Thoughts of Celibacy

I jumped the gun accidentally got romantically involved with someone on this downside of my marriage. I mean it seems to be really over with the wife. Even though we live together, she’s pretty much adamant about dating others and doing whatever the hell it is she wants. I am protesting tooth and nail because even though I do what i do on the side, it’s really out of pride and lack of intimacy.

The person I got involved with was more or a less a fwb benefits situation that lasted entirely too long. I think she’s finally had enough. Of course after seeing someone for so long, having great sex, and spending fun times on the weekend for that long tends to bond you with someone. I’m sort of sad about it, but I don’t take it personally as really, she does need to move on. I really do love her and I want the best for her. I’m not ready for a relationship, another marriage and family, but she is. I’ve had another long term situationship where we had love for each other, but amicably split up because we knew we weren’t right for each other. Those are bittersweet. You walk away a bit melancholy, but still with love for them. If it’s over indeed, I wish her the best.

Meanwhile, I should really be focusing on bettering myself. I do work out consistently and play video games outside of working a fulltime job and a part time. In those ways, I am mostly fulfilled. I’m a simple man, dunno want to say. I’m by no means wealthy, but I can take care of myself and afford a lifestyle that basically allows me to do mostly what I want. I don’t have a fetish for fancy cars, vacations, and big houses.

Not saying I wouldn’t take those things or have anything against them, but it’s just not something that I would work my ass off to get if it compromises my happiness. I’m not “ambitious” because I’m content. But wouldn’t contentment mean that I’m basically happy with my life? I mostly do what I like to do and can generally afford it because they don’t require much money. On a side note, women love ambition, and hate contentment from my understanding….unless you’re wealthy. Perhaps it has something to do with security.

The part time job thing kind of took a steep nosedive as I spent so much free time with her. But i can pick back up on that.

I havent’ really been single for a while. The soon to be ex wife is slated to get a travel position at any day now. The sooner she leaves the better even though it is somewhat helpful to have her around to help pick up the slack with kiddo. Dunno man, as bad as it hurts to have her there, it’s hard to raise a kid on your own.

Perhaps celibacy can help with this once she leaves. I don’t really have the time, availability, visibility, nor if I’m honest, game to just go out and pick up random chicks. This applies to dating as well. This also applies to maintaining a relationship with someone. I need to have casual sex with someone who isn’t looking for a relationship (right now), but who also isn’t married, but who also isn’t sleeping around with anyone else, and she isn’t fat or ugly (average would do) would be like finding a needle in a haystack. My lover fit that criteria perfectly (outside of the not looking for a relationship part). I got lucky with that one. It does make me wonder if I should get back out there and try again. I suspect there are a lot of women out there like that. The problem is finding them. But also, how to get to that point again?

I may be an incel. I am considering celibacy for a lot of great reasons, but given where I am currently in life, I really can’t afford the time to properly date anyone.

Having intimacy with someone also comes with the baggage of spending time and resources on them. I really should be trying to get my money right. I’ve wasted a lot of time in relationships/situationships and honestly, I’ve made the most strides and gains in my career when I was single.

It’s tough being in a failed marriage. I can’t talk to my wife anymore. She isn’t helping me as her constant cheating / emotional/ physical affairs take a huge toll on my self esteem and mental health. I don’t like who I am when around her. I get triggered and start “lecturing” her about her doing this shit when i see a text from him come in. Other times, it’s awkward silence because I’m not really feeling the vibe. Our connection has been broken and I don’t have it in me to try to fix it as long as she’s constantly cheating. I don’t chase women like that anyway. I generally deal with women who like me without me having to convince them too much, but I’m not about to start with her.

It’s demoralizing to think that I’m literally begging her to respect me. I get tired of lecturing her on the morality issue (yeah, I’m a hypocrite). I just get away with my shit. On the other hand, it’s sort of an involuntarily open relationship so why shouldn’t i have taken advantage…..just saying.

She mostly agrees with me about how fucked up she’s treating me, but still continues anyway. Talk about a slap in the face when it comes to self respect. I feel stuck though. How can I kick her out without exposing things to my son. She won’t leave nor under law is obligated to. I can’t afford to move out. Can’t afford a divorce attorney and we both want to find a way to have an amicable split. It’s like I know she doesn’t love me, but why doesn’t it have to come at the expense of emasculating me. I don’t want to create a toxic environment for kiddo. Maybe I’m just being a pussy because she is in a way forcing my hand.

Maybe he should know this is why Mommy cannot live here anymore. And that he should never deal with this shit. I digress.

Another contention between me and my lover is the fact that I do seem to pacify my soon to be ex wife way too much. Most specifically when I “can’t” spend the night or weekend with her. Understandable. I can’t use the excuse of trying to keep the home from being too toxic. I don’t want my son questioning why I didn’t come home and having to lie to him. And that’s the truth. But again, that isn’t her problem. Perhaps this is another reason why I didn’t get too involved emotionally with her. She is a pretty decent girl, but too many red flags for me if I’m honest, even though I’m not exactly a perfect catch right now either.

I’ve never tried intentional celibacy. I’ve had droughts of a few months here and there in my adult life, but I’ve always generally had a woman in my life. Perhaps I should stop looking and just focus on getting all the other aspects of my life together. There are things more important than sex and intimacy, plus I could stand to go without it for a season or two. I’m not too old to start over, but I should begin with solid foundation. In fact women and video games should both be temporarily placed on the sacrifice table for the next few months to a year. The focus is on finances, spirituality, and continuing with my fitness (working out and martial arts).

This means to STOP looking or taking applications. This means to look, but not lust or wonder if I could/would fuck her. Basically I need to make women be invisible to me as far as sexual possibilities go. I need to go back to my childhood where I wasn’t even concerned about them.

Instead of single and ready to mingle. I’m single and working on myself.

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