I know

I know that she’s no good for me. I know that she lied, cheated, betrayed, and pretty much showed me that she doesn’t respect me. I know that she checked out the marriage and basically abandoned me to figure it out. I know that she doesn’t want to be here. I witnessed her see me in so much pain (that she inflicted) and continue to act as if she did NOTHING wrong. As if I somehow deserved this. As if her temporary pleasure was worth destroying me, my spririt, my mental health, and my family.

Not to mention the tons of personal reasons which tell me that she isn’t right for me. As the bible says, “love covers a multitude of sins.” Now that the love is gone, all of these ugly sins sit there uncovered. I can now clearly see the red flags which indicate that I was indeed settling myself.

I don’t want her back. I like who likes me. I don’t want to keep her anyway. I know that I don’t deserve this. And besides that, we still aren’t good for each other. Her heart is corrupted, her mind gone, and body tainted.

This thing is broken and can’t be fixed. I can’t nor do I want to fix it. I just want to be over it.

I Fear

I fear that she might win. That she hurt me so bad and just gets away scott free. That perhaps karma won’t catch up or God won’t punish her for being so wicked to me. That she might actually find “happiness” at the cost of me and our son’s family and relationship.

How could she be so wicked and just “win”? What did I do so bad to deserve so much pain, humiliation, and disrespect. Especially if I didn’t do anything but try to do right by her. How would it be that she deserves “happiness” when she willfully and knowingly did this. To me, to our family, to our kid. It just doesn’t sit right. Where is the justice? How can someone who thinks this is ok. Or not so bad just get off scott free.

I know that I should only be worried about me. But how can I just “let it go.” I know it would be better off for me in the long run. My anger only burns me. My pain is my burden alone to bear. She has shown that she gives 0 fucks about it.

Worry about things that I have no control over has placed me into this emotional/psychological/mental hell. And perhaps the only way out is to let it all go.

Perhaps Mike Tyson said it best….”men aren’t meant to be humble…..we are meant to be humbled.” If true, this is indeed a tough process. It hurts, but I can’t let it break me.

But How do I just let it go? Perhaps this stems from a fear of not being “good enough.” I never had to be perfect. Just “good enough.” And though she has shown that she wasn’t “good enough” for me. I have to somehow make that resonate with my spirit to say that a woman who was “good enough” couldn’t have done this to her family. At least not without trying to fix it first. She didn’t just leave me, she left our family and as far as I can see, has 0 remorse about it.

I fucked up and I gotta forgive myself. I truly acted out of ignorance. I tried to love, but got burned badly as a result. I guess it’s a risk that we all take when playing that game. I was humbled in my humiliation.

I survived!!! Though this isn’t over, I’ve faced the hottest part of this hell. I’ve weeped and gnashed my teeth. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve yelled. I lost the weight from being unable to eat. I no longer have the sleepless nights.

Now I just gotta keep it moving. Keep marching.

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