I’ve handled the end of this marriage pretty pathetically. She finally moved out….or at least went to New York for a while. I know that she went under the guise of seeing about a family member who passed, but in reality I know it wasn’t about that.

Given our history and things she’s done in the past, it’ really all on me at this point. I pretty much deserve everything she does to me now. I know that she’s a terrible wife. There is no doubt about it whatsoever. Sometimes, I still can’t believe it though and when I think that she can’t sink any lower, she does. No point in complaining though. Nothing should surprise me at this point. She really is a terrible person. Like one of those terrible wives you see in the movies or read about online. I don’t know why, despite everything she’s done, it still comes as some sort of shock or revelation. Perhaps it’s the way she seems to be oblivious to her own behavior. Perhaps I wanted too much in thinking that she’ll see the error of her ways and stop being terrible.

I am glad that she’s gone and hopefully she won’t come back any time soon. I’m hoping that this separation will help me finally recover and heal. I had insomnia last night. Not sure what was up with that. I don’t really feel mad or bad. Just not good either.

The last time she left, I really felt myself getting better and better as kiddo and I started getting a routine down. She came back and things got worse, for me anyway. I need to move on and out of this situation. It’s hard to do with her here, but she bought a 1 way flight there and hopefully she won’t be back for a while.

I should be happy. I’m not sure why I even need to heal or the reason why I’m feeling a bit down. I know it could never work out at this point. There is too much water under the bridge and she burned it down. I can never trust her again. I’ve given her way too many chances. I’m fighting to forgive her so that we can be amicable as to coparent successfully. I don’t want to win her back.

I’d be winning a cheater, betrayer, and if I’m honest, we’re just not good for each other. Not as husband and wife. I just need to be over it. I am over it. I’m not sure why this is still so hard because I don’t love her like that. She hasn’t been a real wife in the last 5 years or so. I need to take this time to continue to heal and focus on me, kiddo, and how imma pay all these damned bills. Yeah, it’s unfair to kiddo. But still, I cannot change her.

This has really made me rethink marriage. The literature and research suggests that marriage and relationships are dead in 2020. Hope and anecdotal evidence suggests that maybe things aren’t as bad as redpill and MGTOW communities suggest. But i don’t necessarily want to close myself off to the possibilities either. Are most women really that bad? Or am I just angry and bitter about what happened to me. Either way, I won’t close myself off to potential opportunites, but I’ll be hyper vigilant of red flags for sure.