Did I Expect Too Much

I know that this might come across as condescending and sound terrible, but bear with me. I’m starting to think that perhaps my STBXW might not be so bright. I mean deep conversation was never her thing…..and that is ok.

Ok, let’ say it would appear that she’s the type that is easily distracted by shiny objects. She rarely argues with me, and it’s ok. I was starting to think that perhaps she was a covert narcisist or something.

I do think that she’s on the spectrum. But her number one go to argument in all of this is that she’s unhappy with number two being that it’s not my intent to hurt you. Like I’m just supposed to just be like “hmm, ok that makes it better, I see your point now.”

I’ve asked, “would you like to see someone treat you, your mother, kiddo, or anyone else you love like this?”. Her response is always no.

I’ve asked then “why do you think it’s ok to treat me with so much disrespect as not just a human being, but a man?”

Her response usually is: “It’s not my intent to hurt you.”

I usually return and say, “Well why do you do it when you don’t have to?”

Her reply: “It’s not about them (those guys)”

Me: ” So, why can’t you just be ‘single’ until we figure out the whole divorce situation as I find it hurtful and disrespectful that another man is actually talking to and fucking my wife while we are still living together.”

Her: “I’m not happy”

Me: getting frustrated “How is it a proper response in a marriage/relationship you’re in to cheat just because you’re unhappy. Shouldn’t you try to fix it, leave, or divorce?”

Her: …

Me: “It’s like, you go out and actively seek other men even after you knew how bad the others hurt. It really feels like this is intentional and i’m taking it as disrespect.”

Her:… It’s not

Me: “Look, I’ve told you, you’re burning a bridge here even though we have to coparent. Those guys are still going to be there. At the very least show me enough respect to either NOT do it until we figure this out….or move out. You know our history, and I moved back in because you promised you wouldn’t do this.”

Her: “Stop putting words in my mouth, Did I say I promised.”

Me: utterly shocked at the words coming out her mouth. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Her: just don’t put words in my mouth

Me: Wow.

Her: Ok, I promise I will respect you by not being on my phone when you’re around.

Me: still in shock at what I’m hearing. “So you think it’s more respectful to cheat behind my back with men who know we’re married.”

Her: Isn’t it?

Me: not beleiving I have explain this. “there are levels to it, you know, either way is disrespectful to me.”

Her: “Would you rather for me to lie to you.”

Me: “I’d rather you just leave.”

Her: “I will as soon as I find a job.”

This is the type of bullshit I have to deal with lately. This is why I can’t talk to her. I pretty much spent all my savings in past few months and am working an extra job to keep the lights and internet on, rent paid, and etc. Not to mention she’s flown to NYC on her credit card twice last minute (imagine how high the damn tickets are) under some other premise she told others, but somehow ended up with him.

I personally don’t find her body alluring at all anymore. There’s just something about knowing that she’s sleeping with another man that makes me personally not want to touch her sexually. I can’t even stand to look at her when I’m around. This is no longer intentional. It’s like literally can’t even look at her. I can’t remember the last time we made eye contact.

And after all that, working 10+ hours a day, going to the gym, going to boxing/bjj to get my mind off this shit and sometimes driving ride share after that. Just to come home to dirty dishes, dirty laundry, disrespect, and dysfunction.

I feel like I’m losing my shit over this. I mean is she really this stupid and selfish. I mean, to me (and maybe since noone else is there to referee so to speak), her arguments sound terrible.

WTF man!!!

I’m a hypocrite. I get it. But gotdammit, this crazy is rubbing off on me. I know I’m wrong. And that’s starting to weigh a little on my conscious. She never asks me anything. I don’t think she suspects anything. Or actually, I got a picture of what’s in her phone where she went snooping through mine and found a few text exchanges between me and a girl who asked me for my number (nothing incriminating as all we’ve done is text about mundane pleasantries/no sexual innuendoes even)….as clearly she can read.

But she never asked me about it. So tbh, I don’t know what she knows. Maybe she is smarter than I thought? Does she even know about my lover? I mean at this point IDC. If she asked, I’d tell her.

Maybe if she asked, i could concede to an “open”marriage until we could figure out how to separate successfully. As of now, assuming she doesn’t know anything, I just take it as her being disrespectful. I mean (justification I know) but it’s the principle. I don’t necessarily always believe in an eye for an eye type of justice, but if she wasn’t out her consistently cheating, I don’t think I would have taken on a ‘friend’….as lovely as she is.

I am wrong for this I know, but it doesn’t appear that I am hurting her. Am I a terrible person because of this?

Is she collecting evidence for a lawyer or something? She has told me that she doesn’t trust me enough to tell me anything because she doesn’t know how i might use it against her. Was this a slip up because she is planning to mount a case against me?

I gotta get out of this dysfunctional shit. This might be ok for her. She never expresses any gotdamn emotion. She’s like a damn robot or something. Maybe she needs this type of shit to thrive or something. If she wants custody of kiddo that bad, she can have it. If she wants to take him out of my life….as much as I do with and for him…..that she’s willing to manipulate the situation in her favor….. as much as he loves me and him me. And knowing the only reason i didn’t go nuclear on her or am even here is because I wanted to try to protect his home.

I’m just tired of the bullshit and if it’s her goal to somehow put me off of relationships and marriage in general. She is winning for sure. I never wanted this. It’s not fun, not good for my mental health, I just want my peace of mind back in regards to this.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s