Pointless Conversation

The wife has moved back in for now. She says that she’s waiting for them to process some paperwork in order for her to begin her travel assignment. Seems a bit odd that it’s taking so long given the pandemic and need for all hands on deck in her field. But hey, I don’t ask too many questions to her these days.

I really hate having her there and am tempted to kick her out. But she has contributed towards the rent for the last few months and so I guess she does have a right to be there. I don’t know if she’ll continue to pay once she moves out, but she did recompensate me for some of the months she wasn’t there. Maybe it’s fair that I allow here in.

We’re taking turns sleeping on the couch though she suggested that we both sleep in the same bed. Nah, I’d prefer not. We don’t talk much, but when we do (at her suggestion), I find myself doing all of the talking. Even if I shut up and let her talk, she says something so stupid that I have bite my tongue. Or she simply won’t say anything at all. She’ll just sit there and look like a deer in headlights, say “um, um” and say some obvsious shit like we need to do something. From me, there No small talk or anything, but it’s generally about how I’m angry, how fucked up I think she treated me, and so forth. Things she’s heard a million times. I tell her that she needs to decide where she wants to move and then perhaps we can talk about custody or something. It’s been on the table for a while now. I know that I can’t rely on her to figure it out, so once again, it’s on me to figure it out. Although it doesn’t help that she doesn’t listen any of my advice as far as her moving out and deciding from there. Despite this, she implies that perhaps WE should move and that a change may be necessary to get out of this rut. She also says she’s on the fence about moving to her hometown or staying here.

She isn’t apologetic as I’d like for her to be and a bit delusional. She wanted me to watch a youtube video where the guy wanted to leave some woman, but she (the woman) wanted to stay together. The woman’s reasoning was that she had invested A LOT into the relationship and that she was a good woman to him. The judge told the woman that you can’t make someone be with you who doesn’t want to be with you. My STBXW replayed the video in earshot of me and said that I should take a listen.

The nerve of this chick. She said that I was acting like that woman at one point. That I was trying to keep her somewhere she didn’t to be. I don’t remember being in that mind frame, though I did tell her a few times that I thought that she owed it to me, our son, and our family to have at least “tried” to work on things before she blindsided me with an affair.

I mean, I can’t lie, perhaps I did want to preserve things in the beginning, mostly for the sake of the family. I never saw it coming. We didn’t argue about much and from my perspective, had a pretty decent marraige. But a month or two in, and doing research, I started to realize that this was probably an exit affair. The worst kind in my opinion. She wanted to test the waters with the new guy and use us as a safety net.

This does explain the lack of any effort on her behalf to make up or apologize for cheating and gaslighting me. Still though, the way she treated me like complete and utter garbage for this guy has since made me reconsider her character. Obviously the trust is broken and she has made no real effort to repair it. While she has made no concrete mentions of reconciliation, I’m cool with that. I don’t want her back at all.

I don’t know what makes her think that we’re cool after all of that. I don’t want to be her friend. She has made no effort to apologize to me for hurting me as a friend. As I told her…..she didn’t owe it to me to stay married, but she did owe me respect as a friend, husband, kid’s father, and someone who was there for her to exit the relationship without being so evil about it.

Her only response was that she felt like I was trying to keep her somewhere she didn’t want to be. She said that she grew resentful because she felt I was trying to “trap” her. I mean hello, we were married and had a family, I mean how could she have expected me to just be cool with her breaking up the thing I loved so much without at least trying to talk her out of it in the beginning. However, in spite of that fact, I never once told her not to leave. I told her that she just couldn’t be there cheating on me and I wasn’t going for it. Though looking back, all of my protesting was in vain.

Things around the house are pretty much the same. She doesn’t clean, barely cooks (usually ordering takeout), won’t walk or feed the dog (hers btw). I mean come on, the excuse of working hard and resting on her day(s) off isn’t there anymore as she hasn’t worked since August. It’s up to me. After being at work for 10 hours, hitting the gym, going to boxing, and then coming home to clean up. I’m still washing and steaming kiddo’s clothes for the week and pretty much doing everything around there. On the weekend, I’m driving ride share and bringing in more money part time.

