Single and working on myself

So, it’s been a few weeks since the stbxw moved out and things are slowly, but surely getting into a sense of normality. I haven’t really talked to her much unless it concerns kiddo or bills. In fact, most of the time when she does call, I reply with a text asking her to text me back. I’m not really concerned. Though it’s only been a few weeks, she seems somewhat foreign to me. Like I don’t really know her.

I find that my mind is thinking less and less about her daily. So I guess that progress is being made. This is what I think healing looks like.

My lover. Or should I say ‘ex lover’ hasn’t really taken the time to reach out. She texted like once on Saturday, but didn’t respond to my reply. Though I’ve been contemplating reaching out, I’m thinking she is really wanting to move on. Besides, since I have kiddo full time now as vacation is over, I won’t really have time to deal with her. Despite the red flags i saw in her, I sort of miss her from an egotistical point of view.

Another thing is that she is way better off financially than me. I don’t really bring anything to the table in the way of finances for her. Though she says that it isn’t a problem, all of her friends who are getting married seem to have their finances together. I feel that it would be another problem in the future. Another big red flag is that she doesn’t really know me. She seems to think that I have black and white thinking and have a problem with understanding then nuances of what I tell her. She has completely misrepresented my point of view on numerous occasions. To that point, there really is no way in knowing what she tells her friends about me. I think she thinks that I’m stupid or ignorant or something.

On a side note: Ironically, though being world traveled. She has a view of the world that I find to be a bit disturbing. She believes the entire world is a monolith in their feelings about us “terrible” Americans. She thinks that they are bitter since they have to cater to us. She also thinks that I would not be able to accept their cultures and somehow think that the “American” way is the superior way. I argue that my view about other countries view us is that I imagine that some people love us, some hate us, some are curious, and some are probably indifferent. Hers is that they hate us because we are so arrogant and apparently I don’t know what I’m talking about. She claims that she can’t have the debate with me since I don’t have a passport. I mean really? That’s pretty low . Real, but I’m not still not convinced that the entire world hates us. Besides, who made her the spokesperson for the entire rest of the world anyway? Though I’m not world traveled, I’ve met and talked with people from all over the world. From what I can see, they are like any group of people in the sense that they have as varied views on any given topic (including America) as we do. It’s reasonable to believe that their fellow countrymen are varied in their beliefs. In fact, given my experience of human nature, it is really hard to believe that they ALL have the same views. But wtf do I know. I don’t have a passport. Then again, this is the same girl who was completely shocked that I had issues and certain disagreements with the organization, black lives matter. As if i should just fall in line with their agenda because simply I’m African American.

She also doesn’t like a healthy debate and calls it arguing. If she debates that way, I get it. I don’t think I’d like to either. But there would definitely be problems with communication which is yet another red flag.

However, she was like the methadone to my heroin addiction. A less addictive drug to help wean off the cravings. But i guess it’s time to shake my addiction to that as well. In ways it’s much easier. But there are times where I feel that it sucks for her to be able to just cut me off like that. I am consoled by the fact that it seems that women have a switch in their brains where they can suddenly just stop caring about someone. Or maybe it’s just me. Or maybe neither was right for me.

I’m not lonely per se. Just yet, but I do find myself asking myself what do I want in a woman. As of now, fwb where she likes me more than I like her. To be real, I don’t even want just one woman.

I suffer from cognitive dissonance because I really do want one, but I’m just afraid to get too attached. I figure that 2 or more could keep those types of feelings at bay. I believe that being “in love” is just a recipe for heartbreak. I know that I can get attached too easily, so I always have to keep my guard up. However, I don’t want to be a cheater either. Make that make sense.

Despite being a sweetheart, my lover showed enough red flags and incompatibility that I didn’t get my heart completely caught up. I do miss her at times though.

I also realize that my former mantra of loving those who love me is a bit problematic. Pretty much all of my ex’s made it easy to pursue. This is a problem because it makes it pretty easy for them to also get guys captivated by attention. Once she gets tired, then it’s not hard for her to ‘move on.’ I wonder if my lover has found someone else. I wonder if she ever thinks about me. I don’t really care what my stbxw does anymore. That relationship is dead and I have no interest in reviving it. She never cared for me the way I thought she did and that’s cool. It’s not like we were compatible anyway.

But i am still not ready to talk to her or face her. I don’t know how I’m going to react. I just don’t feel ready to speak to her about anything. I guess I haven’t really moved on yet. Again, using the drug addiction analogy. It would be like finally being able to quit using heroin, understanding how it destroyed my life, but not being ready to be around it. Sometimes I wonder if this is going to be a life long thing, like an alcoholic never being able to take another sip.

We will eventually have to talk about custody and divorce. Unless she takes action first, it might take me a few months before I’m actually ready to have a heavy conversation with her.

I was a bit worried that I might slack off on working out as part of the appeal of my lover was the fact that she appreciated all the work I put in at the gym. It was motivation. But fortunately, I’ve gotten back on track since the holidays and am going as regularly, if not more since I have more time at home than before.

All in all though, I am hopeful for the future.

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