Letting Go

Spent an amazing day with my lover and I’m afraid that I may have to let her go. She loves me and wants to be with me on a relationship/marriage tip. I really love her too, but I’m just not sure if I can measure up to the expectations she has for a husband.

Even though she says all of the right things, I’m not sure if I truly believe it. I just feel that she deserves better if I’m honest. She has her shit together…..finance wise way more than I do. I see myself as more or less a free spirit. Good intentions, but not prepared to take her on. If I were wealthy, then I could see myself giving it a go.

She might be blowing it with the guy she went on the date with. Maybe she isn’t really giving him a fair shake because of her lust for me. Our sex is amazing. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts. We do have a real friendship and I really do care for her well being.

It’s addictive. I hate that I seem to be so good, yet so bad for her at the same time. The best thing to do is to leave her alone. I mean, I don’t know dude, but it would appear that he might be willing to give her the ring and big wedding she wants.

Dunno. Maybe I’m expressing insecurity, but I just would like to be what I think she deserves. Though not perfect (who is?) I just want her to be happy. I don’t know that we could be that while doing real life together. I know that money and finances aren’t everything…..but as of now she makes really good money and it does matter to women….no matter what she says. What would her family and friends think. I mean, how could I love her without losing respect from her in the context of marriage right now?

Financially, I do ok. I am independent. I’m comfortable. I’m not poor, but comfortably middle class. But I also have a kid and I haven’t made the steps to get divorced from my failed marriage. It makes me believe that she deserves better. But if I do come up, my financial luck changes, I’d scoop her up bcuz id know that she didn’t love me just for my money. Ironically making me feel like she is a jewel who does deserve better even more.

Dunno. It’s just on my mind. Love is a drug man.

I have to concede that I’m making changes. I never thought I could consider dealing with a woman knowing that she had relations with another man so recently. Yet I did and didn’t even feel terrible about it. Just knowing that she wants me so bad is a turn on.

On the flip side. My wife’s phone received a text notification at 3am this morning. Dunno why I got so mad about it. I really shouldn’t care. But it really set me off. She wouldn’t tell me who it was so I’m assuming that it was some guy. When pressed, she said, “I don’t want to tell you.” when asked why, she goes: “I can’t control who or when someone texts me.”

Like bruh. Noone is going to just randomly text you at 3am on a Monday morning. You had to be have been in communication with him. Whomever he is. Of course, more lies. She could have at least let me see who it was, what they said, and then let me see her reply back something to the effect of never texting her again. But either she’s lying or even IF she’s telling the truth, it shows that she still chooses to maintain deception. If I hadn’t heard it, I wouldn’t have even known about it.

I know this is hypocrisy at it’s finest. However, she doesn’t seem to care and I never have to lie about my situation. She literally never asks. If she knows, then why wouldn’t she bring it up when I”m talking my shit. Man, I know that I really need to leave her be. I just don’t know why I get so mad.

I’m thinking that this must be a respect thing. I don’t want to be with her at all. We’re at a point where I see NO redeeming qualities about her. If it is true that my thoughts and feelings about her are going to keep manifesting bullshit which confirms the negative view I have of her, I can only expect things to get worse. I really dislike her though. I blame her for being so gotdamn evil, cruel and wicked. I can’t help it it seems. It’s so fucking dysfunctional.

She literally won’t or either can’t communicate. She’s deceitful. Lazy. Has terrible sex. Shallow. Ignorant. Selfish. Immature (more than me even). Nasty (always farting, leaving unclean underwear around). Her laugh is extra loud and annoying as fuck. Illogical. Says really stupid things and means them. “It’s more respectful to cheat behind your back than in your face.” Makes pop phrases common in her conversation. Crude. Disloyal (to a treacherous degree). Always tired and sleepy. Materialistic. Thinks that vacationing is the same as travelling. Emotionally devoid. I could keep writing, but in a way, I don’t feel so great about feeling these things about her.

I guess I’m just venting as I really can’t talk to anyone about this. Noone wants to hear my complaints or either already expect these things from her. I don’t know man. I never thought that I could end up here. Is it me? I mean gotdamned. I’m not perfect, but still, I don’t think I deserve this hell. Or maybe I do. Is she really that terrible? Am I exaggerating this? Is this mostly in my head? It seems bad though. I promise, I never felt so much disillusionment like this for anyone like this before. I’ve never had as much dislike for anyone my whole life. I have never been this judgemental. Not saying that I liked everyone I met, but I never felt so much anger/hurt/disappointment/confusion/judgment/contempt. I actually feel a bit bad about it. It feels toxic in a way. But I’m not sorry that I feel that way.

And to make matters even worse. She won’t argue back. She won’t defend herself. Or if she attempts to do so, the responses are so terrible that I can’t believe that she went with that as a counter argument. Sometimes it feels like I’m her dad lecturing her and being too hard on her or something. It really feels like we shouldn’t really be talking about these kinds of things at this age. Like, we both know that this behavior isn’t ok….right? I mean I really shouldn’t have to tell an adult that they’re being disrespectful. I sometimes feel confused because I don’t know this is just a manipulative tactic or if she really does not get it. Is she really this ignorant or is she just trying to throw me off? I mean it might explain how she could possibly have never considered that despite the constant complaints about her fucking up, her lack of sex, me not asking for it anymore, and lack of trying….that I wouldn’t find something on the side? I mean does she know, but just not care. But why wouldn’t she say ANYTHING about that and choose bad arguments instead? I’m either grossly overestimating her social intelligence or terribly underestimating her manipulative ability. She’s either really smart or really stupid. I don’t like these games. I wonder if I’m becoming toxic my damned self at this point.

Maybe it’s another reason why I think that I’m still so guarded with my lover. I can’t give anyone the chance to get this close to be able to hurt me so deeply again. Maybe I am damaged. I suppose that I am toxic to her in certain ways. I mean she actually had sex with another guy the same week she had sex with me. She says that she feels bad about doing that. I believe her. I know that she did what she felt like she had to do. But fuck how we “feel” about it, why in the fuck did our circumstances end up where she even felt justified in doing such a thing.

I need to get away from them both and heal myself before I get hurt more and end up hurting her more. It feels like I’m losing myself sometimes.

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