It isn’t like this is “wifely” duties. It’s just adulting 101. I know that I paint her in a horrible light, but most people don’t see this side of her. Most probably think that she’s ya know….normal. But I don’t really know her friends like that and I don’t really discuss her with the inlaws.

Reconciliation is slim to nil at this point as her character is lacking in a lot of fundamental ways. At least for me anyway. In a way, I guess she’s right. We are on different pages. Loyalty, cleanliness, and family values are important to me. I may not be as ‘ambitious’ as she’d like. I’ll take ownership of that. But I’m working on it. Not for her, but for me.

Meanwhile, I worry sometimes that her simply being there is hampering my healing process. It’s really not a good look for kiddo to see us occupy such a small space and not joke around or even talk to each other. I don’t want him to normalize this. I have to take responsibility as a man to do something. It seems that hiding her infidelity and desire to not be married from him isn’t helping long run. I didn’t want to ruin their relationship by telling him the truth, but maybe that’s a short sighted view. I just don’t know how to do it. I mean, I don’t want to stay with her either, but how can I explain to him in a kid appropriate way that we don’t want to be with each other.

I’ve done my dirt. I took the low road and took on a lover. Though that might be coming to an end any day now. At least I never had to lie about it as she has never asked in detail. I’ve admitted it in passing, but she never asks for detail which is another reason I know that STBXW doesn’t gaf about me.

She’s lost. She doesn’t know where she wants to live. She can’t convince me to move with her. She doesn’t want to live here. (Even though here is a great place job wise, growth wise, entertainment wise, affordability, safety wise, location wise, and diversity wise). Perhaps one of the best in the country from what I hear…especially to raise a kid.

I have to figure out how to pony up the money to get this divorce underway as to prevent things like her living there from happening. Deep down, subconsciously, there is a small part of me that hopes that the light will come on and she gets it…..that she is tearing down her own family. Time has shown me that if she hasn’t gotten it yet, then she probably won’t.

I don’t think she’s lost an ounce of sleep over this since she started her first affair. Intellectually I know that she ain’t gonna change. And even if I decided to try to reach out and try to build things back up, I don’t trust her enough to put my heart and emotions in it. I can’t be fake either. I have no desire to make her happy. Sex isn’t really a consideration. Not even just plain fucking. I don’t want to touch her. Though not quite disgusted, after having to contrast the amazing mind blowing sex with my lover and the paltry pity sex she gave me a few times since her affair, I’m not interested AT ALL.

It’s been so long since we made love, I wonder if it was really ever that good. I mean it went from being new to being with someone i really loved, so I can’t really say. Looking back, I guess it was ok. But still not quite like my lover. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that my lover and I had no expectations of each other, plus IDC what you say, drunk sex is the best. At least with us anyway. It’s cool how we can get fucked up, act a fool, and then just go at it. She mentioned this to me and I agree.

That’s neither here nor there, me and my lover have too many differences for a relationship, plus I’m not interested in marriage nor a relationship for that matter, so I understand why she is open to exploring her options. She’s amazing, but I just don’t feel that I’m the right man for her. But we can’t deny the sexual chemistry which makes it so hard to give it up sometimes.

Anyway, I gotta do something to get out. Perhaps her paperwork will come through. I do fear at times that if stbxw did come to her senses, and really tried reconciliation, I’d be too weak to resist. Not saying that it would be easy, nor that I’d take her back. Perhaps we could be ‘amicable’ some day. At one time I was open to possibly having casual sex with her one day, but given the way she hurt me and her unrepentant attitude, i can’t see it happening. It would be too weird. I really can’t imagine it without my stomach churning.

No trust, no sex, and no respect. Plus she hurt me bad…..nah man, this thing is over.

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