Despite my understanding of women’s nature and wanting to overcome this need/desire to want a wife…. in fact fearing falling in love again. Something deep down wants someone to love on and have that “forever” person. I know it’s a myth or either I’m going to have to concede the fact that she’ll probably cheat on me someday…..she’ll lie about it, gaslight me, and I’ll have to forgive her.

But i don’t want to be a cuck who just accepts that she’s sleeping around and is willing to break her side of the trust as long as she thinks she can get away with it. Like, I want a certain type of love that has at it, trust, and selfless enough as not to humiliate, emasculate, and embarass me even though it’s within her wheelhouse of happiness to be able to have sex with other men while we are together. Even if she could “get away” with it.

I don’t want the type of love where she isn’t sacrificial in that sense. But I also understand most of them cannot be honest on such matters either out of fear of losing me, fear of my judgment on the issue, or simply fear of breaking the trust we have in the relationship.

Simply put, I don’t want to fall victim of loving someone who is incapable of loving me the way I need them to. Mostly with truth, honesty, and in a way where she loves me for me as I would love her for her. With a little willful sacrifice knowing that things won’t always be easy. Where she holds me in enough regard where she wouldn’t allow another man to debase and devalue me as her man, by sleeping with him.

And I know that what I want, while seeming simple on the surface. Probably isn’t possible and at the very least not worth risking my heart over. I just can’t give her my all.

And without that, there is no real point of love/relationships. And i am trying to just be ok with that. Like I want to find someone who I can’t walk away from, but I also fear finding it as it takes so much out of you if they decided to switch up on you later.

The heights of the good feelings of thinking you found “your person” isn’t worth the lows of realizing that she wasn’t at all. Especially if she realizes it first. And while I know that you can know if you never try, I don’t think it’s worth the risk.

So i have to overcome this “beta” instinct to want to be in that type of relationship. I have to be always on my guard and ready and able to walk away with as little emotional damage to myself as possible.

Perhaps I’m a love addict and I need to avoid it all together, as an alcoholic must avoid alcohol for life. It aint easy but hopefully this will get better over time. I really can’t go through something like my marriage, ever again.

I have to change this ‘beta’ heart and until I do, I must avoid “love” at all costs.