getting ‘bored.’ This has gotten way out of hand. I need to start over.

I can’t even manifest properly because I don’t know what I want from her. At all. I don’t know if I want her back enough to set that as an intention. I wnat her to change, but I don’t trust her enough to trust the process enough to put my heart into it. this is truly torture. I can’t stand it man. I feel stuck. I just want her to leave. I mean she’s shown time and time again that her character isn’t that of someone I can trust. I don’t know why my stupid mind won’t just let go completely.

Why do I have to get so angry. Her inconsistency seems to be rooted in either selfishness or deceit. Probably both. I just want to be OVER it.

I know that I can’t control her. Only me. And yet that seems difficult at times. I was getting so much better as far as letting go. I still don’t know why her presence is so vexing to me. A man should have peace. Forget that, a person should have peace in their home. I mean really, I don’t love her and I honestly believe that time away would help me immensely to get over this. If she had never come back, how much further along would I be? Kiddo and I would have our new norm.

This chick is such a fucking burden on my mind. It makes me feel emasculated. I feel so defeated when it comes to her. She is such a toxic person and it’s really wearing me down. She doesn’t even realize nor care. My vision seems cloudy and energy sapped when it comes to the future. I feel like I’m drowning over here at times.

Yet for the most part. I have so much to be happy about. I’m getting the intimacy I want from my lover, for now. I mean I’m not so clingy or jealous of her. We have just enough space to miss each other in a good way in my opinion. It seems pretty effortless for now. We laugh, joke, and have fun together. I find myself singing and dancing when I’m over there. I feel more quick witted and we can get each others’ jokes. She likes my body gains and sex is nothing less than amazing. (Yes I know I’m hypocritical at this point, but still, I wouldn’t even be in this situation if STBXW wasn’t such an unfaithful bitch (describing her actions but not meant in a degrading way) to me for so long). My job is going pretty good. My money is decent. I’m spending quality time with kiddo. I’m working out pretty much every day. My body is getting right. My hobbies are still interesting and fun to me. The relationships with my family and friends are pretty good. Bills paid on time.

But all of this sunshine seems blotted out by this one dark cloud that’s hanging over me. If she just didn’t live with me. She could do whatever the fuck she wants to do, just not while living in the house with me. Is that really too much to ask? Hell, there is no way in the HELL I’d want to be with a woman who’s so fucking self centered. I think she’s patently and genuinely ignorant and selfish. We don’t even have much in common. yet I feel judged by her (probably because I judge her so much). I feel a certain way if I play video games when she’s around. Then there is the awkward silence between us. I’m not much of a talker to her, and it brings old feelings of insecurity from back when I was shy and couldn’t think of anything to say. In a way, I feel that if I made her laugh more consistently, then maybe she’d be more open to fixing things. It’s as if deep down, I blame myself for that part. Perhaps it’s why (in addition to the cheating, trust, and communication issues we have), I silently judge her for being lazy, unclean, and hypocritical. She blames the problem on me being content in life(which in certain ways, she’s right). I am a pretty simply guy and I don’t feel the need to “build an empire” just for fucks sake. I’m not materialistic as far as needing a new Mercades Benz, designer clothes, expensive vacays, or a big fancy house on the hill. But I do understand that most women are attracted to “ambitious” and wealthy men.

But I think she’s a hypocrite because she hasn’t exactly done anything to “level up” since she got her master’s degree a few years ago. Hell she hasn’t even worked since last summer even though her “job” is in high demand right now.

I know that this isn’t the type of energy I need in my life. I don’t like judging people to this degree. It’s not healthy. As they saying goes……holding on to anger is like eating poison and hoping that someone else will get sick from it.

How can I know all of this intellectually, but yet and still suffer so much internally. Falling for and marrying the wrong broad can definitely fuck your life up. The worst part is that she will probably never be able to understand how much all of this is hurting me. I think that I can eventually forgive her ignorance, but she needs to give me the chance to heal. I’m tired of thinking about this. I’m pretty scared of falling in love right now. I fear falling for the wrong one again…..or that a woman I fall for might switch up on me like the STBXW would. It’s hell trying to get over it. God forbid we have a kid or two.

I need a drink.

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