Checking Out

I don’t really understand the mentality behind how my stbxw just checked out of our marriage. I think this is the hardest part to understand and get over. I mean I know I wasn’t perfect, but our marriage didn’t seem to have any more problems than any other.

I mean check out as in, not even want to work on it. Like with no warning. How could she have so many problems and have no complaints about them. It seemed like things were fine one day and terrible the next. She admits that she isn’t the best communicator of her feelings. Perhaps she was harboring pent up resentments or something.

I mean still though, to go so far as to throw away your whole family without trying is demoralizing to me. I mean, were things that bad with me that she’d be willing to have affairs and simply just not care. Though the literature says that it isn’t my fault, at least for the cheating part…’s hard not to take it personally.

In ways it’s like it seems that I’m such a terrible person that she’s willing to walk away from her family without attempting to fix/work on anything. And it’s hard not to think that it’s not my fault. Perhaps there’s something triggering my deepest insecurities. Was is the sex? Is it my personality? How am I so offensive that it would cause someone to just abandon their morals and leave their family. How could she just be THAT person as if it’s something she HAS to do. Didn’t our memories, marriage, vows, family, kid…mean anything to her.

How does one just “check out” of a marriage? How does one just stop caring about their spouse? Abandon them for no obvious reason (at least to me) and just say fuck you and your feelings. I mean I didn’t do anything terribly wrong. Am I just that terrible? That pathetic? That unredeemable that she could just discard me and our friendship like an old shoe.

This speaks to my deepest insecurity about not being good enough and perhaps this is why it hurts so much. I talk my shit about her sure, but despite ALL of her flaws and imperfections, I never deemed her unworthy as to just abandon her emotionally like that. I was always there for her. She was my wife. She’s far from perfect herself, but when you love someone, those things aren’t deal dealbreakers. I truly thought of her as a friend and even if we weren’t going to be together in a romantic sense, why be so damned evil, disrespectful, and cruel about leaving our family.

Perhaps she never truly loved me. If she did, things would have turned out better. But even still, without the ‘romantic’ aspect of love afoot……i mean how could she just not give a fuck. I thought we had a pretty special thing. And even though looking back, I can see that we aren’t compatible on so many levels, how could she have so little respect for our family, me, or my feelings in this. How could she just be so callous and cold to me despite me being there for her in so many ways in the past?

And there seems to be no remorse. Despite acknowledging in personal conversation that she wouldn’t want someone treating her, our son, or her friends and family like she treats me, it’s like she’s oblivious in a way as to how bad this shit hurts. I mean how could you knowingly and willing treat a person who demonstrated that they had your back so many times in so many ways so badly….and not lose an ounce of sleep over it.

I want karma, but I know it doesn’t necessarily work that way. So i won’t wait around for a “downfall” from her. That’s something I have no power to control.

Perhaps I’ve never been truly fucked over like this, by someone who was that close to me.

I know that we aren’t good for each other, I don’t really want her back. Too much has transpired for me to even consider it. Her behavior shows a deep character flaw that is a deal breaker for me (insofar as having a relationship with her) But somewhere deep down I’m hurting so fucking bad right now. And I just can’t figure out why. Despite having the validation and support of family, friends, and a few lovers on the way….it’s so hard to shake this hurt off.

If that was love that I had for her, i don’t want it anymore for anyone. It’s not work the risk. It truly sucks. I have to protect myself and my heart in case I either mis-guage the situation or she ever switches up on me. I’ll never love that deep again for sure.

It was a pretty bad day emotionally.

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