Overcoming Trauma

The outward world is a manifestation of your inward beliefs. At least according to some spiritual gurus.

I’ve noticed a marked difference in my behavior around different people based on our “vibe.” There are some people I can talk to all day about anything and the conversation just flows. With others, I have to struggle a bit, but we can have pretty good interactions. However with others, we can’t get anything going and it feels cringy.

As of late, I’ve been consciously saying to myself right before or during an interaction things like. “I like you, you like me. This is going to turn out well.” or I’ll think “We’re going to have a good conversation.” And it usually does!!! I don’t have to force it. Hell, I’ll often forget that said it during the interaction. But looking back afterwards, we generally have good interactions.

I’m setting something up here so bear with me.

If I imagined beforehand how my ex lover would look satisfied after sex with me….and how I would feel at THAT moment before we met up. She would show me that. I didn’t have to say anything. It was as if the positive expectation and assumptions would create that positive outcome. More specifically, the positive expectation of the feeling fulfilled. It’s not like i had to keep thinking about it during our interaction/sex. It just happened.

Based on the way she speaks of our sexual chemistry, I can’t help but think that she believes it subconsciously as well.

Succintly put, our expectations and assumptions are manifested into reality in the measure by which we believe them.

We need to take a couple of things into consideration here when I speak about “measure”.

1)We may have mix of positive and negative assumptions / expectations

2)Some of these expectations and assumptions (positive or negative) are subconsious.

You’ll generally see outcomes that satisfy (to some degree) the totality of these positive and negative assumptions and expectations. As result, for the most part, things are rarely as good or as bad as you expect them to be. But if you had no previous expectations, then positive outcomes result with positive expectations…..likewise with negative.

We all manifest and create our reality based on our assumptions. We normally do this on autopilot based on our subconscious expectations and assumptions. Our subconscious thoughts are already programmed by our experiences and interpretation of those experiences. That said though. Thinking is a bit like breathing. We normally put it on autopilot. But, at any moment, we can consciously control the process.

The same as with manifestation. Although we can consciously control it <and I’ll get to HOW> later, we normally allow it to run on autopilot.

As simple as it sounds to control what we manifest, it’s not quite that easy. It does take a bit of conscious effort. It also takes a bit of self reflection and self honesty. I’ll give a couple of examples.

I used to be really shy and had difficulty talking to people. I eventually grew out of shyness, but I’m still a bit of an introvert. Not surprisingly, I’ve always had difficulty with “cold approaching” women. It wasn’t necessarily the fear of rejection that prevented me from “shooting my shot.” But the fear that my brain just wouldn’t think of ANYTHING appropriate to say.

In order to overcome this, I’d run scenarios in my head as if what would I say and How would she’d react. It generally always ended up (in my imagiation) that she’d reject me. Not in a cold or bad way, but in an “i’m not interested” or “i have a boyfriend” type of way.

I had already concluded subconsciously that she wouldn’t be interested, but it wouldn’t be too awkward.

Invariably whenever I did work up the balls to talk to one, it generally ended up being exactly like that. There were a few exceptions, but for the most part, it generally ended up….not as bad as I’d expected (as I assumed the fear was just nerves), but not quite as good as I’d liked (getting her number and her interest). My assumptions and expectations were fulfilled. What I said to her specifically didn’t matter. It is more about how I felt and what I expected to happen.

Another example is with boxing. Though I am pretty decent. There are times where I feel that against certain people, I can’t quite get their number and figure them out. However, if before class, I imagine a scenario where I hear someone say “Wow you’ve gotten better.” I usually either figure out some technique during the time or recall something in the middle of a sparring session that ends up with them dapping me up and saying “good job.” or I just wouldn’t have the opportunity to spar that person that night. It’s actually not about me hearing them say “Wow, you’ve gotten better.” that i’m desiring. But it is the feeling of how I’d feel when I hear them say it that manifests itself.

I realize that all of this could be coincidental. Or maybe I’m counting all of the hits while ignoring the misses. But it seems to be working for me for now and I’m going to run with it.

Another example is the amazing sex sessions I previously spoke about with my lover. I never knew about this, positive expectation/assumption thing before I met her….. so results in the past with previous lovers have been varied. I’d imagine it was based on how I felt overall at the time.

All of that said. I’m starting to conclude that most of the issue with my stbxw has a lot to do with my assumptions and expectations on her.

After being hurt, blindsided, and betrayed by her, I am expecting it. I assume that she doesn’t respect me. I assume that she isn’t attracted to me. I assume that she’s devoid of understanding and lacks emotional intelligence. I also assume that she isn’t ALWAYS cheating, but she can start back at any given time. I assume that she’s going to reject me for sex. And it generally always plays itself out. And I assume that I’m going to feel inadequate because I can’t attract her. And it happens. Since me and my ex lover called things off, (and I’m horny) I consciously created a scenario where I’d get oral from the stbx. I also assumed it would be weird. She offered it once, but I rejected her. Literally pushed her off and said. I’m just joking. The second time, I assumed it would be weird….and it was as weird as I figured it would be. It’s a self repeating self fulfiling prophecy. Before, I was ignorantly subconsiously creating it. But now, it would appear that I can consciously create what I want.

I’m saying all of this to say that I’m a believer in this stuff. I’m thinking that I could possibly fix things with her using these laws….. but I don’t really want to. I’m not motivated by her. I’ve created scenarios in my mind where I don’t respect her. I’m not attracted to her. And now, she says and does things that really turn me off towards her. Her actions line up generally with what I expect. I expect her to be unattracted and turned off by me. As a result I feel and act self conscious and unattractive when I’m around her. Thus fulfilling my assumptions and expectations….most of this is subconscious btw.

This is a result of the trauma she put me in. My assumptions and expectations are based on fear of getting hurt again. They act in a way to protect me from that. My subconscious mind is programmed. I don’t trust her. (Again, this assumption will continue to play itself out if i leave it unchecked). But it’s like I find comfort in this space….despite it being toxic for me and overall mental well-being.

I shouldn’t rely on my unconscious interpretation of the external world to create my inner sense of happiness and peace. The happenings /outcomes are just vehicles to get me to the destination of the “feeling” i’d like to have. Currently, I expect feelings of hurt and disappointment subconsciously and I am getting exactly that.

My experience of her is an mirror. It is a reflection of conscious and subconscious assumptions and expectations that I have about her manifesting itself into my reality. The unconsious interpretation of this results in the “feeling” that I expect to have. In that measure. In this case, it’s an undesired feeling.

This is an example of how we can manifest bad things into our lives if left on autopilot.

Confidence therefore is having positive expectations for a positive outcome. Fear is the positive expectation of a negative outcome. Faith is maintaining positive assumptions despite being unable to presently see the desired outcome. Doubt is maintaining negative assumptions despite presently not experiencing the undesired outcome.

I’ve consciously and subconsiously lost confidence and faith in her. But the biggest issue isn’t losing faith in her. It really all about me. I’m giving her too much power over my experience. I am allowing my fear/anger/hurt….etc to dicatate how I feel about myself and ability to create a more desirable outcome. I am allowing fear to create Fear and Doubt which manifests itself into disappointment and failure.

Overcoming this is hard. Very hard. There is something within me that is totally irrational when it comes to having feelings of “good faith” towards her. It’s like I’d rather suffer than extend an olive branch, even if it means that this might be a pathway to inner peace. So i suppose I haven’t forgiven her yet.

I don’t really know WHAT i want from her at this point. I need to figure that part out. But until I overcome this trauma (subconsciously and consciously)…..I’m going to continue to dwell in this hell of insecurity and negative feelings. But I got this.

This understanding should help me overcome.

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