Letting Go

It’s funny how life works sometimes. My lover and I have decided to cool it off for a bit as she was introduced to some guy who is interested in getting to know her for the purpose of possibly getting married. I don’t want to hold her back from a chance at achieving this, so we’re playing it cool.

We didn’t see each other this weekend. I asked to come by Friday and she said no. But then she called me at midnight the next night and wanted me to come by. I didn’t answer the phone since i was up gaming with kiddo. We did talk the next day and she says she was drunk and was missing me, but it was good that I didn’t answer as she wanted me to come by.

She’s trying to do “right” by this guy so I understand. She told me that they’ve been talking on the phone a lot and he’s supposed to flying in to visit her for valentine’s day weekend. In a way, it’s a bit of relief as i don’t have to worry about doing something for her. Not that i’d mind, but given the state of our relationship status, I don’t know what’s appropriate. That’s the confusing part about “situationships”. It sometimes feels like a relationship, but the rules are a bit different. It’s based on trust (from a sex perspective) but not on a commitment to be together.

Besides, I don’t want to marry her right now, nor be in a relationship. I guess that all sexual relationships don’t have to end up with yelling and screaming. I really love her as a friend….to the point I’d be willing to let go of our sexual relationship for the chance at seeing her be happy. It’s not even that hard to do, but I think that I’m going to miss hanging out with her and the sex. It’s so weird though. I don’t want to let her go on a certain level, but I can’t hold her back. Short term it sucks, but long term, I think that it’s for the best as she could never blame me for holding her back.

Though we often joked that our ‘relationship’ was toxic, I do think that we are handling this as maturely as possible. At least we got a chance to enjoy some “toxic relationship” sex without tearing each other down in the process. As I sit here waiting for her to return a text back to me, I know that sooner or later, one of us is gong to have to cut the cord. So I’m not really tripping if i don’t hear back. I don’t feel rejected and I respect her for being honest about everything.

That said, I actually had the opportunity to spend the whole weekend with STBXW and kiddo. Man, that chick is cray cray. No seriously. We got a chance to talk and she really hasn’t learned her lesson about cheating and infidelity. She is ignorantly selfish and/or highly manipulative. It’s like she doesn’t get the concept about self respect. It’s like she somewhat conceptually understands ‘why’ I’m angry and don’t trust her, but thinks that we should move somewhere to start over.

After recalling the worst events of her affair(s) and then telling her for the umpteenth time why I don’t trust her….and why I couldn’t respect myself even if I wanted to still work on things, it’s still like she doesn’t get it. Her go to phrase for the weekend. “Couples go through things sometimes.” I’m like naah bih, you put us through something. These are red flags and signs that she’d do it again. I already don’t trust her and her reactions/responses still reek of an unloyal and unstable person. This is why i’m willing to believe that she’s actually ignorantly selfish as opposed to manipulative. A manipulative person would have given much better answers.

Her seeming inability to empathize with the concept of self respect in this situation shows me that she lacks it herself. I can’t expect her to respect me (or our marriage) if she doesn’t understand how to respect herself. It helps explain how she was able to betray me so savagely and how she didn’t lose much sleep over it. Or why she’s still so unrepentant. She hasn’t gotten the lesson. So again, it boils down to me not trusting her. I’m still struggling to forgive and heal. But this does indeed confirm to me that she just can’t be trusted.

I hate to do comparisons between a lover and a spouse. I’d imagine that people see their lover with rose tinted glasses. But I’d be remiss to say that I respect my lover’s decision and honesty. Despite not necessarily liking her decision. I respect and understand it. To me, that’s a foundation of friendship that if i were to ever be in a relationship again, I’d cherish. I do suppose that what the stbxw’s communication is sincere if not short sighted. But still, she has shown that her ideals on loyalty and respect is a little to crass for my taste. At least for what I’d be looking for in a long term serious relationship let alone a marriage.

That said, I’d rather be single for now than to just have anybody. Plus, the sex is garbage anyway and i suppose it’s to be expected from a selfish ass person. Semen retention isn’t too hard to practice with her around as I’m not that interested anymore anyway. Among many lesson’s I’ve learned from my lover is that sex and intimacy with someone who’s just as giving (and attracted) is infinitely better.

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