Two weekends in a row and no communication. I guess it’s safe to say she’s my ex lover. I’m sort of sad about it, but not really. It didn’t take too long to get over her, i mean i do sort of miss her. But this is nothing compared to what I went through in my marriage. And it’s another example of why long term fwb’s can work out better in the end.

We both knew that this day would come sooner or later, so in a way, we were both prepared. Plus, we were honest (for the most part) about everything. I’m not angry nor hurt and I don’t think that she is either. I think that she does kind of miss me in the same way. But, she has someone to soften the blow and cure the loneliness. In a way, I sort of have the STBXW around the house and she’s acting somewhat repentant. Or should I say, I don’t think she’s “seeing” anyone right now. I still don’t trust her and do realize that this is probably a temporary thing though. It’s dangerous as I find myself letting my guard down around her.

Had me and my lover (over the last 3 years) gotten engaged, married, and moved in together, we’d be the cause and cure of a huge level of stress in each other’s lives. It’s really a testament of how disconnected STBXW is that I could have had a half “relationship” on the side and she had no clue about it. At least she NEVER mentioned it despite me talking all the big shit in the world about her affair(s). I digress, the truth of it is that exlover and I just weren’t compatible for a serious long term relationship. Drinking, sex, and having fun were at the core of our friendship. I don’t know how it lasted as long as it did if I’m honest. U can’t underestimate great sex and loneliness i suppose. Plus it helped keep our body counts down. So that’s something positive.

I hope the best for her.

As for me, I don’t know. I now realize that the stbxw and I are also incompatible for many reasons. Ironically, had it not been for her, I might have made the same mistake of trying to marry or get serious about the ex lover.

Compatibility and chemistry are so important in relationships. It’s the foundation that will bring u back together if things happen to fall apart. Once honeymoon phase lust wears off, it’s the thing that will help propel you into the next level of love. It keeps you from acting upon the instinct of “loving, but not being in love” with someone. Of course, character communication and integrity also play key roles too. Unfortunately, I don’t see those things in our marriage.

So I get that I’m a stand in to my STBXW (as I was to my lover) until the next thing comes along. In a way, if I’m honest, she is a stand in too. I mean, if I were to find a woman who i felt a personal chemistry /attraction with…and it was mutual…..at this point, I’d probably pursue it. Before her affair and subsequent betrayals, i believe that I would have shut it down immediately.

We’re with each other for the kid and convenience for now. I have to take ownership in some of this as I chose not to do more in order to leave. I did try though and really STBXW keeps coming back out of convenience. So if i find someone who I can really vibe with on a greater level, what reasons would I have to stay? STBXW isn’t really showing any repentance. I keep being a passive aggressive asshole to her for that fact. I could probably eventually forgive her for what she did (I’m not AS mad about it anymore), but she gives me no reason to trust her. Plus the sex is as sparse, weird, and bad as ever. But to her credit, I don’t feel as confident towards her. Due to so much rejection I expect it before even asking. As a result, I am not as attracted nor do I make any real effort anymore. I don’t like feeling like I have no game when it comes to her as it manifests in the unflattering that way I behave when we’re together. Negative expectations/assumptions = negative outcomes.

I hate the way she makes me feel about myself sexually. Contrasted with how I loved the way I felt about myself sexually with my exlover. It was motivational in certain ways. I brought us closer together. Perhaps I am co-dependent in that way. I like who likes me, otherwise, I’m not really interested. Dunno what to say. Her brutal affair on top of all of that doesn’t help much either.

I could see fucking her, but definitely not making love. No kissing, holding, hugging or intimacy. No massages or pillow talk. Minimal eye contact. It would almost be like giving a ho some money and saying let’s just get to it. I’m not worried about getting her off. This is not good for a marriage. I love intimacy, so this doesn’t work so well for me. And i could also imagine that the sex would be pretty bad for her as well. We’re really just biding time with each other until something better comes along.

So just as with my ex lover, I’m playing a game of chicken where one of us is bound to crash and burn. Perhaps knowing this is beneficial as hopefully, if she finds someone first (as my lover did), I won’t be mad /hurt/ angry/ upset by it as I was the first few times. But at least me and my lover had some fun sex on the way.

How the fuck did i end up here?