Betrayal and broken heartedness is sure to place you in a psychological hell the likes of which Satan himself might take pause to enter. It seems that most cheaters and liars have no clue what they put us through. Their cowardice, disloyalty, and disregard for us in our most vulnerable space really shows their lack of character and proves that they are unworthy to occupy that space anymore. Perhaps they never belonged there in the first place. Embrace this fact. It is truth.
Bottom line is, you were not perfect, but neither were they. You did not deserve this PERIOD. They betrayed you. These people are worse than snitches, snakes, and rats. It is one of the worst things you can do to someone. Up there with molest, rape, or violate. Think of the psychological damage, degree of suffering, and damage it causes you and possibly your family/children. THIS IS NO TRIVIAL thing as society likes to paint it often times.
But it does happen and it tempers us. Often times, we must keep marching one foot in front of the other despite suffering this brutal injury. In a way, this pain makes us stronger. It’s like working out hard or running long distance. It’s a battle of emotional attrition. It’s unlike anything we’ve ever experienced. But we keep fighting for our hearts, our souls, sanity….our lives.
Perhaps love or should I say broken hearts make us better. I mean all of that pain has to be useful. It almost breaks us. It destroys everything we thought we knew.
It’s a fight where the opponent attacks, intends to destroy, and takes no mercy on us. We were not prepared. They detonated a bomb in a safe zone. We had no defense. Many times, they were our defense. It’s like an autoimmunity response and we must fight for the life of our spirit. This is spiritual warfare.
We get our asses handed to us. And we are often powerless to do anything to stop it in the process. We can’t win this battle. At most, we can only hope to survive. As each blow absolutely devastates and rocks us to our core. It is an INTENSE emotional hell unlike anything many of us have experienced. But we must keep fighting through the pain. Which turns to anger or sadness then back into to pain. Sometimes self loathing. It can either make us bitter or better. Usually a bit of both. It is hell. Weeping and gnashing of teeth in tow.
And the road to recovery is steep and rocky at best.
So to anyone facing this, keep your head up. Just put one foot in front of the other and you keep marching forward. It hurts, it sucks. You may stumble, you may fall. But keep getting up.
You are fighting your way out of HELL.
Make no mistake about it. I won’t sugarcoat it. It’s not fair. The remainder of your fight won’t be fair. Your opponent does follow the rules that you’re bound to. They say that all is fair in love and war. This is war. They started a civil war between your mind and heart. Your brain and body. They aren’t even there anymore.
They are over powered using weapons of destruction while you have one hand bound and have been blindsided with a sucker punch with no time to recover.
Try to take a deep breath. This is going to hurt….bad. For a long time. But you can survive. Just keep breathing and getting back up. The pain and anger will be there once you get out of your self loathing. May as well make them your friends. Resistance is futile, let them become your friends. Feel it, observe the pain as it courses through your mind and body. Allow it to harden you into a colder version of yourself. You will be cooked from the inside out.
Be mindful of it. That is it…. acknowledge it. Embrace it.
I’ve learned that the pain comes in waves. That’s to say that it’s always there, but there are times where it gets more intense. In those moments simply breathe and observe it.
Notice: How does it feel? Where do you feel it in your body? How strong is it on a 1 to 10 scale? Don’t run from it. Run towards it. Feel it. Intensify it mentally and consciously!!! Lean into it. Running away just makes it stronger. Facing it head on sucks too, but the waves seem to last for a shorter period if you simply acknowledge it and give it life.
Make this a meditation. Observe your pain, stop thinking about it/playing movies/mentally articulating it. JUST FEEL IT!!! Don’t think. Just Breathe and FEEL. Focus on breathing and feeling.
I’ve noticed that after particularly intense sessions, sometimes there are moments of a peculiar peace and clarity. It’s really hard to explain. Like the calm in the eye of a storm or something. Almost like a high or a moment of acceptance. It’s fleeting and hard to explain, but you’ll know it when you feel it. It’s like a moment of enlightenment.
The pain will return, and gradually intensify again. It always sucks, but remember to try and feel it. This pain will cause your thoughts to go off the rails and intensify the pain. Remember to occasionally shut down the thinking in your brain. Just feel don’t think. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t try to avoid the pain. Your goal is just to acknowledge, observe, and feel it.
Be mindful of the pain. Don’t think about it. Being mindful is acknowledging, accepting, and feeling once you consciously become aware that you’re feeling the intensity of the pain. Again, try to intensify it in these moments if you can. Imagine that it is getting worse. As if you’re purposely submitting to it.
While i wish i could tell you that this will keep it from sucking, it won’t. But it did help me take the edge off a bit. It also seemed to decrease the time it took for the intensity to drop from a 11 to a 6 (on a 1 to 10 scale). I also looked forward to those moments of transcendent peace and clarity. I shit you not. It goes from being a level 6 pain on a good day to a 0 for a few minutes. It’s so weird.
Finally, one more piece of advice. Hope to fix the relationship will hinder your progress. You must accept that It’s over. Even if you manage to repair the relationship. It is irretreivably broken. In MOST CASES….this most likely mean in your case as well. They don’t care for how much they hurt you. At best most simply feel guilt and not remorse. And as the adage goes, once a cheater….always a cheater. The have not internalized the pain and can have no true appreciation for what it cost you. Therefore they are subject to do it again.
Keep marching forward, despite the pain and never look back. Think of it as if you’d turn into a pillar of salt if you do. It’s stuck and cannot move forward. Remember, you are climbing out of hell. DO NOT LOOK DOWN. Forgiveness can come once you’ve escaped hell, traveled through purgatory, and make it back to earth.
Keep marching and if you stumble, no worries, there is rarely a straight forward path. KEEP MARCHING and DON’T LOOK BACK!!!
Eventually, time will see you through. The intensity, duration, and frequency of the attacks will lessen. You’ll begin to notice that you don’t think about it as much. Try not to stalk their social media at this point. It took me about 3 years to get to full acceptance. Every step of the way, I was thinking that this was going to be the last day. It wasn’t. Writing in the blog has been therapeutic for me. Talking to strangers and a few close friends also helped. Eventually though, your friends will have heard enough. Plus you get to a point where you don’t want to drag them down. I also spoke to a therapist.
Separation would have been great for me. I’ve been dragging my feet on divorce out of financial reasons and being unable to cope with the fact that I didn’t want to tell the kid. But that really held back my healing as I still have to see her almost every day. I still get triggered when I hear her phone notifications go off as I know that she’s still out there cheating. I can say that it has been without a doubt the hardest/darkest time in my life.
I look forward to the day when I can truly look back on this dark time and be glad that it’s over. I don’t think I’ll ever get married….or even into a real relationship again. If i do, best believe that she’s going to be worth the risk.