Flip Side

So over the weekend, my lover had a “date”. After he left, she called and was honest about pretty much everything. Yeah, they had sex. I expected it. It was one of those things where I didn’t know how I’d react once I found out. I wasn’t really all that upset with her. I understood why, hell, I probably would have done the same thing.

She says that he’s so nice. Almost too nice. According to her, he wanted to wait to have sex. But I know she gets lusty when she drinks. She told me they did, but it sucked. She also told me he was boring. But the guy has a nice corporate job and is marriage minded.

I told her that good sex is great and all, but it can’t be a deal breaker. But to her point, I guess that attraction and sex is important in a relationship. I wonder if we didn’t have such an intense connection, if she would have given him a chance.

I encouraged her do what she feels is right for her and that I’d have her back regardless. I love her and I want her to be happy with or without me. I just know don’t think that I’m marriage minded. I couldn’t see myself getting out of my marriage and jumping into a relationship even though the stbxw and I are basically just married on paper and have been that way for a few years now. I don’t know what she’s going to choose moving forward.

It feels weird. On one hand I missed her. But I can’t see myself married to her. Not that she’s a bad person. We’re good for having fun together. Not for doing real life though. Her lifestyle is so different, in ways so much better than mine in a financial sense. Someone would have to be the responsible one and neither of us are really that. We’d drink and get fucked up all the time. I feel that I’d just drag her down and ultimately, she’d end up hating me for it. She claims that the money isn’t an issue. I don’t think it is now, but it might be in the future. I really don’t feel like I’m good enough to marry her. I’d want to do more. Financially, I’m ok, but I wouldn’t be adding anything to her. If she’s still around when I get my millions, then maybe?

Normally, I never thought that I’d want to ahve sex with a woman after she had sex with another guy so recently. It’s weird that I’m not so bothered by it with her. I don’t see her any differently. Not to say that I want it to become a habit with her. But as far as I know, I’m the only guy she had sex with since I met her. And she’s been pretty honest. I love her as friend. A true friend. It goes beyond just sex and relationships. In a way, she’s like a sister or something. I wish me and stbxw could have had a real friendship and good will towards each other. Love taught me that sex is great, but perhaps I was too rigid about the importance of it. Then again, I still wouldn’t want my WIFE to have sex with other men.

As for my stbxw. I don’t know what’s to her. I know that she gets tired of me always bitching at her about everything. It was her birthday weekend, so me and kiddo did get her something and made a special dinner for her. It turned out pretty good.

The problem is that she’s so damned illogical. She won’t communicate. I get tired of kicking her down all the time. Even if I try to say positive things, she just won’t communicate.

While obvious, she isn’t interested in fixing the marriage, I’m just pissed about the lack of honest communication. It’s like we’re stuck in a rut spinning our wheels. We could be doing so much better if she’d just stop being so uncooperative. It was a four day weekend and both of us were off and have money. It also happened to be valentines day and her birthday. Despite covid being out, we could have gone somewhere on vacation like ya know….normal couples.

It’s strange that my lover would be willing to work on a relationship, but my wife isn’t. The stbxw doesn’t seem to care that we have a family on the line. My lover thinks that I want the wife. And she’s not completely wrong. I want my family and I want my son to grow up in a home with both parents. STBXW just so happens to be in that role. But it’s not like i’m exactly happy or desire stbxw….if that makes sense.

I don’t understand how she could…..on one hand say that she believes in the importance of a nuclear home, but at the same time, won’t do anything to try to fix the mess she put us in. My pride is too damaged to attempt to rebuild anything. I don’t trust her. But she’s doing almost nothing to reach out and build the gap.

How could she just check out and give up on us? It’s bigger than her or me. If it was just “us” then I could see it, but how could she be so callous about kiddo? Not to mention that the sex is just terrible……mostly nonexistent…. even worse when compared with my lover. I wonder if she caught an STD or something. I mean seriously, how can a grown ass woman just not have sex…..unless she’s getting it from someone else. I’m a pretty attractive looking guy so even if she didn’t want me as a husband….i’d think that we could have sex sometimes. It would probably bring us closer together…..as sex does tend to have that effect on people. It didn’t used to be so terrible until she started her affairs.

At times i just wish that she’d just leave. Why does she have to make things so difficult. Why is she just being a bitch about everything? Everything has to be a gotdamned joke to her. We can’t even really have fun anymore. How can she just know that she’s being a bitch and not care? What happened to her? She won’t defend herself nor her actions. She won’t offer any explanations. She won’t debate, argue, minister about anything. Just sit there and take it.

I hate how it makes me feel. I’m not her father so I hate lecturing her about how to properly treat people. Conversation is pointless. She just sits there silently listening. Talk about a mind fuck!!! Why is she so damned stupid? I mean how could I have missed it. Did she change or was she always like that? It’s another reason why I’d fear getting married again. If someone could change so radically and not give a fuck….. I mean just check out when we have a kid and family on the line…..Why would I risk putting them through that. WTF is going on in her head? It’s beyond frustrating. Made more so by the fact that she seems to have some conceptual understanding of right and wrong. She even admitted that she wouldn’t want a woman to put kiddo through this.

This has been going to for too got damned long. I have to get divorce papers drawn. This isn’t good for my mental health. Who knows what damage we’re doing to kiddo.

All women cannot be like this. Many are for sure. But of all the ones I could have chosen…..i pick the pretty girl with serious mental issues. Or maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I should just chill. Maybe I shouldn’t mention how she’s constantly pissing me off. I’m just frustrated and angry at her lack of cooperation. Why does she seem so fucking evil to me? I’m just frustrated right now.

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