Had to actually have a conversation with stbxw and it sucked. The more I’m away from her, the harder it is to talk to her. As much as I wish that I could never speak to her again, the reality is that we do have a kid and we have to co-parent. Which unfortunately involves having some contact with each other.

I’m usually pretty chill about people. I’ve never held grudges. Then again, noone has ever come close to hurting me this bad. I really dislike her and I don’t want to forgive her. If someone were to ask “How’s she doing”
… my answer “Fuck her. Next Question.”

And this is part of irrationality. I know that morally, I’m supposed to forgive her. I know that it’s probably the spiritual thing to do. I know that holding on to anger when she’s been moved on hurts me more. I know she isn’t losing any sleep over this. But man fuck her.

Ironically, now I can kind of see how cheaters and adulterers can just say fuck it and not do the right thing. However, I won’t sit here and say that I am a good person. I’m not a good person and I’m ok with that. I don’t care. If i lose sleep over this, it won’t be because i’m beating myself up about not forgiving her.

I have a strong dislike for her. I want nothing to do with her. While apathy is better than hate, I’m a work in progress and not in a rush to get there.

I guess there is no point in questioning why she thinks we could be friends after all she’s done to me. It comes from the same space of irrationality I’m coming from. I don’t want to talk about forgiveness. I don’t want to conform to a higher standard on this. Fuck her and that’s about it.

At least for now.