Bitter or Better

I have to stop having conversations about romance and love with people. I’m such a skeptic. While I do believe in real love (somewhat) in romantic sense, I’m more realistic about it. I don’t know if I could ever allow myself to love anyone to the depth that I loved my STBEW. It just hurts too damned bad if they cheat and betray you. Plus NOONE ever thinks that their spouse/best friend would do them like that. Being blindsided and cheated on by a wife has got to be easily in the top 3 most hurtful things that can happen to a man if he loves her.

Whoever said that “it’s better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all” must have been an incel or something. The only good thing about it is having the first hand knowledge of how indescribably painful it is so that you can know it. Then again, I don’t need to be a heroin addict to understand how fucked and hard getting clean is.

As a recovering man who once loved a woman with his heart, I’d wish that all men knew the risks involved with dealing with someone on that level. Sure, there are always risks, but I’m telling most men, you’d never think that it would hurt that bad.

I never thought that my wife would betray me, but even in my worst nightmare where she did, I never thought that it would hurt as nearly as bad. I felt gutted. Like something inside of me was being ripped apart. I felt pain. Like imagine a terrible toothache, but instead of being localized at the tooth, it was all over your body. You feel an intense pain, but it’s not coming from specific area in the body. It’s a surreal experience to have so much pain without a physical cause. I never felt anything like that before.

And there is NOTHING you can do to stop it. At least there is tylenol or advil with a toothache, but there is nothing but pure, unending, raw pain that you can’t can’t do anything to relieve. Hell is supposed to be a place of weeping and a gnashing of teeth. I’ve been there and have much better appreciation of that bible verse now. The pain comes in waves of intensity. Like for me, 8 out of 10 was pretty normal at first. It never went away, except for those few minutes in the morning when you first wake up. But sometimes it would drop to a 5 out of 10. The worst of it lasted for a good 8 months for me. I learned to just deal with it through prayer, meditation, being present. A trick I learned was to not fight the pain, but just lean into it so to speak, it still hurt, but took some of the edge off.

Then there is the emotional mood swings. Then there are the triggers, like songs you might hear on the radio, a movie, a random thought, a text notification ding….anything can set it into motion. I considered suicide at one point. Not because of wanting her back, but from just wanting the pain to stop.

They shouldn’t call it heart break. It’s really better described as heart sick.

Maybe this is abnormal. We were married for like 8 years before D day. I truly still loved her and loved our family. I’ve never been an overly emotional person though and usually do a pretty good job under stress or if things don’t go my way, but this kicked my ass badly.

I’ve never felt pain like that and the point is that I never thought it could possibly hurt THAT bad. I’d like to attribute that to loving her so much. But really though, loving someone or being that attached to anyone can’t be healthy. Especially if the fallout is that much pain. I mean I barely cry at funerals.

I was always afraid of doing hard drugs because I feared addiction and heard horror stories of withdrawal. But shit, this was way more intense that I expected. Never again.

Not for me. Though I am tempted in my mind to want to possibly find “the right one” for me. I’m afraid to give them my all. I can’t go through that again. It’s not something, I’d want to risk. People are shitty and you never know who the hell you’re giving your heart to. It’s my responsibility to look out for my mental health. That other person could give a shit about you if they lose attraction or interest in you.

Perhaps I have attachment issues. But either way, love aint for me. That shit hurts way entirely too much for me to handle. It’s like how some people can drink alcohol and be fine, while others get addicted and can’t touch the stuff. Perhaps I have the potential to get addicted to love and that’s the reason I need to avoid it at all costs.

I know myself. Some say that I’m just bitter. But i feel that I know myself better now. So in the end, I guess that counts for something.

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