So, the stbxw came back to the apartment last night after a week in NY. Just as expected, she was no longer wearing her ring. She claims that she still hasn’t heard anything from the interview she went on last Friday.
I was really not looking forward to this. It’s so hard for me to even look at her. My entire mood changes. I felt that I was getting better without her around. And seeing her triggers all sorts of unpleasant emotions.
It’s like I can’t just sit by and let her keep texting men/her new man? right in front of me. I don’t want to even question it, but at the same time, it’s just a reminder of how fuxked up she did me. There are levels to this betrayal stuff. All are terrible, but each subsequent level makes things even worse.
Level 1 is the got drunk, temporarily had a lapse in judgment, slept with someone, and felt terrible about it. Either fessed up or when confronted, came clean. Apologized and did whatever actions necessary to allow the betrayed to heal as much as possible
Level 2 is developed an unexpected crush on a work friend or something, things got out of control, snowballed into an affair, got stuck in cheaters fog and now felt terrible about it. And did what I needed to do to ask for forgiveness.
Level 3 actively seeked out someone while married and started a relationship with them.
Level 4 slept with a s/o’s friend or family member.
While she hasn’t gone level 4 she’s pretty much done 1-3……but unapologetically, unremorsefully, and as far as I can tell, has no real regrets. In fact, only doubling down in being more secretive with her phone, and continuing to gaslight more and more.
Ok, I get it, she’s in an ‘unhappy’ marriage. But I really can’t see how this is on me. I’m not perfect, but I treated her as a friend first the whole time. From what I see and based off what the few friends I’ve let know what’s going on, they didn’t see anything that bad with our marriage or situation. It’s bad enough that she wants to take our family away, go back on her vows, split the home, hurt the kid, and meanwhile never lifted a finger to try and resolve whatever issue she/we had. In fact, her response was to go out and have a gotdamn affair, as if that was going to help “us” as a family unit.
Now, she has the nerve to keep lying, gaslighting, keep finding new “options” all the while acting like we should still be “friends” and “amicable”. It really pisses me off to have to deal with that. I feel like I’m the only one having to shield kiddo from the toxic behavior she introduced.
If she wants to leave, of course I can’t stop her, nor would I want to. But couldn’t she respect the friendship we had. Couldn’t she respect me as a person who was always there for her. She wouldn’t be finding these new “love interests” if she’d just work with me first in figuring out how to make the split amicable and easier for the kid. In fact, why in the hell is she looking for “relationships” while still married anyways? She knows it’s hurtful and disrespectful to me as a human being and a man.
Why completely burn the bridge down as if I did something bad to her in all of this? While it is terrible that she wants to break a home and marriage in the name of following her “heart” (scripture says it’s deceitful and wicked above all things ftr), it’s even worse that she has to do it in this way. Almost with no conscious with it.
So now I have to deal with this ish. I can’t stand her. She’s a liar, a betrayer, a cheater. These things make her a terrible person in my eyes. And it seems that noone in her family is saying anything to her about it. I don’t know what they know to be fair to them though.
The scariest part about all of this is that I still have no clue of the warning flags that could protect me from women like this in the future. We had all the “important conversations” in regards to cheating, infidelity in the beginning. We both discussed how nuclear family is important. We both talked about how “forever” is a long time and we needed to always be real and honest with each other. We had both been cheated on in the past and talked about the worst part being the lying and gaslighting.
If she could just switch it up on me like that. How could I ever put my heart on the line like that again. At least for a marriage? Plus it seems that more and more women are out here cheating. The scary part is that she seems to have no remorse or regrets over any of this. Many of them have no problem with hurting a man who ACTUALLY loves them. Yet will fight tooth and nail for a dude who treats them like crap.
It makes me not want to be with her anymore. She definitely isn’t wife material. She seems to be like a lot (dare I say most?) of these females out here. Her character is really lacking. She seems oblivious to this. I suppose that this shouldn’t be a surprise. As the saying goes, ain’t no such thing as being halfway crook. By default, a cheater is a liar.
Yes, I am aware that I do now have a situationship on the side. But bear with me. I do feel that she pushed me out there and if she ever asked, I’d tell her about it. I don’t feel guilty about this because If I did her the same way she did me, I couldn’t be surprised, I’d feel that I had pushed her out there so to speak. Plus I’ve been upfront with my lover about everything, almost everything. I don’t really talk about all the bullshit stbexw is putting me through as too much sympathy ends up making me look pathetic. I don’t expect her to understand how deeply losing your family and the prospect of hurting the kids hurts and makes this not as easy as saying fuck it all. She doesn’t have that experience. Plus, while I can’t hold it against her personally, she kind of had it rough when it comes to the whole childhood family situation. Her bastard of a father wasn’t there for her either. So I don’t think she can REALLY appreciate how much I’m putting up with for this kid. Plus, I’m sure she has issues (understandably), based off social stigma for dealing with a “married man”.
Just wanted to point out that I don’t feel like a hero or martyr for doing this. I’m almost compelled to do this, so there could actually be something wrong with me psychologically.
I just don’t want to screw him up psychologically and the financial situation makes it more difficult than just moving the hell out….again.
Either way, I am at a much better space and i do believe that I am ready to have the talk with him. I just need the space away from her to make me not so angry and bitter. It takes time, but her last week away, made me realize that it wouldn’t take that much time to get back into that good space. I just can’t be around her.
Imagine having to stay and be cordial with a person who callously and coldly took the the most important thing away from you, keeps disrespecting you you in the process, and betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible. And takes your responsibleness to the kid (who they also claim to love) for granted. Some people don’t seem to understand that this can wreak all sorts of psychological hell onto someone. I’m torn between losing self respect and trying figure the best way to move forward given the circumstances. I’m in a bad mental headspace right now, but I do realize that the WAY i handle this makes all of the difference in the world.
Hopefully, she will be out soon as I can’t kick her out of the apartment in this particular state. I’m hoping that her “new” man will encourage her to get out…..probably not for my sake….lol, but because he doesn’t want to risk us getting back together….(as if….)